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Current Mood: Contemplative.
Current Song: Talking to the Walls by Finger Eleven
"I can do it myself." It's a phrase that we hear often in my house and that I use often in my relationships. It denotes that I'm perfectly capable of handling things my self. I don't whimper when I'm left alone. I can manage. It's pretty obvious I'm independent. If you know me, and my family, you know this is true for pretty much all of us.
I'm starting to find that in some cases being independent can be a bit detrimental.
In talking to some of my female friends over the last few days, I've noticed that a lot of us treat Independence and emotional unavailability congruently. To prove you're independent you have to shut out anything that might make you remotely vulnerable. This sucks a little when it comes to relationships because we make a huge show of shutting people out.
It's not right really, is it?
I think that there is something to be said about the strength of women who are able to be vulnerable, and to put that sword down for a little while. It lets us live in another moment where we're not always anticipating getting hurt or having to take immediate action all the time. Being strong is really tiring. Trust me. Sometimes you just want to take that armour off and deal with whatever at a later date.
And I think that's just fine.
As 21st Century, Gen Y women, who are always talking about being secure about their identities, we run the other way when we have to let people in. If we're so strong, why don't we trust the fact that we can take on whatever this vulnerability brings to us? Again, like so many things, it's about trusting yourself and your ability to handle uncertainty.
What do you think, boys and girls? Do we make independence synonymous with emotional unavailability? Is making yourself vulnerable necessarily giving up your independence?
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Comments
01.08.10
I know someone who does this. She makes a rule for herself, and seems to think that she can never violate her own rule--that any infringement of it indicates not control over her own decisions, but compromise and weakness.
She's not easy to be around. But I doubt she'll figure that out any time soon.
01.11.10
I think we equate "independent" with "male" and in order to be "male" we need to be "emotionally invincible" which is, of course, a fallacy. Men aren't emotionally invincible and people who are a healthy level of vulnerable are plenty independent. It's about being who we want ourselves to be and not trying to be labels that we've learned from everyone else.
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