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I really detest being interrupted while I am trying to have a conversation. I hate when people jump to another subject before I am finished my point. I hate it when people believe they know what the end of my sentence is going to be and finish it for me. And in general I hate to be in the middle of talking to someone else only to be approached, without pause or deference, by another person.
Which means, in turn, I am very unwilling to do all of this to other people. And as a rule, I don't. I was raised not to, and even as an adult, I see very clearly the reasons why I was raised not to do these things. It's disruptive, rude, and shows a lack of respect to the other person talking.
Exceptions exist of course, even for me. When I am with some of my oldest friends just goofing around we talk over each other about the dumb crap we usually talk about. A football game or the lame ass we used to know back in school. That's part of being good friends I dare say. But only when you know someone well enough, and even then, only when the subject matter is not of particular importance, do I feel that over talking and cutting off is acceptable.
But when I am first meeting new people, I consider it very rude to not be allowed to finish what I am saying.
And yet sometimes I wonder if that is the only way people know how to converse anymore. And if that is true, is it the only way to clearly present the parts of you that are most interesting to a new acquaintance?
Anyone who follows me here, on Brazen Careerist, or on Twitter knows that I despise standard networking, and that I don't do much of it. But some of the reasons I hate it I think have an effect on my interactions with people even when I am not networking. Namely, I like to let people finish their points before I offer something to a conversation.
But more and more, people don't know how to finish their point, or are otherwise unwilling to just stop talking long enough for there to be any kind of pause to fill. As though people are afraid to stop talking. And so when they meet me, they end up talking in an unbroken string for 15 minutes, and I simply nod. That is because it is in my DNA not to interrupt someone new while they are speaking to me, if otherwise they are not being offensive, and not preventing me from doing something important. (And usually, they are not doing either.)
I wonder if the overall effect is that I seem like a boring person that hasn't done much, or doesn't have anything of interest to say. After all, if I had any passion for anything, I would interrupt once in a while, right? Maybe? And hence no connection is made.
I do hold other people responsible as well in this. The art of conversation, especially with people you have just met, dictates that you give and take. That you ask questions as often as you express an opinion or tell a story. But setting that aside, does the world find people who interrupt, and talk over, to be more interesting or engaging somehow than those that do not?
If so, I don't know if I could ever adjust to doing something to others that I hate being done to me. (This is perhaps why I much prefer written communication.)
Nonetheless, what do you think? Do people like me need to become comfortable with talking over, or cutting off people, or finishing their thoughts in order to make more of an impression during a conversation?
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Comments
06.04.10
good point. I come from a culture where it's very rude to interrrupt. Even when I was a child, we stood off to the side until we were acknowledged and then we spoke. I think though, that once in a while, it's perfectly okay to interrupt. Especially when it comes to clarifying a point, or something along that line. I just find that conversations can run away from you if you so happen to let them. It's partially assertive, when it's not done maliciously and without tact. Usually, something like "sorry, can I ask a question before you continue?" works just great!
06.05.10
This is something that makes my blood boil, and I mean BOIL. One of my closest friends and colleagues likes to talk over me when he has a point to make. Additionally, after I make a statement, he has to follow it up with "I knew that..." or "Just like..." so that way in his world, and mind, he's right.
I always thought conversations were two way streets where people were equal. Not one ways where one person is always right, and the other is merely a puppet to which they can further make themselves feel correct.
Interrupting is most certainly one of my least favorite things. When a case of interrupting happens, I have been known to ask "Oh, I thought we were having a conversation. Isn't that when two people both are given the courtesy to speak? At least, that's what I was taught was an adult conversation".
06.06.10
I have great difficulty with this. I hate being interrupted, especially if it's done over and over again and I never get to say what I need to say. It takes a lot of energy for me to actually start saying words (I'm an introvert) and to have to stop and start again mentally drains me.
But I end up interrupting others a lot. I don't mean to, but it takes me about 1 to 3 seconds between when I actually "start" talking and when the words come out. By that time someone else may well have started talking, but the freight train is already out of the tunnel. Once I've started, it's very hard to stop.
Most people don't actually mind this (generally people who are used to chatting all day). It's as if they expect that if you have something to say then you'll just stop them and interrupt. I personally find this quite difficult.
Then there are the people who are quite happy to talk over me fully in the middle of saying something, but get grouchy if I interrupt them in the first second of their talking, or if I offer my input when they leave a pause big enough to drive a Mack truck through.
I think there are really a number of different types of people. Some you need to interrupt if you want to get a word in, they don't really mind it. Some you really shouldn't interrupt, and they'll try not to interrupt you. And then the last lot don't really care what you have to say as long as they get to speak. There are probably more out there as well. Unfortunately it's difficult (at least for me) to tell which is which initially, but that is the key.
Sometimes you shouldn't interrupt. Sometimes you *have* to interrupt. And most of the time you don't know which it is until too late.
06.06.10
Thanks for the responses here. And the consensus is one that I agree with...sometimes in the course of true converses, a certain degree of interjection will take place. I would lie if I say I never did it. But I think the key is categorizing what kind. The kind that asks for clarification, or one that seeks to keep your head above water are acceptable in most cases. (Though if you are drowning in someone else's chatter, maybe you should just give up.)
But correcting some factoid that really isn't that vital, or jumping subjects, or otherwise interrupting for the sake of making the conversation more about what you want...that is the kind I hate, and the kind that I have happen to me more often than I care to remember.
I need to do more of the good kind, I guess, but would rather not do the good kind, and be innocent of the bad kind...that interrupt for "good reasons" along with sometimes "bad" reasons.
06.06.10
This is a great topic - thanks for posting it. To hopefully add to the conversation, I think one of the key points here, is that many people are not used to listening. In a conversaton, so often people are just "waiting for their turn to speak" rather than truly listening for understanding, or really trying to hear and validate what the other person is saying.
That is the great part about online forums - you have to take the time to read, and understand what the other is saying before being able to respond.
With that, I notice that I change my communication style to adapt to the other person and their communication style. Some people, I notice I have to "interrupt" by starting to say something, or look like I'm going to speak, and then they pause to let me in. Some I wait until their point is completely made. Others, who are very assertive in their communication, I will force my way into the conversation, knowing I have a short window of opportunity and then very quickly make my point.
I've read many articles in HBR and other locations about "Emotional Intellegence" particularly in relation to business. With that, a large part of communication is also non verbal, movements, gestures, eye communication and depending on the situation I try to ensure that I'm also non verbally communicating that I want to be part of the conversation.
This is a great topic, and one that really speaks to a never ending challenge within the business space, of communication to / from managers and employees, within teams etc.
Unfortunately - a lot of people don't really know how to actively listen, so this will always be a challenge.
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