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One of my daily musts is reading girlsguideto.com. I’m absolutely in love with GG2 and interact with the community frequently. If you aren’t familiar, the site is for women only and is a safe space to get and give advice on any topic. Questions can be posted anonymously and other readers are open to comment back.
Reading some of the relationship questions makes me a little sad though; mostly because (in some cases) I feel that I’ve “been there, done that.” It also amazes me what CRAP! some girls will believe and put up with from guys. I sigh, and then feel bad that the girl will have to learn the hard way that her guy’s “just not that into her” or is cheating on her.
And I’m no innocent party here, but what I wish that these girls realized is that having some unfortunate dating stories is often a huge blessing in disguise.
WHY?! Because you learn what you don’t want, what you do want, and what you are unwilling to put up with.
I’m so thankful for my boyfriend Nathaniel. Perhaps it is because we made 2 rules right from the get go and adhere to them regularly to this day:
1. We’ve promised to always be honest with one another- even if it’s shitty news that the other person doesn’t want to hear, a mistake someone made or that feelings have changed.
2. We have a “No Secrets Policy” which means when something is up, it must be disclosed immediately.
Being honest eliminates fear. It eliminates the fear of rejection, breakups, cheating, etc. Because we’ve always put everything out there and had no secrets, it eliminates the trust battle which is usually the beginning to the demise of most relationships. It also gets the little things taken care of and out of the way immediately.
But I noticed something even bigger that was lacking in some of the dysfunctional relationship questions I often read and hear about. It seems that so many relationships are not built on RESPECT. My definition of respect includes admiring your partner for his or her personality, dreams, career, family, mind and the way s/he treats others. It means loving them wholly, not talking bad about them and wanting the best for them always.
All too often relationships are based on looks, convenience, filling a void, loneliness or maybe even religious/cultural similarities rather than on plain and simple RESPECT.
If you’ve ever seen the movie, “He’s Just Not That into You” or had a girl’s night out, you know that women like to complicate everything when it comes to men and relationships. But the truth is that guys are really simple: if you’re asking too many questions about his intentions/actions because you doubt them, then you are probably right. No need to make excuses or have to “work at it.”
I used to believe that great long-term relationships require “a lot of hard work.” Now that I’m in the best one of my life, I realize that school of thought is a total myth: a great relationship requires no “work” or dramatic questions at all.
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Comments
09.25.09
great post. I agree with the whole "respect first" thing... Bryan Tracy says that the most important thing is that you LIKE your partner, you can fall in and out of love pretty easy, but if you genuinely like the person you're with, the relationship will last.
I think people (girls and guys) will hear what they want to... a lot of time this means believing BS because it is emotionally convenient. If a guy doesn't seem that into you, I think trying harder is actually COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. I've had average girls I've fallen for harder for than exceptional ones simply because they were more of a challenge. I know it seems shallow, and maybe it is, but I think that's just how people are wired up. It is what it is. Roll with it.
09.25.09
great thoughts, Nicole.
I think the title is really apt. One of the women that I know who has a wonderful relationship that survives and even thrives through some really challenging situations has told me, her relationship works because it's no drama. I think it's wonderful that you have respect and communication right. they are the cornerstones, along with trust, in a great relationship.
I agree with Max's point that people hear what they want to. and often times women will hope that they're right in some of the things that they put up with. We've all been there. The key is to respect yourself enough to walk away. Even if it's difficult.
thanks for the great post :)
09.25.09
As a "guy" and also from the experience of seeing many failed relationships, I think I decided a ways back to learn from others, both the +/- so I wouldn't be hurt as much as they were.
You hit it; honesty is always best and if either side is uncomfortable with the existing situation: SAY SOMETHING! Bring it out in the open so there can be no misinterpretations. I can't guarantee perfection, but honesty will guarantee peace of mind.
Next year will mark the 20th wedding anniversary for my wife and I; honesty has always been forefront - it doesn't make everything cutesie-wootsie, but at the closing bell we know where we stand and respect the other's stance as well.
09.27.09
Good post! My husband and I had no drama when we dated, and in the beginning I thought that it meant there was something wrong with us. It took me awhile to realize that I deserved a drama-less relationship, and it has gotten us through a lot of life drama (job losses, deaths in the family, etc) as a team.
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