Brazen careerist
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What's the most difficult situation you've had to overcome to get to where you are? How did it affect you?
09.04.08
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Email ThisWhen I hit the big 3-0 I lost it. I'd been zooming up the career ladder right through my 20's and was very successful. I was traveling the world first class for business and pleasure, eating in the best restaurants, had my own house, the respect of my peers, a hefty pay packet and a good bunch of friends to hang out with. The trouble was, I hated what I did for a living and wouldn't let myself see it. I was stressed and miserable, but was so busy pretending I was happy all the time that I never stopped to look at the bigger picture.
I totally ignored the truth of what was happening, that I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing, and I paid a heavy price for ignoring myself.
I remember clearly going into the office one morning, getting my laptop, pad and pen out, sitting in my chair and looking at my to-do list. None of the words meant anything to me, I couldn't read anything. I stared at my pad for a good 10 minutes, wondering why the shapes on the page weren't making any sense, then I got back up, packed away my stuff and went home.
I hit a wall. I didn't talk for a month. Scratch that, I couldn't talk for a month because my head couldn't fathom anything that was being said let alone try to frame a response. Time became elastic, some days seemingly taking a week to pass while at other times a week would pass in an afternoon. Everything just stopped, broken, and it took over a year to put myself back together, piece by piece.
If I'd had the balls to listen to myself I'd have done what I needed to do to avoid the crisis point I hit, but I didn't. I lacked the inner confidence to trust myself to make decisions and just went with the flow, delivering against the incredibly high standards I'd established and the expectations that I'd set for myself. I never once thought that I could live a different life that actually meant something to me.
So I learned the hard way how important it is to pay attention to yourself, to engage with the things that matter to you the most and to never, ever squeeze yourself into a role that doesn't fit with who you are.
What I lacked back in 2001 was real inner confidence. If I'd had that I wouldn't have lived according to the things that didn't matter to me, I wouldn't have lived according to the expectations of others and I wouldn't have let myself become damaged through inaction.
Real inner confidence is having implicit trust in who you are, what you have to offer and what you can do. It's being able to choose your behavior based on what's most important to you, with out implicit trust in that behavior. That's a lesson worth its weight in gold.
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