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An older friend once wrote to me that he would never wish to revisit his twenties for all the money in the world. It’s the most trying period in any lifetime, he had said, and were I still tacking “teen” onto the end of my age, I would have questioned him — your twenties should be a thrilling time of newfound freedom, after all. However, now, the older I get, the more I realize that he couldn’t be more right.
When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to be twenty. I thought that there was something magical about this time of your life — going to college, getting your first job, falling in love, buying a house or renting an apartment…It seemed like this was when your life really began — independence poured through your veins and you glowed with youth while you finally made your way into adulthood.
Life was for the taking, you believed. You could be anyone, do anything, and go anywhere. The life that you’d imagined since childhood was laid out, a set path that you couldn’t wait to get started on. You were ready to grow up; you were ready to be an adult.
What you weren’t ready for was the greatest obstacle you could imagine.
Yourself.
Some claim it to be a quarter-life crisis; others call it a simple loss of identity. However it‘s labeled, it makes for one of the most difficult times of any young life.
When you’re an adolescent, you get a free pass for all of the mistakes you might make. You’re trying to find and define yourself, to see where you fit into the world, to figure out just who you are as an individual. You might try new hairstyles, new clothes, new hobbies, and make new friends in the search for self-identity, and not only is it accepted, but it’s encouraged.
In your twenties, however, you’re expected to have all of that already figured out. Yet in your twenties, you might feel just as lost.
Once again, you’re caught between two stages of life — not a child by any means, but not yet an adult. Suddenly thrust into a world of responsibility that comes with that independence you’ve always craved, you’re still struggling to reconcile who you were with who you long to be, trying to find, once again, where you belong in a world that you are suddenly so aware you’re a part of — a world that has changed, just as you have changed.
Just as you will continue to change.
Once upon a time, I believed that my life would begin once I reached my twenties. I couldn’t wait to become the adult I had always longed to be, that I knew I was at heart. I already knew who I was, I knew where I was going, and I knew what I wanted. But despite all of that, I never once realized that challenges can temporarily stand in your way, that dreams can change, or that self-identity is a process of constant rediscovery.
There isn’t a magic transformation that turns you into an adult the day you turn twenty. And the change doesn’t suddenly occur when you turn 21 or 25 or even 30. Growing up is a process in and of itself, one that takes its own time, that occurs when you least expect it.
Before you know it, you’ll turn around and look behind you at the years that have passed, you’ll see how much you’ve changed, how much you’ve learned, and how much you’ve really lived. And that’s when you’ll realize that it’s not the age that matters.
It’s all up to you.
Susan, a twenty-something hailing from Pennsylvania with a BA in English, created and writes at Twenty(or)Something, a blog focused on a blend of career and personal development with a mix of creativity and reminiscence. You can follow her on Twitter @20orsomething.
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Comments
06.02.10
Great post! I am 28 and I can honestly say that my twenties has been filled with trial and error. It is a time of laying your roots down for your future. Career wise I have definitely experimented until I have found the right thing. Actually I am still figuring that out but I know I am on the right path. Learning about the adult you, money, career, love-it all comes into play. My twenties have been about growing up! Is it how I imagined it-yes but harder. But what's easy.
06.02.10
I'm anxious to hear what the twenty-somethings who are back living with their parents and/or going straight to grad school are going to think when they are asked this question? Was that the plan all along? If not, how did they get derailed? What are they doing to overcome their obstacles?
06.03.10
Great guest post- I've been hosting several other guest posts on "The Quarterlife Crisis" myself and I am a firm believer that it is a time not to fret but to take advantage and take some risks in order to discover what you really want.
06.03.10
Every year I get closer to 30, I feel better. Of course, the people who are 50 in my office think I'm crazy, but they also treat me like I'm always going to be the junior person. No matter what I accomplish, age is still a factor for them. I do love that I have a lot of flexibility, and later in life, that may not be the case. However, it is exhausting. Not only are you dealing with professional ups and downs, but there's social, learning how to be the "grown up," figuring out the new dating world, dealing with life decisions that they don't prepare for you in college. If I had any idea that my 20s would be easy, I was wrong. Good post...
06.03.10
Reading this post as a 30 something I grinned a bit. During college and shortly after I was ready to take the world by storm...so many dreams so much to accomplish. As I moved along though I realized money and time were in short supply and have adjusted my dreams accordingly. Knowing what I know now, I would re-live my 20s again and make some changes, take some risks that I avoided then.
I look at my 30s as a ten year span of growth...mortgage, kids, career growth, etc. No matter what your age, there is always something new on the horizon and it is up to you to decided what you are going to go for and what you will leave behind.
06.03.10
I wouldn't change a thing. I accomplished everything I set my mind to in my 20's. I finished school, became a professional, then an executive and then started my own business. I am now 35 and still feel as if I am in my 20's I guess it doesn't hurt that I have aged really well, but that is besides the point. I think that at any age there are things that we must deal with and overcome. I think by not being overtaken by the stigma of "Being Too Young" or "Being Too Old" to go after what you want is the key to happiness and success. I was great in my 20's and I'm even greater in my 30's.
06.03.10
Considering that all of my friends died when they were 18 or 19, it's amazing and astonishing that I made it to my 21st birthday, some 4 decades ago.
06.03.10
@Amy - Are you saying that money and time were the two main factors in keeping you from realizing some of your dreams? Do you think there were other factors, as well?
@Raquel - I feel like the 20's are the first time in one's life that they truly understand what is means to face burdens and overcome them and that's why it seems like such a big deal. What defines your 20's (and yours 30's and 40's and so on) is how you overcome these life and career events and move to the next level.
06.03.10
@Lindsay: I love this comment -- this is really what a lot of the post is about. Your twenties is difficult because of that trial and error - -because we haven't laid down those roots, because we haven't yet figured so much out yet. And yet, sometimes we're expected to. It's a wonderful time of learning and adventure, but with that comes obstacles that can be quite challenging. It's growing up. That's exactly it! Great comment, thanks so much for sharing -- wishing a little more ease for you in the years to come ;)
@Patrick: Thanks for the comment! I agree wholeheartedly that this is the time to take those risks and chances if we're able to. Personally, however, I've always favored the feeling of being settled -- that's what I couldn't wait for. Maybe it's about finding balance. And maybe that's why your twenties can be so trying -- because we're trying to find that balance amidst so many experiences, responsibilities, and the like. Thanks for the thoughts, Patrick!
@Emily: I completely, completely understand this. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to be twenty -- to go to college, to have an apartment -- all of the things I said above. But for a long time now, I've been thinking "I can't wait until I'm thirty." Thirty felt like when I would grow into my own, when I would have the life I'd always wanted, when I would be the person I always believed I was. When I think about it and put it like that, it seems a bit ridiculous -- it's not about a number...It's about what you do with it right now. But there's that perception there -- that image of age. Your coworkers have that mirrored perception, only of you as a younger person. And it's difficult to rise above that professionally while still working through things, trying to figure everything out for yourself, perfectly. This is what I mean of that in-between. It's a tough spot to be in. Thanks for the comment, Emily! It seems more people can relate than I could have imagined!
06.03.10
@Amy: I think you just summed this up perfectly: "No matter what your age, there is always something new on the horizon and it is up to you to decided what you are going to go for and what you will leave behind." Life maybe isn't what we once imagined it would be, but then again, it rarely ever is. That's also the beauty in it, too -- the fact that things can change and pleasantly surprise us in ways we couldn't foresee. Maybe I was naive, but I didn't realize this until I reached my twenties. I think that's in part what made this time period so difficult...Thanks for sharing, Amy!
@Raquel: I agree with Tyler's response -- I think the challenge is that your twenties is the first time you're facing these things on your own. No matter how prepared we may be, there's nothing quite like the experience of being out on your own -- for better or for worse. I, too, wouldn't change anything because I've done so much and learned so much. But there were still challenges that I didn't expect. Will there be challenges at any age? But now you know how to tackle them. Also -- I love the fact that you say you're greater in your thirties. That is such a great attitude! :)
@JRandom42: This just goes to show that there's no set age when it comes to experiences, challenges, and losses. I say that your twenties are some of the most difficult time periods in a life for what it means in terms of independence and growing up, but some people grow up a lot sooner than others. Some people don't have a choice. Even four decades later, I'm very sorry for your losses.
06.03.10
This is an excellent post, Susan. I have a feeling that the "quarter-life crisis" is more common today than it was before. We are raised to believe that we can do anything we want and can change the world, only to find ourselves confronted with harsh realities that we couldn't anticipate. Actually, I think it's a very good thing that we're confronting these difficult questions now than later. I'd much rather have a quarter-life crisis than a mid-life crisis.
06.03.10
@Tyler You asked me if there was more to adjusting my dreams than time and money. Sure. The time and money combo is kind of like the idea of "your eyes being bigger than your stomach." I wanted to accomplish it all right away, but that's not the way life works. It's all a gradual process. I still want to accomplish every goal I put in front of myself and I get frustrated when I don't. My husband even teases me about this and says that with everything I tackle I want to be at the MBA level immediately rather than going through the learing process at the pace I'm capable of. It's the over-acheiver in my personality that sometimes gets in the way.
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