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“We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that a part of us shall remain inconsolable and never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it is completely filled, it will nevertheless remain something changed forever.” -Sigmund Freud
The new year is approaching. At this time, me and many other people begin to reflect on this last year and what we want to change or set a resolution for in the upcoming new year.
For me, 2009 was extremely rewarding but I also experienced a lot of loss. Ask me in January 2009 if I would have been here (mentally, physically, emotionally, devoid of certain people, new people in my life and new home) at the end of 2009 and I would have laughed in your face. Life is filled with surprises.
We’ve all been there: I just want to forget this ever happened. This isn’t happening to me. How do I make this go away?
Sometimes that hole or void seeps into your soul and the pain is immense so you want to make it go away. Pushing away the problem doesn’t make it go away, yet, I think one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve received (and offered to others) is to feel what you’re feeling.
Recognize what you’re going through and without sounding esoteric there’s a sense of practicality in validating your emotions and feelings. I don’t suggest wallowing, but that piece of you is changed forever and it’s okay. The hurt and frustrated part of me wants to stomp my feet and do things that will distract me (not all a bad idea) but sometimes acknowledging who I am and what I’m actually feeling, feels good too.
I’m a realistic optimist. I won’t sugar coat it with a cheesy starry-eyed new years eve post because for some of the parts in life, I’m still finding a place for what I’ve lost. And that’s a position I’m okay being in.
Do you try to push it all away? Do you think our society encourages distractions and not facing our fears?
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Comments
01.01.10
I agree! Almost too much.
I'm generally a pragmatist, so I allot myself time to get over things. Deadlines are useless for this sort of thing. There are no "shoulds" as in "I should feel like this after a while". You just have to ride out the wave. Brilliant, as always, Grace!
01.03.10
Everyone tries to push certain feelings away. The vast majority of people actually push feelings away, ignore them, swallow them, fast-talk themselves out of them, nervously laugh at them, over and over again on a daily basis, until they become conscious zombies, or politically correct and socially savvy robots programmed with logical pseudo-emotional reactions to external events and other entities.
One answer to this global emotional epidemic, which is more concentrated in crowded places--like cities, as it is usually though that emotion-burying is the only socially appropriate thing to do in crowds, is to constantly contemplate, reflect, and "check in" with yourself, especially your emotions, what you [really] feel at any given time or on any day. Then, realize and understand that emotions are just what they are: emotions. We are entitled to every metaphysical ounce and vibration of them, even if they are negative and even if they are evil! Because at the end of the day, what really matters is what you DECIDE to do and what you DO, not what you feel. Feel what you may and however you feel, accept those feelings and yourself unconditionally, confirm the acceptance. Make peace, [then] think rationally what about to [do]. Key is realizing the difference between feelings on one side, and decision and actions on the other side. ANY feeling is fine, but only certain decisions & actions are fine.
This concept is explained in great detail in the excellent book, "Living Like You Mean It": http://bit.ly/8moRBc
01.03.10
I thought maybe someone will wonder, "So if I feel like I want to rob people at gunpoint, then that's 'fine'??" Obviously I'm not writing a thesis or self-improvement book here, but a short comment on a post, so I'm talking fairly generally and hoping for my comments to be taken with a dash of "common sense". In an example like that, the feeling is of course not fine from the perspective of being healthy or good, but it is fine in the sense that it does [not] make [you] yourself an evil or bad person. If you get a feeling like that, then accept the fact that you have the feeling without beating yourself up or blaming yourself about it; then, if a feeling is evil like that or has a lot of illwill, then immediately seek help in understanding why you'd get such a feeling. Seek help from specialists like psychologists or psychotherapists, or even seek help by seeking knowledge and embarking on a journey of self-discovery. In one word, feelings or emotions are "fine" in the sense that they never define you as a person, they do not equal who you are. What defines you as a person is what you [do], the actions that you take and the results of those actions: that's who you are.
01.04.10
@Mehnaz It's good to hear you understand how you react to your emotions - knowing yourself can often be half the battle. Thank you for sharing, glad you enjoyed and related :)
@Adam I really like that you say it's what you decide to DO and what you DO about those emotions/feelings. Thank you for sending the link to that book, I am going to check it out. Also, thanks for the clarification about your post and thoughts. I understood you clearly in your first comment, but honesty and being forthright never hurts. Thank you again!
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