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I just finished reading this blog post by Kaneisha Grayson called 'Lessons from Power Couples' and it got me thinking about how underestimated the concept of marriage really is for women in my generation (before they get married). I had also read another post called '10 things I learnt in my first year of marriage' earlier last year, which only re-enforced this opinion. (I strongly suggest you read both blog posts)
Most women I personally know are Indian or of Indian origin, and look at the life event partly as a social obligation, partly as a way to move on to the next stage in life - financial stability, children and lifelong companionship. They honestly hope that they will marry someone they will have a 'balanced' relationship with, someone who will give their career goals equal priority as their own, someone who will be a good provider and a great father.
The truth of the matter really is, that while you can make an intelligent guess about all of these expectations being met, there is NO guarantee they will. And I'm meeting more and more women who fail to realize something that is most relevant to marriage than to any other form of human relationship - the fact that you always, always have to give much more than what you expect to get. And trust me, the equation WILL reverse at the right time.
What surprises me is the fact that none of us are really told this truth before we get married. It's something every woman has to learn herself, again and again.
I also feel that a lot of the unreasonable expectations that friends of mine looking to get married have, has so much to do with the way marriage is portrayed in pop culture.
With all these uncertainties and ambiguities about marriage, I have to say it was the boldest decision I made for myself. With all the massive personality changes that marriage demands from me, I absolutely enjoy the stage of life I am at and the relationship I share with my husband. It has to be the best decision I made for myself. I thoroughly enjoy the fact that marriage makes me navigate through so many unexplored dimensions of who I am and who I want to be.
What is the boldest decision you have made that changed your life for the better? What uncertainties did you have to ignore to take a big step in your life?
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Comments
03.15.10
My boldest decision was quitting a certain college major for another one, knowing that my career prospects would guarantee to go down the tank if I sticked with it. I will be publishing that blog entry at the end of the week.
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03.15.10
The boldest decision I ever made was leaving a very comfortable life in Northern California w/ my (then) boyfriend. We lived together in a great place close to family and friends. We both had stable jobs that paid well. We wanted more professionally and decided to chuck it all and start over in Los Angeles.
Besides all of life's uncertainties in your mid 20's we grew both individually and as a couple tackling the unknown. Now in our 30s, we've been happily married for 3 years (together for 10 years), we've gained experience and education in our professional industries and now have doors opening up for us and issuing us in.
If you can conquer the fear of the unknown, great things will happen!
03.15.10
The boldest decision I've ever made is not settling. Sure, situations don't always turn out the way I'd like, but in most, if I can make a change, I do. Be it in my job (by moving into a different role) or in my life (by relocating). I try my best to take ownership of what I can change, and if that will have an impact on overall happiness, I do it. I'm a different person than I was not just five years ago, but even six months ago. I keep growing and want everything to grow with me.
03.15.10
It's impressive how our generation is so open to risk. I guess the theory that economic conditions prevalent at the time of one's upbringing affect how much risk we take in our lives. I know this holds true for me without doubt.
@Stanley - I look forward to reading you post!
@Andrea - going through tough phases in life with your boyfriend truly tests the relationship and I'm not surprised that both of you got married. Glad you found a life partner through taking a bold step :-)
@Emily - I guess it takes courage to admit that you won't settle. Most people are so used to getting 95%.
It's so interesting to hear all your stories! Thank you for sharing.
03.15.10
@Emily: I won't be settling either, which is another bold decision that I have finally made despite contemplating it for years while in college (I actually see it even riskier than the opposite in terms of exposed dangers of complacency to mediocrity.) I'd even posted 3 blog entries about this topic and my top idea got featured today. Thanks for recommending my idea btw.
03.16.10
My boldest decision? Allowing myself to be drafted and sent to Vietnam. I could have easily gone to Canada and avoided the draft, but given my family history, how could I not go? I survived when many of my friends didn't, and it's changed me and the course of my life in ways that are still emerging more than 40 years later.
03.19.10
Quitting my PhD program four years in. Yeah, I'll probably finish, but that in NO way means I regret dropping out when I did. It was a great decision for my future, my lifestyle, and my career... even though I had a mad scramble of a job search for two months right as the recession became big news in late 2008.
03.19.10
@JRandom42 - I think what you did was so brave! Difficult situations often change the way we look at life for the better. Thanks for sharing your story!
@Karolyn - What you did does take a lot of determination. Glad you were able to find a job despite the recession.
05.10.10
My boldest was to spend Christmas Eve with a certain someone.
05.10.10
Tell my mother ether to seek help or never speak to me again, and keeping to my decision to cut her out of my life.
05.12.10
@Patrick - How sweet! Was it bold decision because you should've been with family?
@Paul - wow. That is bold! I guess one needs to take drastic steps to push a loved one to change their life.
05.12.10
Totally selfish, she was effecting my personal happiness and my boundaries are not made for crossing. No one, even family has the right to take them down with them.
Share wisdom or even a smile, but keep your problems to yourself.
05.12.10
Hard to say. Was it that I applied to exactly three colleges: Air Force Academy, West Point, and Naval Academy? (Not much of a fall back position, was there?!)
Or was it that I decided to leave the military at 16 years and go into the reserves in order to pursue my changing interests? People think I'm absolutely nuts to be delaying my retirement by 20 years just so I gain 4, but to me, it's not even a hard choice...
05.15.10
JenG, must have been nice to have the option of becoming an officer.
05.15.10
@JRandom- Yes,I certainly feel I've been very fortunate.
05.15.10
Giving up a promotion to work for myself.
05.16.10
Accepting a relocation to Baltimore MD and moving my husband and 2 kids from PA to partner with a start-up company. We were planning on moving back to NJ but this came up and we said 'why not?'. Moving for my job was a first for us since my husband was always the higher paying bread winner. We knew no one in MD and my husband was searching for a job right up until we closed on our house. We moved from a very large house into a small town home and had to get rid of a lot of 'stuff' and also re-home one of our dogs. It was a lot to give up and chance for a new job...but ended up being the best decision we made in a long time. We have been able to get out of debt and succeed in our professional careers along with providing for our 2 kids.
05.17.10
@JenG - Wow! I've always had a deep admiration for people who choose to join the Army / Navy / the forces (forgive my lack of knowledge here!). I'm just not that patriotic :-) Although I've often heard from colonels and officers that they never joined the forces to begin with, purely due to patriotism.
@Kenji - Really? It's a dream to do that eventually with my Indian cooking business. What's your business about?
@Jennifer - That is so great! I'm not sure what I'd do faced with such options. It must've been a huge transition period for you and your family no? It's interesting to note how open our generation is to change and completely altering our current circumstances to pursue a dream. Don't recall many people from my parent's generation doing something like for example, what you did. So glad it all worked out for you!
05.17.10
Sabera, thanks for the awesome thread!
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