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The debate over whether to take your husband’s name is not new, but it continues to get trickier because of digital branding. By the time many women get married, they have made quite a name for themselves professionally. Particularly if they are in a career that involves online publishing, they have likely built up a digital brand. Google searches won’t have the same power with a new name.
To resolve this, a woman has a few options, such as having two last names, or separating her legal name from her professional name. Joan Indiana Rigdon chose the latter option and wrote about it for Forbes.com. It would be a seemingly perfect solution, except work and personal lives, as we know, are not easily divided in the digital age. Aside from figuring out how to resolve her taxes and pay stubs, Rigdon also had to decide which name to use on Facebook and her e-mail (so which is professional and which is personal?).
As you can see, the debate is post-feminism and far transcends the "old" debate over whether taking a man’s name is submitting to patriarchy. A lot of Gen Y women (much to the chagrin of feminists before us) are “over” the need to prove ourselves equal, and willing to embrace traditions at times. And yet, one of the products of feminism is that we earned more of a place in the workplace—and that has led to our name being more important—and that has led us to question the tradition of taking our husband’s name for pragmatic reasons.
On a side note, my friends are getting hitched right and left (and I'm in two weddings next month); as far as I know, none have kept their maiden names or are planning to do so.
Luckily digital tools might evolve more to solve the conundrum. I created a profile on Google and was able to give it alternate spellings of my names (such as “Ellen,” my full name). That could be handy for married women as well.
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Comments
12.31.09
I totally understand what it's like to look around you and wonder what some women are going to do. I attended or was in 13 weddings in the past 3 years, and that doesn't count the number of weddings I couldn't attend. There are a variety of options, like you mentioned, and another I saw is when the bride and groom each take the others. So then they have both names in the hyphen, and I thought it was kind of romantic he took her name as part of his. I know when I bought emilyjasper.com, this would come up as an eventual concern for me. But I also REALLY love my last name. Like really really really love it. So I had kind of been leaning toward my husband taking my name, if it won't ruin his digital brand.
Thanks Ellie!
01.01.10
My name has followed me all my life and won't be changing. I like the idea of adding to it, though, as I add another person's life to mine. I also like the idea that someone might consider attaching my vowel heavy moniker to theirs in the same spirit. It's all open to negotiation, though. One of the great beauties of the present situation is that we're all welcome to hash this mess out in the way that works best for us.
Thanks for posting!
01.01.10
I got married when I was 29. I knew who I was both personally and professionally with my own name. I had no idea who I would be with my husband's name. I worked as a TV Producer and did a fair amount of freelance work. I also really, really liked me...so I kept my name...my husband was very proud (and still is) of me liking and being me.
Now we are older and while there are those moments when you can't remember whose name you gave for a reservation/dry cleaning, etc. And I cannot travel out of the country with my little one without a birth certificate in hand...but I would not change a thing. I still like who I am!
01.01.10
I got married this year (somewhat unexpectedly) and kept my maiden name. I had always planned to, as my mother kept her name when she married my father and gave me her name when I was born. I'm not sure what we'll do if/when we have kids - that's so far down the road we haven't discussed it yet.
One of the things I've found interesting is how receptive/unreceptive different men are to the idea of their wife keeping her name. Out of curiosity, I talked about it with every guy I dated and most of my male friends. Some guys didn't care. Others hated the idea. There didn't seem to be any pattern as far as educational level, socio-economic background, regional background... nothing. Very odd.
01.01.10
Not married, but can see how this debate is changing. I for one, am probably going to keep my maiden name for professional reasons. Aside from the whole digital media aspect, it's what is on my professional certificates, diplomas and published work. And frankly, I earned the reputation under my name, so I'd like to keep it.
Like Jess, I haven't found a pattern either. Some men are very okay with it. Others are thoroughly offended by the idea.
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01.01.10
I guess I'm surprised we're still having this discussion in 2009/2010, and that more women don't think this through. I've kept my own name since I married at age 28 in 1989, and have never regretted it (yes, OK, the kids have my husband's name - he was a fulltime Dad with both so I figured he rated it!)
Wait till you have a girl and see the pink crap for sale in the Girly Aisle at Toys R Us. We have not come as far as you'd like to think. Decisions like this DO matter; don't take it casually and just do what "everyone else" is doing.
Why don't guys automatically take OUR name? Think long and hard about that. I told my husband-to-be that I didn't want to change my name, and he said, "Well, I don't want to change mine, either." So, we didn't.
Find a guy who's secure.
01.03.10
I have no problem changing my last name; and I'm not particularly a fan of the double last name either. Changing your last name shows your change in social status. Marriage is a significant lifestyle change and one I have no problem communicating to other people.
In regards to personal branding, I must admit I have a pretty unique first name. Couple that with my unique personal "package" (personal characteristics, interest, religion, etc.) it will still be pretty easy to recognize who I am. Keep your picture or a consistent image of your online presence. Many women have grown "beyond" their last names (i.e. Madonna, Beyonce, Oprah). Again it sort of helps to have a unique first name. I guess only you ultimately need to go with your gut.
01.03.10
@Rishona - I would say it helps immensely to have a unique first name, or to be willing to change your first name to something that is unique. If I went for first-name only branding, I'd be Jess. Or Jessica. With all the other people out there who share my name, that would be pretty hard to pull off.
I agree with you that marriage is certainly a significant life change. But if we feel the need to communicate it to people through names (which I haven't found to be necessary or confusing for anyone with my own marriage), why wouldn't they take our last names? Historically speaking, the answer to that question isn't particularly kind to women.
And an interesting fact: in California, the default on birth certificates is that a child take the mother's last name, even if born to a married couple.
@Sheila - Yes! Definitely find a guy who's secure. Do you ever find yourself wishing your kids had your name? Just curious, as I picture that being a potential argument in my future.
01.03.10
Wow, great comments and stories. It's fascinating to me to read all of these thoughts from intelligent women. I hope we find some brave men to comment soon too...
@Emily - Man, 13 weddings! You deserve an award. I know what you mean about the Web site. Hey, if you like your maiden name, why not keep it? Unlike you, I'm not a huge fan of my maiden name (I mean, no one can even pronounce it), but, you know, I've already used my name publish gazillions of articles, my Web site, my gmail, etc., etc.
I guess we'll cross that road when we come to it.
@Danielle - I agree; it's great that we can hash out whatever works for us. I like the concept of adding another name to yours. I hadn't looked at it that way.
@Leanne - Thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to hear that it can work to just keep your name and the brand you've built up. I wonder if I can preserve my brand and also change my name.
@Jess - Good point about boys caring/not caring. My perspective is that it should really be our decision whether to keep our maiden name, though I'd certainly want my future husband's input. I don't know if I'd want to be with someone who insisted I take his name.
Also, interesting tidbit about California. I had never heard that. It makes sense; not every country is patrilineal like ours. In some countries, the family tree passes down through the woman.
@Mehnaz - Your reasoning makes sense to me (though I wish I felt the same way and liked my maiden name). I don't think I realized how many guys still would be offended if a girl didn't want to take his name. That seems so old-fashioned to me! Of course I don't see anything wrong with taking your husband's name, but it's surprising to me that men care so much. I suppose I live in a bubble of equality sometimes.
@Sheila - I so agree that we have far to go. I wrote this post obviously aware of the fact that this was still a big debate in 2009/2010, however, I'm surprised to hear many men aren't comfortable with women keeping their names. I agree that finding a secure man is key! Thanks for bringing up the children topic; that was a whole aspect of the debate I hadn't mentioned.
@Rishona - Thanks for sharing that perspective. As I've said, I have no problem changing my name OR keeping it, but it still boggles me what to do:) You are lucky to have a cool first name.
01.03.10
@Jess - nope, no problem with our kids having his name, mostly because of his full-time Dad work. He rated it. :) We did consider hyphenating but it was too long.
Anyone who is into genealogy will tell you, however, that this TOTALLY screws up their records-keeping. Figure out some way to make it clear who is who in your family tree, for future researchers.
01.03.10
@Leanne, I can empathize with the challenge of remembering whose name the hotel reservation is under. I'm officially using my maiden name but occasionally use my husband's when I figure he might get to the restaurant first, or I happen to be feeling a burst of tradition.
My husband and I got married almost 10 years ago, when I was pushing 30, and I decided to keep my name in part for professional reasons and in part because it felt strange to lose myself and start over.
Now I find myself occasionally frustrated when I want to find an old friend on Facebook and there's no trace of the way I knew her in college. Can we at least agree that if you take your husband's name you'll put the old one in parentheses for social networking? Don't disappear for those of us who knew you before the I Dos.
01.03.10
@Collen YES we can definitely agree. I can't keep track of people who use only their married names on Facebook! I wrote a column about that dilemma corresponding with this blog post (it includes tips for newlywed women who want to keep their digital brand strong): http://www.examiner.com/x-13525-Social-Media-Examiner~y2009m9d19-Should-...
01.05.10
Very interesting conversation. Just wanted to add another interesting option: I have a friend getting married later this year and both her and her fiance didn't want to lose their family names. Hyphenating inevitably results in the second name being chopped off because of length (even if legally it is the full name), so they decided to merge their two last names into a new family name. While I wouldn't personally do this, I think it's interesting that they are forging a new tradition for the new family they are creating.
I know it will be a challenge in the online world to change my name, but I do plan to take my future husband's family name when we get married. I like the tradition and want future members of our family to be able to trace their ancestry. When the time comes to change names, I'm sure it will be a headache to get new e-mail addresses and update all my contacts on the change, and yes, some of what I have created in terms of my online presence will be lost if not linked up with the content I create post-name change. But, call me a traditionalist, I like the idea of taking my husband's name.
01.05.10
@Amanda - That's cool that you know someone who blended their names. I have yet to meet someone who did that. I would say I love family genealogy too much to change a name, but it's an interesting option. Thanks for sharing!
I know what you mean about the headache. I am going to be so sad when I can't get my my new gmail address! But I think we can get through it.
11.10.10
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11.10.10
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12.06.10
This is a great question, considering that even actors in movies still don't change their maiden names in the digital age. But I guess that is just because they are already famous. I'm definitely going to change my maiden name, but it will move to be my new middle name so people can still search me :)
12.12.10
@Ellie - I read the article at http://www.examiner.com/social-media-in-national/roofing/should-you-change-your-facebook-name-when-you-get-married and everyone should DEFINITELY read/do #2 on that list. There is no better source to have the correct name with other than Google! Because people typically 'Google' your name anyway so you definitely want to have the version of your name that you want to be 'searchable' there - google.com/profiles
that is, if you want to be searchable!
12.12.10
I saved this article when it came out because I found it interesting- economists found that (on average) women who change their names earn less than those who don't. There are some study concerns cited, but still something to consider when on the fence. http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/14/women-work-and-a-name-change/
12.20.10
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12.26.10
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01.09.11
Hi Tracy -- That's fascinating! I hadn't seen that study, so thanks for sharing.
01.09.11
Thanks for the inspiration, all.
Thanks to you, I blogged about the NYT story and stirred up some great conversation among smart friends -- almost all of them women, interestingly.
http://newvinegrowing.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/does-changing-your-name-m...
01.18.11
Thanks for informative and helpful post,
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