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OkCupid recently started a blog where they took all the data it’s collected as an online dating site and analyzed it. I was particularly interested in their most recent post on race. They took a look at whether a person’s race played a factor in getting a message back from someone they wrote to.
Their conclusion: yes it does- by a lot.
Here’s a graph from that post that shows reply rates between different races:
As you can see being an Asian male isn’t as great as being an White male.
Another chart from the post shows results of a poll question on the site:
As you can see White people, and White women, mostly prefer to date within their race.
A very interesting post, one that makes me very disappointed.
I’ve occasionally joked about my preference for White women over Asian women, much to the surprise of some less-than-open-minded friends, and I’ve hinted at it on this blog. I don’t think my taste is earth shattering, in fact it’s apparently something Asian guys like. My reasoning for this was explained quite clearly in their post:
On the contrary, white girls are many times the secret fantasy of any Twinkie. No, this is not a partially-hydrogenated pastry, but the Asian guy who has a bunch of white friends and does the things white guys do. There’s one problem: He’s stuck in an Asian body. Twinkies can be compared to a single kitten growing up in the midst of puppies. Twinkies feel like they are puppies because they are enculturated and they like what other puppies like, including the female dogs. Due to this immersion, Asians end up adopting white beauty standards. (but the same isn’t reciprocated by white girls.)
They are YouTube videos about it and apparently how-to manuals for it. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about this.
Honestly I think it sucks.
I will be the first to admit that I am a full fledged Twinkie. I do feel like that kitten that grew up in a world full of puppies. I like what White guys like: White girls.
What sucks is that White girls don’t like Asian guys.
I know I’m a smart, funny, outgoing, and caring individual; its just that sometimes I feel that I am trapped in this body, this shell that I actually like (I don’t think I’m that bad looking) but it’s a shell that’s not on the top of the list of the women I go after.
Sometimes I joke that I want to be white.
What I don’t tell you is that I want to be white so white girls would actually like me.
In today’s world we are changing the way we think about race in the workplace and life- but I can’t help but think there’s still a lot of hardwired racism I have to fight when it comes to physical attraction. I could have the best personality in the world but I doubt that’s going to make that brunette across the way like me any more if she’s into white guys.
Because I’m not a white guy, but sometimes I want to be.
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Comments
10.14.09
You feel victimized by race stereotyping or judgment, yet you assume the brunette across the room is not into you because some dating site says she isn't. okay..
10.14.09
You are right, and yep, it sucks. You are going to roll your eyes at this remark, but you really need to find the right girl. Someone who can see you for who you are. You can't ignore the race issue, should she? The question in a relationship is 'what does it mean?' We are not color-blind to race, but the cultural and personal baggage that we carry about it is very relevant to how we view other people. You need to find someone who can put 'asian guy'in the list of things about you in the same way that the list of labels includes (for instance) raised in California, middle child of three, practices meditation, hates chinese food, etc. Alas, the looks issue somewhat masks the real attraction of getting to know someone, so maybe you get the brushoff from the white skinned brunette, and never get the chance to know each other. Okay, then find another brunette. When life intrudes later, perhaps stealing your looks, your health, or your circumstances you will find that the attraction is a more energetic and spiritual level.
10.14.09
Jonathan,
Do I feel victimized? I do, a little bit. However I refuse to use it as an excuse to talk to a girl across the room that I want to talk to, that gets you nowhere.
But will this be my excuse, my scapegoat when I get brushed off again and again? It's really hard to fight it- because while it is easy to accept it, in reality it's something I really don't want to accept.
I can't change the way the entire world thinks but then again I can't change the way I came into this world.
I am still proud of who I am as a person and if that means I have to face more challenges than the white guy next to me to get what I want, then so be it. Because in the end I refuse to settle for anything short of what I truly want.
-Patrick
10.14.09
Thanks for reading Karen- it does mean I have to work harder to find that right person. I think it's easy for us to look at ourselves and make excuses for why we can't get what we want, and as I think of it now- everybody can make an excuse like that.
10.14.09
This is such an interesting post, Patrick. I really enjoyed reading it. Here's what I've noticed though, and I think it's very strange - Asian guys seem to have it more difficult than Asian girls. As a female Twinkie myself, I honestly don't find it too hard to land a date with a genuinely interested White dude. But with my brother, or my other Asian guy friends, they go through the exact same thing you just blogged about. I find this both fascinating and depressing, in a way. I'm not a full-fledged Twinkie because I don't prefer just the white guys - I love my Asian men too!
Then again, perhaps the discrepancy really isn't all that strange? Maybe women - and not just White women - tend to have more detailed standards that they end up treading the prejudice road more than men do? Or maybe, like what my White guy friends would always joke about, most White dudes have that Asian chick fantasy or whatever? Haha! I don't know. But this is such a fascinating topic to mull over. Really enjoyed this one. Thanks Patrick :)
10.14.09
Thanks Karla- I'm not going to comment too much on what I think of a female's standards of men because I'd like to have a date sometime in my life.
I don't think who you are into determines how Twinkie you are- I consider myself a twinkie because I identify myself a lot with white culture.
10.14.09
could it stem from old traditions? a lot of cultures still prefer that their children date within the community. So dating someone outside of it would be a kind of "up yours".
I don't know really...
10.14.09
I stumbled on this post accidentally, but I'm glad I did! I appreciate your honesty, Patrick, and I hope openly addressing issues like these will give us an opportunity to honestly assess our thoughts and actions as a culture.
10.14.09
If you look at the number of samples taken for the second survey there are far more samples for white female and male versus any other group. If the number of samples for each group isn't standardized how can the data be conclusive?
10.14.09
I was really drawn in by the statistic that white women are least likely to date people of other races and as a white girl I have a slight inkling of why that might be. I have to admit I haven't dated much, so the sample is rather small, but in more than one case when I decided that the guy in question wasn't the guy for me I'd immediately be called racist for not liking him. I thought racist would have been not agreeing to go out with him in the first place, but what do I know. Funnily enough, even though I really liked more than one Asian guy this is probably the only racial group that hasn't asked me out, ever.
Another point I would like to add is that you will get best results in life if you have very few preconcived notions about what you are looking for. If you stop looking for "white brunette" you might just find the love of your life, whichever race she might be. My husband, a white guy, had a thing for Asian and Hispanic girls and never dated a white girl before me. He decided to make an exception in my case. We hit it off immediately and have been happily married for years.
So maybe the best way to find someone is try not to put any limitations on it. Amazing things might come out of it.
10.14.09
This concept of "Twinkie" is very interesting to me. It makes me wonder what that makes me, seeing as I'm pretty much a world citizen, find women across all ethnicities to be attractive and REALLY love hip-hop. I think I'll leave that one alone for now... brave post Patrick. Interested in seeing where this discussion goes.
10.14.09
I found this post very entertaining. And as JR said 'brave'. You have a new fan in me Patrick.
My only suggestion to you is perhaps not be so focused on the 'type' of girl you like with respect to race/ethnicity. There is a lot to be said about dating different types of people. As I learned from dating men of different races: An idiot is still an idiot no matter what his race is. AND nobody is perfect.
Bummer I ended up dating many men before I met and fell head over heels for my now husband who is not at all what I used to consider 'my type'. But maybe thats what I liked so much about him. He was different.
Susie
10.14.09
Can't speak for you, but I had far more issues when I was dating, due to my "nerd" image and Asperger Syndrome than I ever did because of my Asian heritage.
10.14.09
Aren't black females also at the bottom of the interracial (I hate that word) dating totem?
10.14.09
Thanks guys for taking the time to read and comment!
Mehnaz: I definitely think our parents do play a role, as generations shift I think we'll see more progressive views, but right now we have a clash of old traditions vs. the new.
Jessica: Despite what some may think, I'm actually not that great at math- but you bring a good point. We can only take this data so far since it's far from scientific.
Morana: It's an interesting question if this notion can be reversed- I'm not sure if attractions between races active racism and if these views can be changed. I wonder what everybody else thinks about that.
JR: Me too, I honestly didn't think it was going to attract this much attention!
Susie: Thanks, and you are right- maybe I should be more open with what I like and what I don't like- everybody should.
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