Dear Bozz: I enjoy my job and I generally get along well with my coworkers, even if they're not people I want to see outside of work. This might be none of my business. A small group of coworkers have formed a kind of high school clique. They refer to themselves as The Popular Kids, in a joking manner. They spread awful stories about one woman who is older than the others. They say she's unprofessional and "crazy." They claim she faked an illness to avoid work. They sometimes ask the rest of us to exclude her. To her face, most of the time, they pretend to be very friendly. Sometimes the ringleader asks the bullied woman to coffee. Then she tells the rest of us stories about the older woman's personal life. The supervisors have started to pick up on the group's attitude. The older woman was even singled out for embarrassment in a meeting, based on a story that I think came from the ringleader. 

The situation is making me very uncomfortable. I try to stay friendly with everyone, but I don't feel good most of the time at work. Should I defend the older woman? Or tell her the others aren't really her friends? Or mind my own beeswax?

 Not a Bully, But Somehow Friends with a Bully 

Dear Not a Bully: This situation is exactly why I tell people not to use "Friend" relationship techniques with people at work. 

This woman has made you uncomfortable. She's sabotaged a woman's career during a time when losing a job has horrible consequences. She is not your friend.  Yet every time she behaves like a friend, all of you feel compelled to respond in kind? Do you ever wonder why? 

It's because, like many another corporate warrior, this woman bullies her coworkers by taking advantage of the social structures of friendship. When she offers coffee, it feels rude to refuse. When she shares details of her personal life, it feels uncomfortable to withhold. We're conditioned to operate this way. It's a good thing, in a normal social situation, one in which each party can get away from the other if necessary. Unfortunately for our collective peace of mind, THE WORKPLACE IS NOT A SOCIAL SITUATION.

 I'm just going to say it again, because it never seems to sink in:  THE WORKPLACE IS NOT A SOCIAL SITUATION.  You may have many true friends there. You may feel comfortable there. You may plan to stay for a long time and feel it's important to be your "real self." But a workplace is still a workplace. It is where you make money. It is where you compete.

 Your employer can terminate the relationship between you on a whim, without notice. Most of the time you and your coworkers cannot terminate the relationship, no matter how much you might wish it, without suffering financial hardship. 

 So when this woman approaches you,  stop responding as if you are buddies. You're not. You're colleagues. Show some leadership. Demonstrate self control. If she bad mouths your coworker, say, "That's too bad. She always says such nice things about you." If the group starts to tell stories about this coworker, or anyone else, change the subject. Respect the woman - what she's doing is unpleasant but not a crime - but stop making it easy for her.

 A final note of caution: DO NOT CLEAR THE AIR. Do not talk to the woman or anyone else about this behavior. A person like this will take anything you say and repeat it out of context in a way calculated to cause drama and make you look bad. Never give her ammunition. For this reason, I don't recommend talking to the coworker who is being  bullied, either. It will only get back to Miss Drama and land you on her list of targets.