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Since moving to the new warehouse my diet has been so much better. I get up early, eat breakfast, make a lunch full of fruits and vegetables. I don't have the option to be lazy anymore. There's no food court for me to go to for food so I have to make a good lunch.
Last night I had THE BEST workout I've had in a long time. Over an hour an a half, lots of cardio and a great circuit session. I had such a high from it last night and all day today. I ate salad for lunch. I had a delicious veggie burger and salad for dinner. I was doing great.
And then my sweet tooth started yelling at me and I ate a goddamn brownie.
Now I know, deep down, one brownie is not going to ruin my life, lead to a 20 pound weight gain or render me a hideous she-beast. But all I can think about is how stupid it was to eat the thing when I was doing so well.
I don't know why I can't control myself. Here's the thing, it doesn't have to be a brownie... it could be a really fresh nectarine, or a yummy salad. If it's good, I can't stop. Period. And chances are good I could eat more than one of anything - good, bad or otherwise. My self control is... what self control?? I don't have it.
Why are we so fucked up about food? To this day, I MUST clean my plate - even if I'm full, because my grandmothers both made us based solely on the fact kids somewhere were starving, or because when they were young they were poor and never got to eat food like we did, or it was insulting to the chef... blah blah blah - I eat til it's gone and if I'm feeling sick at that point, well, tough tits.
Then at some point in our lives it's allllll about being fat. The same grandmothers and mothers who crammed plates of food down your throat for the sake of starving kids in Africa were all of a sudden commenting that you were getting pudgy, or giving you THAT LOOK when you ate a cookie, or drank a soda.
Suddenly you're going on diets, counting calories, reading books, cutting carbs, cutting sugar, living off 100 Calorie packs while constantly complaining of headaches.
Here's how I feel about food. I love food. It's awesome. Sometimes I love it too much. I like to celebrate and commiserate with food. I know what's good for me and I know what's bad for me, but I only care half the time. I know I have a self control issue that takes MAJOR concentration to overcome.
And yet when I try and fail I beat myself up. So I should logically just quit failing, right?
Ugh. When did food get complicated? We all need to eat and shouldn't take with our mouths full, so how did it come to this??
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Comments
03.12.10
I am with you, sister. I have had food issues since I was a kid. If I was feeling bad, food was my friend and then it was my foe, because I would gain weight. The comfort foods are the worst, they just sit there and beg for you to finish the entire pint, or bowl, of whatever warm homey goodness it is. I don't have an answer. I wish I could replace the voice that yearns for a slab of cheese for a voice that says "You're not really hungry, go running". Who knows? Anyway, Thanks for this post. Very well said and it's good to know someone has the guts to write about it.
03.12.10
Your post feels like a conversations I've had with myself before. I'm a pretty healthy person, but I love food. My balance is usually in working out, but I've had to figure something out because of a back injury. What I've found though, is I may crave a sweet, but I don't eat the same way. Great example: Girl Scout cookies. I could probably have eaten an entire sleeve of Thin Mints at one time, now, I just want a couple. But if I locked the boxes up and threw away the key, it wouldn't work the same way. Surrounding myself with REALLY good options (like yogurt!) means that I go there first because I still love the good-for-me-stuff.
03.13.10
I know just what you mean. I can go a whole day eating perfectly well. A perfect 1850 calorie day..and then I eat a whole tub of chocolate covered raisins (2000 additional calories) right before bed time! I wake up the next day, spend close to two hours working out and then...repeat...very frustrating. I have had a lot of success using myfooddiary.com. It helps you to at least know how screwed up your self discipline is.
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