Already a member?
Welcome to Brazen Careerist!
Emily Ma is using Brazen Careerist to share ideas. Join now to become a member and start networking with Emily Ma and other professionals just like you. Learn more.
Brazen careerist
Where ambitious young professionals connect and grow
Email
Print
I swear, you guys, I almost called this one If You Say I’m Nice or Smart, I Will Straight Up Punch You in the Mouth. And now I feel that that requires some explanation.
Back in the early days of elementary school, we would have a yearly Valentine’s Day thing where everyone would pick up a box or two of character-branded valentines, some mini candies, and would then proceed to write little notes to each other. We’d wind up giving the cards to everyone in class, each with a school-mandated compliment. Every year, almost all of the ones I received said something like “You’re nice,” or “You’re smart.”
Now, I don’t mean to be a stickler about what a third-grader defines as a compliment, but I don’t really think that either of those qualify. To me, seeing those words on the cards was about the same as seeing something like, “You have hair on your head,” or “Your name is Andrew.” They didn’t mean anything, because they didn’t say anything. One could argue that smart and nice are compliments, but they came across as statements, or noting characteristics.
I think this is why I have a hard time taking any sort of real compliment.
When one of my first girlfriends told me that she thought I was attractive, I didn’t buy it, so I had to awkwardly accept it and pretend that I did. When someone says that they think I’m a good writer, I don’t really believe it. Then again, it could be because I’m not auditory-based.
I’ll probably go into more detail about this in another post, but there are three types of feeling-based comments, and people respond to one more than the other two:
- Auditory – best respond to things described in words; they will use the terms “sounds” or “hear” more often
- Visual – keyed into visual and seen cues; use words like “see” or “look”
- Tactile – need to feel, physically or emotionally; use words like “get” or “feel”
I love words and language; hell, I wouldn’t have a blog if I didn’t. But I respond to tactile (or kinesthetic) stimuli. So if you tell me you like something, I won’t take it as much. But if you tell me why you like it, or how it makes you feel, or even offer constructive criticism on how you think it could be better, that I will appreciate.
Think about what comments and discussions you appreciate most. You’ll probably notice a theme that runs through them in how they’re worded. By discovering this pattern, you can learn how to connect with others, and how to get the most out of your own interactions. I’ve gotten around this quasi-barrier by mentally editing things that people say to me into a kinesthetic sense; it helps me to understand them better. And while we’re not talking in different languages, this translation makes communication a lot easier.
Still, when it comes to giving compliments, receiving compliments, staying in touch with people, leaving comments on blogs and so on, it can be hard for me to deal with if it’s a simple message with no weight behind it. Because to me, that’s just a statement. It’s as bland and powerless as “smart” or “nice.”
Not that I don’t appreciate it. And if it comes on a little card with candy, I’ll definitely take it.
For more timely, relevant, and engaging articles,
subscribe to Brazen Careerist.
- The Anti-Stalker’s Guide for Converting Online Contact into Real World Collaboration
- How To Find a Writing Partner Who Can Help You Achieve Your Goals and Make More Money
- Continuing Education: Extending Learning Beyond Your Campus Years
- A New Kind of Business Mover and Shaker
- Why You Might Be Better Off Without a Job After College
Comments
06.14.10
I get this. When I studied abroad for a summer in high school, the teachers made us give compliments to everyone at the end of our stay in Valencia, Spain. When I got mine, I had 17 out of 32 people tell me that I was inteligente (12) or muy inteligente (5). I agree that compliments like that can be way too generic.
06.14.10
I understand where you're coming from. Compliments such as "You're nice" or "You're smart" are so generic that they mean nothing. But if someone were to say: "You're really nice. You have great manners and hold doors open for people" or whatever passes for "nice", that might mean a little more.
When a read a blog post, if "Nice post" is the only thing I can say, I say nothing because I don't want to sound as if I'm just being nice for the sake of it.
06.15.10
Instead of complimenting you, how about I just punch you in the throat, kick you in groin, stomp on your head, throw you in the nearest dumpster while insulting your looks, intelligence, parentage, and general existence and get it over with?
Feel better and more authenticated now?
06.15.10
I apologize if this comes off as condescending as that is not my intent. I think the problem here lies in a lack of self-esteem and not in the concept or execution of compliments. You felt your first girlfriend was blowing smoke up your butt, you think your writing is terrible, etc.
Have you considered accepting a compliment for what it is and sending the analytical part of your brain on a temporary vacation when receiving one?
06.15.10
Thanks for the comments, everyone!
Caroline - Sometimes, people use broad statements and generic compliments as a way to cover for a lack of knowing someone better. But hey, at least people think you're smart in two languages!
Jake - I have a tendency to do that too. Nice for the sake of nice might be fine for some people, but it tends to have more resonance when a compliment can be more specific.
JRandom - You mean you're coming to visit? Dude, that's awesome!
Sean - I actually didn't come up with the idea of different receptors for intent and comprehension - it's something from a behavioral psychology class I took back in college. And to answer your question, I have tried that, but I hate feeling insincere when someone else is trying to be nice to me. Your self-esteem comment is interesting, but at least in my case, I have more of an overabundance of self-esteem than a lack of it. That may be true for some people, though.
06.18.10
Not visiting, just sending an MMA heavyweight fighter with a nasty attitude to do the deed. :)
06.18.10
You're smart.
I joke.
Personally I need a "because" with a compliment. The whole "You're great" doesn't fly with me, unless it's "You're great because you went out of your way to do this for me and with such enthusiasm."
06.18.10
@Andrew I appreciate the enlightened response. Many people would have immediately taken offense where none was intended! I actually minored in Psych myself so I absolutely get your view and I'm glad you've got plenty of confidence as everybody should! Still, I'm focused in on this part where you hate feeling insincere when someone is trying to be nice. Why would your response be insincere in the first place if you were truly confident? Can't you fill in the "you're great" in your head?
Just a question for thought, again not trying to push your buttons. Maybe it's just me but I accept both "You're great" and "You're great because you went out of your way to do this for me and with such enthusiasm" sincerely and with gratitude. Do I feel a little better when I hear the latter vs the former? Sure do, but I appreciate both all the same. I'm not saying I'm better than you, just agreeing that there is a switch in the brain that for some says "accept all compliments" and for others says "question all compliments".
...coincidentally, I think my Behavioral Psych class covered that much like yours did :D
06.22.10
@Andrew It indubitably was because they had nothing else to compliment me on. I defeated everyone else in my class in Jeopardy, which became legend. I was known as the Hermione of that class.
Got Something To Say?
Got Something To Say?
Not a Member? Brazen Careerist is a career management tool for next-generation professionals. Set up a free account today to comment on this post and start sharing your ideas. Learn more.
Login to view your networks!
 |
 |
|
|
 |
