But I could totally go for one of Jamie’s Situational Boyfriends.

My dating life has been practically nonexistent since May 2007. I made the decision to be single for a year so I could get my priorities in order, focus on getting into grad school, and discover who I really am. Also, I wanted to figure out why I was making such huge errors in judgment when it came to men. I decided to get back into dating once I started grad school, but it has not gone well. I went on a few real dates, I asked out a guy last year who said no, and the last guy who asked me out apparently had a girlfriend already. Dating in grad school is hard. For some of us, it is almost impossible. Not that it isn’t always hard work, but there is an added dimension of “dating fail” for us grad students.

First dates

This is how a typical first date conversation might go between me and someone who is not in school*:

Him: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I am in grad school.”

Him: “Oh, I hated school. I could never go back.”

(awkward silence)

Him: “Well, I mean, it’s cool you are going to school. I just didn’t like it.”

Me: “That’s fair. It is not for everyone. And if you can be successful and happy without an advanced degree, then that is awesome. What do you do?”

Him: a) “I work at a pool store.” b) “I wait tables.” c) “I’m in the Navy.”

Me: “Do you like it?”

Him: “I guess. I mean, it’s good money.”

Me: “That’s cool.”

(awkward silence)

Him: “So what are you studying in school?”

Me: “I am getting my Master’s in Applied Experimental Psychology.”

(awkward silence)

Me: “But I’m not that kind of psychology. I don’t want to be a counselor or therapist.”

Him: “So how are you getting a degree in psychology is you’re a not going to be a shrink?”

Me: “Oh, well psychology is very diverse. I am applying to PhD programs in Human Factors psychology.”

Him: “Human what?”

Me: “Human Factors. It is like a combination of Engineering and Psychology. So we use what we know about human abilities and cognition to make technology better. It is a lot of work, but I really like it.”

(awkward silence)

Him: “Ok”

(enter my attempts to rescue the conversation by talking about music, pets, and family)

Or:

Him: “I’m in IT. “

Me: “That is great. Do you think you’ll ever go back to school?”

Him: “I probably should so I could move up at work, but I am fine where I am.”

Me: “I know people who got certifications in certain programs. Is that what you did? Or did you get your Associate’s?”

Him: “Um… well… I have my Associate’s, yeah. I should probably get my Bachelor’s, but it’s such a pain working and going to school.”

Me: “Yeah, it is definitely hard, but it is worth it if you can make more money in a couple years or if you will be happier.”

Him: “I guess I am just lazy. I like having my free time.”

(awkward silence)

As you can see, the first few minutes of a first date can be uncomfortable for both parties. It is awkward for the me because I value my education, but don’t want to come across as a snobby bitch. It is awkward for the pool boy (or server, or computer nerd, or cashier, or sailor, or IT guy) because he doesn’t know what to say someone who is more educated. It doesn’t matter that I play board games, watch bad reality TV sometimes or giggle over That’s What She Said jokes. All they see is a bubble with “PhD” floating above my head. And all I see is someone who I’ve dated a million times (e.g., guys in the military) or someone who is apathetic about setting goals for his future**. Maybe he wants a girl who is ready to settle down and have kids, someone who will be a remarkable homemaker and mother. Maybe I want to find a guy who is not turned off by my brain. It isn’t that there is anything wrong with either of us. It is not that we want the wrong things in a partner. We are just not right for each other.

This is how a typical first date conversation might go with someone who is in school or who has a degree*:

Me: “So what do you like to watch on TV? Or do you like movies?”

Him: “Oh, I don’t own a TV. It is a waste of time. TV is just filled with bullshit and it serves no value whatsoever. Why would I waste my time watching a television show when I could watch a TED talk online? I only watch documentaries if I make it to a movie. I do like to read though. Do you read?”

Me: “I read so much for work and school, so it is hard to enjoy reading for fun. I used to love reading.”

Him: “Oh, so you read fiction?”

Me: “Sure, sometimes.”

Him: “I just don’t get people who read fiction. What is the point? I don’t want to read something unless I am going to learn something.”

(awkward silence)

Or:

Him: (discussing my previous employment) “How did you get into that kind of industry?”

Me: “Well, I worked for a cosmetics company after college and enjoyed doing people’s makeup. It just kindof happened, I guess. I liked learning about skin care and cosmetics, so it made sense.”

Him: “Girls who spend so much time doing their hair or makeup seem fake.”

Me: “It’s fun though. And it’s good to know how to take care of your skin, right? And I am not a natural redhead. I color my hair.”

Him: “Well, I mean, on you it is fine. But normally I wouldn’t like it if a girl dyed her hair.”

(awkward silence)

Or:

Him: “Have you ever heard of (insert obscure writer)?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve read some of his stuff. I like him, but should probably read some again now that I’m older.”

Him: (grabs me, hugs me) “I love you.”

Here I have given examples of three types of “smart” guys. Some guys have a little bit of a problem with insecurity even though they are smart. Or they are just narcissistic jerks. Or they are socially awkward because they really are super smart and never developed appropriate social skills. Sorry, guys, if you think I am superficial because I wear mascara every day and color my hair… but you can jump off a bridge. That whole concept “beauty is beastly” comes into play for many women women in my program who are still single. Women can be beautiful and intelligent. I also understand why some intelligent people are socially awkward (I have studied psychology since I was 16). I can handle it for awhile, but at some point I can’t be the girl to help “fix” you and I am not your mother.

I have not dated many artists or musicians or professionals (lawyers or doctors or entrepreneurs), so I cannot give examples of first dates with them. I have friends online who are professionals and artists and they do not seem to get weird about me being in school. In fact, they seem to actually be interested in knowing more about what I do. Shocker.

If you are, say, a lawyer or a musician and would like to prove that you are not like the guys I have mentioned here, please feel free to contact me.

While some of these individuals I have met online are total dating material, I am not sure what the etiquette is yet on dating people you meet on Twitter or 20 something bloggers. Suggestions?

*These are based on true events.

**The way our economy is right now, I totally understand why someone might have a job that does not match up to his or her level of expertise. Hell, I live on loans for the most part right now. Money, an advanced degree or a job that requires a suit and tie do not equal success in my book. I want to be with someone who is happy with his job and who challenges himself and uses his talents/skills/knowledge to make some sort of impact. If you work at Blockbuster at 28, that is fine, but what do you do with your time after the uniform comes off?

Where I (don’t) meet guys

Dating within your program is usually frowned upon. It is difficult to date within a program because it is a professional environment so the rules of dating a coworker apply here. In addition, we spend so much time together in class, in our labs, or in study groups that we become more like a family. It is hard to think of even the cutest guys in the group as dating material.

I spend most of my time at home, at work, on campus (in class, in meetings, in my labs) or commuting. That does not leave much time to go out and meet other singles. I am also over that phase of my life where I want to spend every evening dressing up to go clubbing and partying. I enjoy a glass of wine, but don’t want to get smashed every night with the people in my program. If I have free time, I would rather spend that time with my close friends or curled up with my cat watching a movie.

If only I could live in LA for awhile to be part of Patti’s Millionaire Matchmaker applicant pool. I kid, I kid.

Saving the best for last

Some of my best friends are married couples. It is inspiring to see people I love who are married and have good relationships. (You know who you are!) For awhile I felt a little self-conscious hanging out with married couples as a third wheel, but now I savor every moment. I not only get to hang out with amazing friends, but I am exposed to models of what a healthy, happy relationship should be.

Most of my friends are married or are in a long term relationship. Of all my high school friends, I can count on one hand how many of us are still truly single. My college friends who are single? Again… one hand. What’s more… many people my age have already been married, divorced and have kids. I stumbled upon this article in Jezebel about the detriment of settling for a guy too soon:

Just because you settle down doesn’t mean you marry a good man.

It is true that many people stay in the same place their entire lives and end up marrying their high school sweetheart or someone they meet in college. A lot of women go to college with the intention of getting their M.r.s. In my case, I have moved roughly every 5 years since I was born. I almost settled down with my high school sweetheart after an on again off again relationship. Sure, we could have gotten married, but we would not have stayed married. It doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other, but we were too young to make decisions about our futures. I look back now and know with absolute certainty I am better being single. I have only recently discovered who I am, what I am made of, what I need in life. How could I have known what kind of man is right for me until now?

The good news

There are amazing men out there. I have met them. Sure, they are already married because a woman found them and snatched them up immediately!!! But I will meet more intelligent, handsome, mature, kind men in my future. And they will be single. And they will ask me on a date. And it will go splendidly.

My love/hate relationship with being single

Recently, Erin, discussed the downside of being a bachelorette. I thought I would share some of the reasons I have a love/hate relationship with being single.

Some cons:

• I can’t snuggle up with someone at night before I go to bed. Instead, I have a cat and Netflix.
• I eat meals at home alone. Yes, just like in that scene in The Wedding Planner (except that I cook).
• I don’t have someone to help me cook, clean, run errands, or do “manly” things like work on my car when I am overwhelmed with school and work.
• I don’t have someone to go work out with me. I wish I had a significant other to hold me accountable for taking better care of myself physically.
• I can go to a coffee shop to work without a problem, but I do not like to eat at restaurants alone, see movies alone or go to a bar alone no matter how many times I have tried.

Some pros:

• I have a budget that does not involve another person’s needs and desires. I can buy what I want.
• I can cook and eat what I want. That mostly means I don’t have to cook meat in my house! And I can add spinach, avocado, chick peas or sweet peas without someone telling me I am a freak.
• I have had to learn how to do “manly” things for myself, so I am self-sufficient.
• I can listen to my music as loud as I want, when I want. I can study and get work done in my apartment in peace.
• My grad school weight gain is more acceptable for me because no one else will have to see this ass. TMI?

So, if I’ve been single this long, why do I want a man?

Ultimately, I want a companion. Someone with whom I can share the good times and the bad times. It isn’t about the sex… ok, maybe it is a little about the sex… but truthfully, I want to come home after a long day to see a man with whom I am head over heels in love. Some women want a man to pay for things, but I don’t need anyone’s money. I don’t need a man to “take care of me.” I need a man to hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me everything is going to be OK when I feel overwhelmed. I need a man to make me laugh out loud.

Life is so much better when we can share it with someone. It doesn’t matter how successful I am in the future if I am traveling the world alone. If I am buying my first house alone. If I am adopting a child alone. My life is complete. I am content. I love my life and where it is going. To be able to share my life with a great man would make it much more meaningful.