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I am unhappy because I am not meeting society’s expectations for me.
I work part time as an intern and am not wholeheartedly pursuing a full time job.
I majored in computer information systems in college, but am not interested in being a developer or programmer.
I spend my free time playing video games by myself or with my girlfriend. Or reading about gaming or football.
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By society’s definitions I am a failure. I’m a bum who’s leeching off my parents and girlfriend.
I am defined by my lack of a well paying, steady “job”, and my time wasting pastimes.
All of which detracts from the fact that I’m actually happy like this. If it were not for these feelings of failure, I would be enjoying myself quite contentedly.
I have loving parents, a wonderful girlfriend. I have enough food to eat, clothes on my back, a roof over my head. I have enough disposable income on my own to waste on gaming, but not enough to quite pay the rent. But we have enough savings to make due for a few months.
I have enough time to enjoy the many games I spend money on.
And yet because I fail to meet society’s expectations I am deemed a failure.
As much as I would like to avoid it and deny it; it does weigh on me. That I am not meeting these expectations.
I should be content with who I am and not who society wants me to be.
But the beliefs of society are insidious. They permeate the subtle inflections in others’ voices when I talk about where I am in life. Every exaggerated pause or raised eyebrow contains the disappointment of a society whose approval I should not care for.
It includes my parents, my girlfriend, my friends, and my coworkers. Even the bloggers I follow, maintain that I am failing them.
It is very subtle. But the fact that I choose to use my free time unproductively seems to go against one of the blogosphere’s own values. It is not direct, but hidden, beneath every post of eliminating distractions and increasing productivity.
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So where does this leave me?
As of right now, still in square one. Vaguely depressed without any real reason that I should be.
What am I going to do about it?
For now, I’m just going to keep working on this blog, skimming job postings and entertaining fleeting notions of writing an ebook.
All the while I will not change my lifestyle. I will try to enjoy the luxuries that I am afforded and remember that this is who I am.
A gamer. Not quite ready to change to meet the expectations society has put on me.
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Comments
09.28.09
It's one thing to identify what makes you happy, and try to frame your life to maximize that. It's another to take advantage of the generosity of others while you do so. It sounds like you're not able to support this lifestyle on your own, and based on your statement that the disapproval of society includes your parents and girlfriend, it sounds as if they're not enthusiastic about providing that support indefinitely.
What are some ways that you could make yourself more self-sufficient? Will blogging and a theoretical e-book accomplish that?
09.28.09
"It's another to take advantage of the generosity of others while you do so."
Agreed.
Maybe you need some extra time to figure things out for yourself. That's fine. Just always keep in mind the generosity of your friends and family, and repay the favor when you're able to. You can repay that now...do extra housework, do something nice for your girlfriend, etc. Maybe you already do.
In other societies adult children live with their parents until they get married, whenever that might be. They contribute to their family/household. They aren't leeches just because they aren't paying rent, etc.
Don't get down because you're not living up to "expectations". Set your own expectations.
09.28.09
It sounds a little like you are viewing yourself as a failure as well (I should be content with who I am and not who society wants me to be.) which would lead me to believe that maybe you have a potential you'd like to "live up" to but haven't quite gotten there yet.
Truly, if you can lay your head on your pillow every night knowing you poured yourself into the day and did everything to the best of your abilities, then screw society's expectations. Cause late at night when you are falling asleep the only expectation you have to contend with is the little voice inside your head.
09.30.09
I just wanted to say thank you to all the wonderful comments!
I feel like it's a mixed bag. I do have a job now that does give me some income, but not enough to sustain my lifestyle. And yes, I do feel guilty that I am not supporting myself and my girlfriend 100% entirely.
On the other hand, when I try to apply for these steady, full-time "jobs" I feel as if I'm not even getting a shot, since I'm competing with so many other qualified applicants. I know that if given the right opportunity, I would work my butt off to validate myself being hired, but thus far I can't even get my foot in the door.
It's depressing even more so. And that's a bit of my reasoning why I stay in my little shell, trying to keep my spirits up, but be semi-productive in my job search as well.
10.04.09
I just had to re-read this post and the author's blog for the past few months to get some context and make sure that what I was reading wasn't sarcasm or something similar just to drive blog traffic.
I'll withhold any substanstive critique or comment until I know that the author has gotten a full medical checkup. What he's written here has reminded me of what Mike Wallace talked about when he describes his descent into clinical depression.
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