You know those signs with the sliding letters? The ones that go outside little stores, where they advertise their weekly specials and stuff? Ugly, but pretty effective.

They used to only be letters and numbers, maybe the occasional hyphen for phone numbers and stuff. But now? No way. Sliding letter signs have kept up with the times. They have exclamation marks and stars and lots of metaphorical bells and whistles.

As I am a marketing professional, one of my favourite recreational pursuits is making fun of other people’s marketing.

(There are some in my household who would argue that this is not entirely recreational, and is more likely the catalyst of my own untimely death from stress at OH MY FUCKING GOD THE STUPIDITY OF IT ALL. My rebuttal to those people is that recreational pursuits are not worth pursuing if they don’t run at least a marginal risk of heart failure. I mean, seriously. Where’s the fun?)

Anyway, one of my favourite things to make fun of is the little symbols that say “WOW!” (They also have ones that say “ONLY”, but those ones are exempt from my censure because “only” is a recognizable part of speech.) If you have to tell me it’s “WOW!”, it’s not wow.

Sure enough, though, I’m on my way into Tim Horton’s today, and there’s a nutritional supplement store with one of these signs, and they’re advertising God knows what that starts with “gluco” and ends with personal bankruptcy. And the sign says:

ONLY $126! WOW!

And today, I do not think it’s stupid. I think, “Hmm. Is that a good price for glucosasomething? I guess it must be or they wouldn’t be advertising it.”

Logical? No. Effective? YES.

Why It Pays To Be Lame In Your Marketing

My generation would rather die than be considered uncool. I came of age somewhere between Reality Bites and Mean Girls. Right around Clueless. When I had hair, I would’ve rather frozen to death than have it messed up by a toque. (Although, through conversations with other members of my esteemed gender, I’ve come to the conclusion that this particular suicidal peccadillo is not limited to those born between 1975 and 1990.)

It’s the same with marketing. Looking like you care whether somebody buys your shit or not is uncool. Looking like you care about anything is uncool. (Even, paradoxically, your hair.)

We look at the guys sending out the big, flashy Boxing Day flyers and we cringe. Oh, how LAME. We look at the “WOW!” and roll our eyes. You know the gold dude on the commercial, trying to get you to sell him your old jewellery? PUH-LEASE. Ick.

But that’s what gets asses in the seats. And we want asses in the seats.

I’m having a sale right now. It’s a good one. One of the biggest reasons certain people don’t buy from IttyBiz is because they don’t have a business yet. They figure they’ll buy something when they really need it. So I finally went and made a product for people who don’t have businesses yet. (Why it took me so long to do this is a mystery only known by God.) Then I put it on sale, so that those people would have added incentive to try us out.

And I don’t want to send the email. I have the email. I have the lovingly prepared spreadsheet with email addresses. I have the sales page. But I’m not pulling the trigger. Why?

Because I don’t want to be lame.

I don’t want to make a big fuss.

I don’t want to look desperate.

I don’t want to look like another dumb info product salesperson, hawking their wares on Boxing Day.

Understandable feelings, right?

But let’s say I get over myself and make a little fuss. Let’s say 500 people buy this thing. Wouldn’t be unreasonable, given the numbers we’re talking about. $147 on for $47 is a pretty good deal. What’s that make me?

$23,500.

I’m going to leave twenty-three grand on the table because it might make me look uncool???

What Your Feelings Have To Do With Your Marketing

Fuck all.

Your MORALS have to do with your marketing.

Your CAPACITY has to do with your marketing.

Your ABILITY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT has to do with your marketing.

But your feelings? They’re just getting in the way, dude.

Now go buy Summer Camp Winter Camp. It’s a hundred dollars off. WOW!