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Here’s my honest belief about men: we avoid our feelings – both positive feelings (celebration, joy, happiness) and negative feelings (sadness, despair, rejection, unhappiness.) Why is this? I think men avoid really feeling because it scares us to stop and just ‘be’ for a few minutes instead of ‘do.’ We want to move quickly onto the next action, self-medicate, or simply dismiss feelings as something for women or ’sissies.’
How do I know this? Because I do it… a lot. A few examples:
- I quit my job a couple of months ago to be a full-time Life Coach working mainly with men that hate their jobs or can’t find a good woman. Since then, I have been successful in that I now am working with 23 men. However, do I feel successful or take time to celebrate what I have accomplished? No, sir. Deep down, I feel the pressure to work harder in an effort to find even more clients.
- My wife says, ‘You are not spending enough time with me.’ Instead of trying to think about what it must feel like for her to be in 2nd place, I dismiss this (’I need to build my business.’) or try to fix it (’Could I schedule you in from 9-9:30 every night and then get back to work?’)
I have a lot of other examples in my own life: accomplishments or acheivements that I should have really taken the time to cherish and celebrate… or negative feelings that I avoid or let bounce off me like I am made out of Teflon so that I can avoid feeling them.
Funny Story: I told myself I would buy myself a road bike when I found 10 new Coaching clients in September as a celebratory reward. Did I do it? Nope. Maybe it’s that I didn’t feel getting 10 clients was a big enough deal. Or maybe it was that I still don’t feel worthy of buying myself a ‘luxury item’ like this. Or maybe it’s that I just didn’t take the time. I really don’t know. But I do know that I didn’t stop to celebrate or buy a bike and it right now that bothers me.
However, I am working on it - this week, I plan to go bike shopping. And, most importantly, I am spending more time with my wife – because I want to.
Final thought: What did you do last Sunday? Chances are you might have watched football. Next Sunday, do me a favour – let me know if you see any examples of men on the field that either passionately celebrate or look (really) unhappy at some points during the game. Then ask, why does my life not include this same kind of emotion?
Dear Men: I Struggle. And I know you do, too.
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Comments
10.13.09
It's rare you find someone blogging about themselves in such a personal, self-reflected way, instead of bashing, interpreting or analyzing others. The first step is admitting you have a problem...sounds like you're on the path to emotional success!
B
10.13.09
Admittedly, I do avoid the "touchy-feely" things - for a reason. I don't view feelings as a "sissy" thing at all, I've just found that lots of time can, and is, wasted on feelings for the sake of experiencing feelings. In my own experiences, I have found it more productive to accept that feelings and emotions exist; everyone will have a different reaction to any one thing(s). Accept and move on; I know I'm a minority thinker here, but that's my life.
10.14.09
BMF - thanks so much!
KD - I think being 'productive' about feelings is the problem. It's not really possible. I am not advocating dwelling or staying stuck. Just spending some time 'Being With' a feeling as opposed to avoidance or self-medicating. At any rate, thanks for contributing.
10.14.09
Andrew - just a thought - you could celebrate by buying two road bikes (one for you and one for your wife) and then spend more time with your wife while biking. :)
10.14.09
Mark - awesome idea, brother!
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