Is Your Time on the Internet Impacting Your Children? Powerful Ways to Find Out and What To Do

The Work/Life Line Has Significantly Blurred

Twenty years ago, people at work would anxiously (and excitedly) watch the hands of their watch right before 5:00 PM. As soon as 5 o’clock hit, they would jump up from their desk, pick up their bags and off they went back home.

Once at home, their personal lives would take over. Yes, perhaps they’d think once or twice about the project left undone at work, or about a current work-related stressor, but there was not much they could do until the very next day. There was a clear line between work and personal life.

The availability and power of the internet, however, has seriously blurred the work/life line for many of us. This is especially true for those with flexible schedules, those who work from home part-time or full-time, entrepreneurs, individuals with online businesses, etc. In fact, this is true even for those with traditional 9 to 5 jobs. We all find ourselves checking our personal and work email accounts, networking sites, and every distraction in between.

The Internet Has Penetrated the Most Intimate Moments of Our Personal Lives

The internet has penetrated the most intimate of moments. We go online while we’re cooking, eating, while we’re in the bathroom, before we go to sleep, right after we awake, and, some will confess, even while breast-feeding.

And who can be strong enough to avoid the pull? Think about the ding ding sounds of your Twitter new message announcement on your iPhone. Consider the enticing sounds of a new email, or the emailed notification of a new message on your Facebook wall, or a request for a new Facebook friend confirmation.

Ways to Know Your Use of the Internet at Home is Impacting Your Children:

• Your child is apprehensive when approaching you with an important question or concern if you’re using the computer.
• Your child becomes clingy, needy, and/or acts out when you are on the computer.
• Your child asks: ”Mom/Dad…when are you going to be done with your work…?”
• Your child sits around you, bored and quiet (the “I’m here waiting for you to be done mom/dad” syndrome)
• Your child has learned to make request of your attention around your computer use time (e.g., “mom/dad, can we do something together after you’re done with your computer work?”)
• Your child comes to ask you a question or to share something exciting, but hesitates when they realize you are on the computer.
• Your child complains that you are “always on the computer…!”
• Your child anxiously reminds you that you received a new twitter, email or voice message on your phone.
• Your young children want to be on your lap while you’re on the computer (this is often a sign that they really need you).
• Your children interrupt you continuously when you’re online — they can’t seem to stop asking for something, or they want to share what just happened, or they make multiple requests within a short period of time.

Powerful Underlying Messages Children Receive: Modern technology is the most distracting aspect of family life these days. Being aware of how we, as parents, allow ourselves to be distracted by the internet, our phones and other technological gadgets, is important. Failing to do so can result in conveying powerful messages to our children. Here are a few:

I. Work is All-Consuming: Often times we define our time on the internet as “work.” Sometimes that is accurate, but sometimes it is not. It is a great way to justify our behavior online. The reality is that we do spend a significant amount of time either surfing or social networking online, especially by the time our children are back from school. The “I’m working right now honey…” excuse that we give our children (once the work day is over) can convey powerful underlying messages about the concept of work, here are some:

1. There is no clear boundary between work time and time at home. This could have great impact in your children, as they grow up and need to create these important boundaries for themselves.
2. Work comes first before anything else at home.
3. Work is distracting and takes away the attention of important people in our life.
4. Work is addictive and it is difficult to let it go.
5. Work is all consuming.

II. Mom/Dad is Not Available to Me: Children need lots and lots of attention, especially from their parents. When parents are significantly distracted by stressors, emotional problems, alcohol, or technology, children begin to feel emotionally abandoned. This can have serious consequences in how they see themselves and their own self-worth.

III. Mom/Dad’s Attention is Conditional: Children thrive when they learn that they are loved (and attended to) unconditionally. It is so easy to get caught up on responding to one more email, or sending one more attachment — we end up asking our children to “wait just one more minute and I’ll be right there…” It is during this waiting time that children learn to internalize that your love and attention is conditional to you being done with your needs. This, again, can make children feel invisible and insignificant.

Tips on What You Can Do Today:

1. Out of sight, out of mind. When your work day is over, and the children are back from school, put away all your gadgets: the phone, the laptop computer, your ipod, and anything else that can be distracting. If you have a desktop computer in your family area, turn off the screen. This will help decrease the distracting noises, alarms and sounds coming from these devices (and hence, getting your attention). Do not carry your phone in your pocket. And if you do, turn it off (do not put it on vibrate).
2. If you must use the computer when the children are home, carve out that time after having spent time with your children. Children are most needy when they return from school. Decide how much time you’ll need and stick to it. If you need an hour, use the computer for an hour only.
3. Inform your children that you’ll be using the computer and for how long exactly. Children like to know what’s happening and what to expect. If you let them know ahead of time that you’ll need to work on a special project, let them know and tell them for how long.
4. Ask your spouse or a babysitter to be available when you’re on the computer. Have someone available for them to turn to when they need a glass of water, or they want to file a complaint about a sibling. You will also notice that you will be more productive as you’ll experience less interruptions from your children.
5. Many parents wait until their children are in bed to use the computer. This is not always possible, but if it works for your schedule and your family situation, this is often a good plan. However, be mindful of the fact that many people who work online at night tend to compromise their sleep schedule. I’m sure you’re aware of the negative health factors associated with poor and lack of sleep.
6. Whenever possible, use the computer in another room, not around the children. This will help avoid children feeling that you are “somewhat” available. It is confusing to see mom or dad right there, and figure out whether or not they are really available for a conversation or a concern.

Please send your comments — I’m eager to learn how this post resonates with you (or not).