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Sarah Leblanc
my latest two blog posts on M.I.A's video "Born Free" and Miley Cyrus' video "Can't be Tamed" go to http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/ to check 'em out. Comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated! thanks!
106 weeks ago from Music
writeforhr:
Can u Please Digg and Comment on "Thoughts on an HRevolution" MoreCan u Please Digg and Comment on "Thoughts on an HRevolution" http://digg.com/d31QcTR
Thank you.
106 weeks ago
Thank you.
106 weeks ago
Sarah Leblanc
new blog post at http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/ let me know what you think! and follow me on twitter @sarahlleblanc
thanks!
Sarah Leblanc
just trying to generate some buzz: http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/
also follow me on twitter @sarahlleblanc
Sarah Leblanc
new blog post at http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/ and follow me on twitter @sarahlleblanc
Sarah Leblanc
http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/ NEW BLOG POST ON MY DECISION TO TRANSFER. I'd appreciate any feedback! @sarahlleblanc
Sean Cook:
Hi Sarah,
I have quite a few thoughts, but would like to preface them by saying that quite a few of them (okay, most of them) are "constructive," ...MoreHi Sarah,
I have quite a few thoughts, but would like to preface them by saying that quite a few of them (okay, most of them) are "constructive," and you might think them harsh. But dishonest feedback isn't really feedback, and it's clear to me that a) you are struggling with your decision and b) unless the essay isn't weighted heavily, this one probably won't get you in. So please stop reading here if you didn't want honest, constructive criticism, or if your ego bruises easily. Also, if you read my thoughts and think I am full of crap, that's okay. It's your essay, and the most important thing to remember is that you need to be good with it more than anyone. If it speaks for you in a way that works for you, go with your heart and gut, and tell me to stick it.
First, put yourself in the shoes of the admissions officer and write in a way that shows "What's in it for me? (WIIFM?) (The "me" in this question is the institution, not you.) UMass Boston knows what you'll be getting out of the deal--a great education. So why might a school assign a like this? My thought is that they want serious students that will be active learners, people of character, and-in the future- alumni that will continue to support the school, make an impact on society, and be good role models that future students will want to emulate.
Notice how they asked the question. “Every day we are presented with choices, some more challenging than others. Describe a significant choice that you had to make, and discuss the consequences of your actions. How did your decision impact your life?”
Let's deconstruct some different parts of your essay, and look at how effectively you create your argument, keep reader interest, and meet the criteria assigned in the topic.
The essay needs to cleanly address 3 criteria:
1. Explaining a hard choice you had to make,
2. Understanding its consequences, & (what did you gain? what did you lose? Did it have an impact on someone else?)
3. Discussing its impact on you. (Did you learn something? Shift your perspective? Understand a different point of view? Learn a better habit, practice or skill?...)
They want to learn about your character and how making choices have impacted the development of your character. The reader has to follow the argument, stay interested, and be able to articulate your main points after reading it.
The bad news here is that I read through your essay a few times and still don't really know what you were trying to convey, what choice you made, what you learned from it, or how you are going to carry forward that learning in your future if you are admitted to UMass Boston.
Your essay reads like a brain dump...a meandering, half-thought-out stream of consciousness. It also talks about a decision you are currently trying to make, and clearly struggling with. It doesn't show me what you've learned, in any way...but it does leave me wondering whether you are really thinking through your choices, ready to understand the pros and cons, have thought about the impacts, or that you will examine the impacts enough to learn from them.
I am sure that sounds really harsh, but please consider the advice in the context I'm giving it...I'd like to help you make a better argument, and breaking apart the question and thinking it through should help you construct a better argument.
The essay also reads through colloquially and this isn't a great way to approach an admissions essay. This is not the place to "write like you talk" It's the place to write like you "write for a living"...and only have to take the jobs you want, because you are that damn good.
There are also some spelling and grammar mistakes that completely distract the reader and those need to be cleaned up.
Would you like someone to help you put together a more coherent argument? I'm a career coach that specializes in working with college students and young professionals, especially those in higher ed. If so, let me know. I could probably help you clean this up quite a bit. In just a few short meetings, we'd work through the specific question and brainstorm some ways to approach it, do a draft or two and clean it up so you can get it in a better place to send it in. If not, no pressure. I am here for conversations that will help me understand my potential clients and to offer advice when appropriate. I don't want to be spammy, but I also think I could help you more 1-on-1. You'll get good advice here, but if you need hands-on assistance, I'm here, just let me know.
Another thing I think you might consider, since you seem to be struggling with the decision, is to find a mentor or two at BSC to help you work through it. I have a few professional connections in student affairs there and I am confident that connecting with them might really help you.
You've committed 2 years to your education there and you do have some friends and some level of comfort. Maybe you need to find the right challenges and connect with people who will help you excel. That's the real key when you go to college. If you connect, you will learn, and you will get more out of it. So some of this is up to you, no matter where you go. Before you go, make sure you've done your part.
Best of luck to you!
111 weeks ago
I have quite a few thoughts, but would like to preface them by saying that quite a few of them (okay, most of them) are "constructive," ...MoreHi Sarah,
I have quite a few thoughts, but would like to preface them by saying that quite a few of them (okay, most of them) are "constructive," and you might think them harsh. But dishonest feedback isn't really feedback, and it's clear to me that a) you are struggling with your decision and b) unless the essay isn't weighted heavily, this one probably won't get you in. So please stop reading here if you didn't want honest, constructive criticism, or if your ego bruises easily. Also, if you read my thoughts and think I am full of crap, that's okay. It's your essay, and the most important thing to remember is that you need to be good with it more than anyone. If it speaks for you in a way that works for you, go with your heart and gut, and tell me to stick it.
First, put yourself in the shoes of the admissions officer and write in a way that shows "What's in it for me? (WIIFM?) (The "me" in this question is the institution, not you.) UMass Boston knows what you'll be getting out of the deal--a great education. So why might a school assign a like this? My thought is that they want serious students that will be active learners, people of character, and-in the future- alumni that will continue to support the school, make an impact on society, and be good role models that future students will want to emulate.
Notice how they asked the question. “Every day we are presented with choices, some more challenging than others. Describe a significant choice that you had to make, and discuss the consequences of your actions. How did your decision impact your life?”
Let's deconstruct some different parts of your essay, and look at how effectively you create your argument, keep reader interest, and meet the criteria assigned in the topic.
The essay needs to cleanly address 3 criteria:
1. Explaining a hard choice you had to make,
2. Understanding its consequences, & (what did you gain? what did you lose? Did it have an impact on someone else?)
3. Discussing its impact on you. (Did you learn something? Shift your perspective? Understand a different point of view? Learn a better habit, practice or skill?...)
They want to learn about your character and how making choices have impacted the development of your character. The reader has to follow the argument, stay interested, and be able to articulate your main points after reading it.
The bad news here is that I read through your essay a few times and still don't really know what you were trying to convey, what choice you made, what you learned from it, or how you are going to carry forward that learning in your future if you are admitted to UMass Boston.
Your essay reads like a brain dump...a meandering, half-thought-out stream of consciousness. It also talks about a decision you are currently trying to make, and clearly struggling with. It doesn't show me what you've learned, in any way...but it does leave me wondering whether you are really thinking through your choices, ready to understand the pros and cons, have thought about the impacts, or that you will examine the impacts enough to learn from them.
I am sure that sounds really harsh, but please consider the advice in the context I'm giving it...I'd like to help you make a better argument, and breaking apart the question and thinking it through should help you construct a better argument.
The essay also reads through colloquially and this isn't a great way to approach an admissions essay. This is not the place to "write like you talk" It's the place to write like you "write for a living"...and only have to take the jobs you want, because you are that damn good.
There are also some spelling and grammar mistakes that completely distract the reader and those need to be cleaned up.
Would you like someone to help you put together a more coherent argument? I'm a career coach that specializes in working with college students and young professionals, especially those in higher ed. If so, let me know. I could probably help you clean this up quite a bit. In just a few short meetings, we'd work through the specific question and brainstorm some ways to approach it, do a draft or two and clean it up so you can get it in a better place to send it in. If not, no pressure. I am here for conversations that will help me understand my potential clients and to offer advice when appropriate. I don't want to be spammy, but I also think I could help you more 1-on-1. You'll get good advice here, but if you need hands-on assistance, I'm here, just let me know.
Another thing I think you might consider, since you seem to be struggling with the decision, is to find a mentor or two at BSC to help you work through it. I have a few professional connections in student affairs there and I am confident that connecting with them might really help you.
You've committed 2 years to your education there and you do have some friends and some level of comfort. Maybe you need to find the right challenges and connect with people who will help you excel. That's the real key when you go to college. If you connect, you will learn, and you will get more out of it. So some of this is up to you, no matter where you go. Before you go, make sure you've done your part.
Best of luck to you!
111 weeks ago
Sarah Leblanc
If any of you have the chance check out my blog! http://sarahlleblanc.wordpress.com/ I just updated a post on my new business idea and I'd love for you to comment for feedback! Also follow me on twitter @sarahlleblanc
Sarah Leblanc
Well, I must say I am taken aback at how much Twitter really impacts soical media. With that being said, I'd love if people wanted to follow me on Twitter @sarahlleblanc. I'm new to the website, so please excuse my lack of posts, but as I learn more there shall be more coming at ya!
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