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My husband and I are…different.
He is rational, while I am emotional. He is cautious and conservative, while I preach the necessity of taking risks in order to move forward. He worries about immediate income — ensuring that we don’t go homeless or hungry — while I give him an ulcer by concerning myself with the future.
Last night, our differences sparked a major argument.
The month before, I (very reluctantly) agreed to a temporary on-site proofreading gig at my husband’s office. I neglected to negotiate a decent rate, leaving me earning less money than I would have liked. I spent hours at the office staring in to space, thinking of all the work I could be doing at home. And I worked 14-hour days in order to handle my other freelance responsibilities. I no longer had time for fitness, fun, or home cooked food, and I quickly succumbed to health problems for the first time in awhile.
When my time with the company ended, I was thrilled. I had time to attend exercise classes again, and to cook healthy meals. I had more time to devote to the articles and essays I had been cramming into the early morning hours. I had time to start pitching and submitting again, in an attempt to secure future assignments. I had time to continue working on my eBook. And, most importantly, I had time to start the career coaching certification program that I had been putting off. It was my hope that, if I completed the program within six months, I could then start earning more (and more regular) income by next year. It was a long-term plan and — in much the same that payment for magazine and newspaper pieces is delayed until after publication — it wouldn’t bring immediate results. But I thought that the wait was worth it.
Yesterday, my husband mentioned that his boss might be calling me again soon, and my stomach dropped. He insisted that I accept the work. I insisted that, if I did, I couldn’t move forward with my career plans.
Who’s right? Perhaps we both are. But if that’s true, how can we find a middle ground?
Do any of you have examples of a time when you put off immediate financial gratification for future gain? How did you make it through the lean times? I have faith in my eventual success but, at the same time, I want to pull my weight.
::sigh::
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Comments
09.24.09
In order to attend grad school full-time I have reduced my work load to part-time at my current job which is 2 hours from the university I go to. I split my time between a room I rent by work and my parents house closer to the university. I didn't make much money to beginning with so cutting it in half is frustrating. I'm a web developer and know I could probably get a higher paying job closer to where I'm attending grad school, but my employer (another college in the same university system) covers my tuition with no obligation for me to stay after I graduate and I actually like where I work. Plus, I have a lot more responsibilities and influence at my current job than I would probably have with a job at a larger company or organization. For now I'm choosing the learning and experience opportunity over money, but I can certainly understand that it is more difficult to make such a decision when it directly impacts someone else as well.
09.24.09
Are you on the verge of going homeless and hungry? If not, I'm having trouble coming up with why your husband thinks that he gets to "insist" that you take a particular job/assignment.
It sounds like in a lot of ways the two of you might be able to complement each other's strengths. But it also doesn't sound like that's happening. How do the two of you talk about money? Would bringing in a third party (therapist/counselor) help those talks be more productive?
09.24.09
I think you need to calmly and rationally tell your husband what you just told us:
A) You hate working for his company
B) You have a plan that will result in future income
C) You would not be at home twiddling your thumbs (you have lots of stuff going on)
I think you can help him understand your point of view which will hopefully help him to be more supportive.
09.24.09
Nothing in marriage (or any partnership for that matter) is absolute. It's all negotiated.
Different people have different tolerances for risk and when two opposites (in terms of risk aversion) meet - sparks may fly. Perhaps he is over-reacting, perhaps you are under-reacting. There is no way to tell unless one looks at your finances, your savings, your inflow of money and your spending habits.
My personal view is that every couple should have 6 months worth of income banked just in case something happens. If he is the only steady job in the house and he gets laid off, what happens? Will you go homeless? If that is the case, perhaps you should swallow your pride and take the job even though you don't like it. It's extra income that can go into the bank for that preverbal rainy day.
My long term experience with education is that there is no direct correlation between education and income. If you have education your chances improve, but it's not a given. That being said I would say that you should continue your education if you can, but if money is needed be a part-time student - just don't miss sight of your goal! :-)
The last thing that comes to mind, is this: even if you are both optimists when it comes to income, if only one of you has a steady job (and you are not both independently wealthy), the chances are high that the person working has an atlas complex - i.e. feeling like it's all up to him (or her!) to support the family and if they fail they are letting others down. This may be a subconscious thing, so the person may not know they are feeling this way - but they definitely feel the stress of this weight of the world on their shoulders.
The best thing to do is have a serious conversation about finances - not in the abstract though. Roll out that spreadsheet and do some calculations - what would happen if you didn't take the job? what would happen if you would? What's the worse case scenario? What's the best case?
09.29.09
You guys are awesome with the advice.
Kate - We actually recently started seeing a couples counselor, and this topic was The Main Event just last week. Our therapist observed that we both seemed to be very opinionated when it came to the right way to run a business, and that perhaps we shouldn't offer advice unless it was asked of us. ;)
Monica - I told my husband ALL of this, but I know what he's feeling. I know how much stress he's under, and I understand how difficult it is for him to allow me to take what he sees as huge risk. ::sigh::
Dr. Pepper (love the name, btw) - You are right on target with the Atlas Complex, and it's sometimes difficult for me to remember just how terrified he is. I'm trying, I swear! :)
Erin - Lord it's tough making decisions for US instead of ME.
Luckily, the boss lady hasn't called up yet, so I haven't had to make any decisions. Perhaps if I negotiated a higher rate, my tempt spent at that office would seem more worth it.
09.30.09
@Steph. Sounds like a difficult situation. I'm fortunate enough to have a wife that understands when a job is sucking the soul out of me versus a job sometimes just sucking. It's difficult to relate to if you've never been through it - maybe that's why your husband sees it differently?
But really, to comment on the last thing you said in your follow-up, don't take a job because the money is a little better. If you didn't like the job to begin with, more money isn't going to help much. It tides you over until the next big issue and then you'll sit there questioning why you went back.
10.06.09
Hey there Smith - Thanks for commenting. It's nice to hear from someone who's been in the same situation. As far as going back for a higher rate goes, I think I just wonder at what point I can be considered desperate enough to take a bad gig just to pay the bills. At this point, I feel that my husband is the only one making the big sacrifices. At the same time, I don't want to take a step backward I *always* worry about that.
12.18.09
I think that your first time taking the job was your compromise - your not taking it the second time around is his!
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