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I’ll say it up front: this post won’t pertain to everyone. Here’s how to know if I’m talking to you. Imagine the first words out of your mouth in the following situations:
*Someone squeezes next to you in a cramped aisle
*You ate the last slice of pizza
*Someone commented on your clothing
*Your boss made a neutral statement about an upcoming deadline
*A significant other or family member jokingly commented about dinner not being ready
If the first words out of your mouth in one or more of these situations were “I’m sorry,” I’m talking to you. You, my friend, are an overapologizer.
What’s an Overapologizer?
An overapologizer abuses the word “sorry” until it has no meaning. While you may be trying to be accommodating, friendly, or unassuming, there’s a good chance it’s not working. You’re more likely to come off as scared, ineffectual, or a brown noser. (I know. Ouch.) Unless it’s offered sincerely when an apology is truly required, “I’m sorry” is just another excuse.
You apologize anytime you’ve simply taken up space or time, regardless of whether you should feel sorry or not. An unnecessary apology is like waving a giant red flag or shouting, “I totally don’t feel I deserve to speak out or take up space.” Not cool. Doesn’t do anything good for you. Stop it now.
Think Three Times Before Apologizing When…
1. Feedback is being offered by a boss or supervisor. An apology probably doesn’t help anyone in this situation, so instead focus on listening to the feedback and incorporating it into your work. If you’re not being approached for a mistake, there’s most likely no need to apologize. Show your interest and talent by focusing on action, not apology. Excess apologies are just annoying in the workplace, and they can undermine how you’re perceived. If you’re talented, you don’t need to apologize for that. If you’re struggling, apologies don’t help either.
2. The issue is one of personal choice. You don’t need to apologize for not wanting pineapple on your pizza. Or wearing pink. Or sitting in the comfy chair. If you’re making a choice that negatively impacts others, reconsider your actions. Make your choice and live with it, but don’t try to have it both ways by apologizing when you can’t be sincere.
3. There would be a “but.” “I’m sorry, but” is in no way a sincere apology. You may as well say, “I think you’re wrong, but I’m willing to placate you to get this over with.” That’s not an apology, that’s an insult. If it’s not sincere, you’re most likely better off sticking to your guns and disagreeing as respectfully as you can.
If You Really Do Need to Say You’re Sorry…
I’m not saying that apologizing is bad—just careless apologies that mean nothing. In my opinion, there are absolutely times when apologizing is necessary and totally beneficial. Namely:
*When your own carelessness, negligence, or thoughtlessness causes harm to another person that you sincerely regret.
If that’s the case, then apologize, but (of course!) keep it simple. Speak directly to the injured party or parties and tell them why you’re sorry. If there are amends to be made, make them.
What advice do you have? Are there times when even an unnecessary apology can have benefits? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
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Comments
09.22.09
Sometimes I find that an over-apologize can be alleviated of their symptoms by simply being called out on their repeated apologies. Then usually the conversations go pretty well after that. Sometimes people are just a little uncomfortable and don't know what else to say. You could take this as an opportunity to help them out and adjust to whatever their dealing with.
09.22.09
I think that anytime you need to add anything more to your apology than "I'm sorry" you probably need to re-evaluate how sincere you are in your apology!
09.23.09
I have found myself falling into this trap at times. I wouldn't categorically say that people who frequently say "I'm sorry" are insincere. It's more that they are probably far too concerned about keeping peace, often at their own expense. I would say most over apologizers are a little insecure, not insincere.
09.24.09
I also want to point out that apologizing also has to do with culture. While I agree, that in American culture over apologizing can be insincere, and a sign that someone is not secure in their own skin, in other countries its a sign of education and class. In my country, over apologizing is a way of being polite and respectful to another. And I would say that it would appear to another culture as "over-doing it'. But in my culture (Colombia) giving an explanation and apologizing many times over for a simple situation is the "correct" thing to do. It shows reflection and that you care about another person. But I agree that this only happens in personal situations, not in the work force. Like all work places around the world, a simple " You are right, or my apologies" and then fixing the problem, does the trick.
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