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About Me

I have been a conformist all of my life, with brief stints of crazy rebellion. Over the last year I have decided no more. It's been a very hard walk for me. I have titled my transformation, "Waking Up." I have started a blog, just for myself, and a diary as well, because I feel like I am learning so much about myself at such a rapid pace, that I am scared I will somehow lose it and fall back "asleep."

I used to never go against the opinions or desires of others. I didn't live for myself, but for my family, friends, coworkers, children, church. I am a giver, and I have not stopped that because that would be denying myself; that is where I find fulfillment. But, I have decided that I'm going to be me and stop worrying about what others think of me. I am going to stop defining myself by the opinions of others, because now I realize that they see me through their own perceptions and beliefs, and that is out of my control.

Some people in my life have been shocked; I'm getting a divorce after all. When my husband asked me if I wanted to continue working at our relationship, and I said no, he was speechless. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that divorce is a good thing. We, however, did not belong together, and I finally saw that he did not like the real me. I had to continuously be someone else to make him happy, and it never would've been a healthy relationship. My 18 year old asked me how I could do such a thing, since the Bible says it's wrong. I could not say enough to make her understand, only that I knew what was right for me.

I moved out and moved in with my parents. I am 44, attending DeVry online full-time, not employed or looking for employment at this point, and very much enjoying becoming the person I have discovered that I really can be.

My parents think it's great and say that they are enjoying watching me finally bloom and thrive. My friends (what few friends I have because I always found maintaining relationships to be exhausting) say that it's good to see a smile on my face and that my input in their lives is positive. My counseling sessions with my college coach have been uplifting and positive, and she says that I inspire her.

My behavior is very different now. I go places I want to go and do what I want to do. If I want to watch a movie or listen to music, I don't worry about whether anyone else likes it. I am reading more books, working on my programming classes, hanging out on tech forums, and interacting with various people in the IT community. I enjoy writing immensely, which is very strange because I always said that I hated to write!

I will never go back to "normal," "back to sleep" as I call it. There have been a lot of tears and loneliness and heartfelt cries to God. But the person I am becoming is worth it all. The benefits most definitely outweigh the costs. Life is a journey, not a destination.

Work History

Clayton County Government IT Dept
Senior Systems Analyst
March 1986 to January 2000
Analyze current systems and office procedures used by various county departments in order to design, document, and create computer software applications that make these procedures more streamlined, accurate, and efficient. Manage, train, and support other analysts, programmers, and end users during all phases of development and support.

Integrity Mountain Properties
Owner/Operator
Febuary 2000 to January 2010
Managed, documented, and reported on all operations of the company including home building project management and prospect and customer information management.