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Stress causes irrationality, frustration and sometimes, our demons get the best of us. Remember that bully on the playground at recess who would ruin the rest of your afternoon because they called you a mean name, stuck their tongue out or stole your lunch. Transfer that bully 15 years later to the office. Ouch.
The Workplace Bullying Institute (yes, it really exists) says that 37% of workers have been bullied. It further indicates that although it’s mostly men who are bullies, a good 40% of the bullies are women. The approach male bullies take is a “egalitarian, mowing down men and women pretty much in equal measure. The women appear to prefer their own kind, choosing other women as targets more than 70% of the time.”
An article in the New York Times reinforces the backlash this is causing, so is it naive to think women should be able to rely on each other and stick together? Women treating other women badly affects not only our morale, but how can women break through the glass ceiling if they’re avoiding verbal and emotional assaults from other women at work?
One suspect reason “is probably some idea that they can find a less confrontative person or someone less likely to respond to aggression with aggression,” said Gary Namie, research director for the Workplace Bullying Institute, which ordered the study in 2007. Another finding showed that women may sabotage one another because they feel that helping their female co-workers could jeopardize their own careers.
Let me interject by saying women have strived for equality for five decades. Women make up 50% of management, professional and related occupations according to Catalyst, a nonprofit research group. Nonetheless, Catalyst’s census last year found only 15.7% of Fortune 500 officers and 15.2% of directors were women. Hard to argue with the facts.
Research on gender stereotyping from Catalyst suggests that no matter how women choose to lead, they are perceived as “never just right.” In addition, women must work twice as hard as men to achieve the same level of recognition and prove they can lead.
As women we feel we have to be aggressive to be promoted. Then once they are promoted the need to be a nurturer, collaborative and in touch with our emotions step in. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women constantly struggle with a gender balance in the workplace, which is where some of the confusion and need to bully might arise.
In order to get ahead women do not need to bully their co-workers by withholding information such as promotions.
I firmly believe there is no need for bullying. There are many women who didn’t need to step all over people to get to the top. They weren’t passive, but they weren’t bullying asses. I encourage women to work for a common cause. Stop trying to be something you’re not and remember to be true to yourself while exercising both masculine and feminine qualities as you find a balance. A company that really respects their employees won’t care about the gender differences and will hire the right person for the position, regardless of gender.
Have you ever been bullied at work? If so, how did it affect your work?
Debra Tannen has done a lot of research on gender differences in communications styles and I think it would apply here. With men, one guy usually establishes himself as the alpha, and the rest will eventually accept that and fall in line. With women, when someone tries to become the alpha, the rest of the group pulls her back into line.
I can see that being the reason that women bully each other rather. It's the adult version of the girls on the playground saying, "Oh she thinks she's cute."
That being said, my biggest alleys in the workplace have been women - and it's been women, for the most part, who have given me the best opportunities.
In a position I held prior, a catty manager was always calling me to her office for "dress code violations" when I was very covered up (I started wearing turtle necks and pants in Florida's summer heat). Otherwise, I've never been bullied by other women in the work place.
Now I share my office with two men, and I work with mostly men, I do experience sexism from the president of the company, who is rather openly sexist (asking if my favorite color is "pink" or if my favorite super heroes are the "Powerpuff girls"- NO. "Black" and "Batman" respectively.) But other than what I can't escape simply for being a woman- my love of comic books, technology, computers, cameras, and just working closely with IT, the SEO manager and tech side of things, it's easy for me to relate w/ the males in the office.
To directly contrast with Suzanne Kart, All opportunities I've received to really advance my career have been from men, not women.
Women at work can be manipulative, jealous and just plain mean.
I, thankfully, have been blessed with excellent female bosses and I actually prefer to work with women. However, I have friends who would daily talk to me about the evil women at work. The cat fights, the insecurity, the manipulation, the pointless nitpicks.
Wait, I did have one women at one job that treated me badly but I knew exactly why and how to fix it. She was worried that I was going to take her job and she worried that I changed too many things in the office and she would complain to our boss who would always take my side-- which would make her even madder. Luckily I was right and everyone in the office knew it....
Also I think middle aged women going through menopause have their own problems and us younger women just happen to be in the way.
I always tell my friends to not take the fights personally, keep a long of all the jabs and find someone higher up to take the problems to. The main thing that bullied workers need is an advocate to talk to.
I've had good women bosses and one bad one. However, it's worth pointing out that the bad boss was part of a larger toxic environment. I wonder if anyone has looked at how broader organizational culture affects this.
@GenerationXpert Suzanne Kart I agree with you. In my case, women have been my biggest ally (for the most part) and like I said, we should stick together in the workplace. I'm going to check out Debra's research, thanks for pointing it out.
@Vanessa I work in tech, so I'm surrounded by mostly men and engineering, tech-driven men at that. Our company is 90/10 men to women. That being said, I've grown so much and haven't felt discrimination regarding my gender, at all.
On another note, sometimes I think it's hard to distinguish between someone bullying you and then someone just being a managing boss...
@Monica Great point! Think about all the hormones we have passing through our bodies just naturally with our life month in and month out. Although businesses don't use it as a proper excuse, let's ask men if they were to go through menopause or get PMS each month how they would feel. Graphic, but true.
@KateNonymous The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. You bring up a great point about the broader organizational structure as a whole and I think that a lot of times the bullying DIRECTLY is due to poor management or a level of management that isn't paying attention.
I have absolutely experienced the wrath of an angry female boss. It's honestly too bad that many women tend to get overly protective of their 'work territory' and fail to form an effective team. Makes me wonder if men are just better at forming better collaborative environments. I hope that I am wrong.
And I did see Debra's research. I agree with some of it. But there are so many factors and situations -- one formula just can not apply to us all.
@MaSha You're right that one piece of research isn't applicable especially when it comes to the woman's brain and emotions! I tried to include a variety of research and articles I read, but this is just the tip. Thanks for sharing...I'm not sure if men are better at collaborative environments and from my experience, I think that women are better to collaborate.
I still maintain that bullying only works if you can be intimidated, and that there are a number of women who just can't be intimidated.
How does my wife handle bullying? Since she has well over 20 yrs in her chosen field, and a reputation as a no-nonsense, smart, worker who gets things done, and done right the first time, she can afford to taunt the women attempting to bully her as a "whiny, pushy, foolish little girl who doesn't want to ger her hands dirty in the field."
You see, she's one of the pioneers in the field, and has had powerful men attempting to run her out of it, including her ex-husband the cop, who tried beating her, until she pulled his gun on him. So bullying by another woman isn't a big deal for her.
I read an article very similar to this in the New York Times awhile back titled, Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work. After reading it I remembering wondering if the business profession as whole was more inclined to see this. I don't really hear this from my friends who are attorneys, or my friends in medical school, and I haven't seen it either.
I've never had a bad experience with a women boss, or co-worker, and I've had several. Many of the people I have worked with as co-workers have been male, and I have had problems with them, at least initially in collaboration, but I was also very young when writing grant propositions at my first job, only 21, so I can't say that was because I was female, it may have been my age. Women I collaborate with have always been extremely helpful and easy to work with, both in my first job and my current one.
The reason I wonder is that in my limited experience the only women I have had a problem with was not a co-worker, and not my boss. An M.B.A. she runs the offices I work in — the marketing, finances, organization, for a huge complex that encompasses many commissions, including a commission on women, an ethics commission, and so on and so forth.
This woman hires the assistants the analysts use, and she assigns them, that is as close as she comes to having anything to do with me. She has tried to bully me on various fronts, despite having absolutely no control over me, but again, I'm one of the younger analysts, 23, and can't really tell whether it's because I'm female, or because of my age.
@JRandom42 I think that certain people have tougher skin than others, but it still doesn't mean bullying is warranted. I like to see women who can move forward, but there is only so much anyone can take and when you're working, you shouldn't have to constantly deal with unwarranted attacks.
@Cooper Yes, I linked to the New York Times article in this blog post! :) You bring up a good point that age might come into play. I think older women with more experience, might find it easy to poke and bully younger women. I would be interested to see if age applied.
@Grace I think it's fair to say that people are who they are, but certain cultures can make it easier for bullies to thrive. And that boss bullied me a lot less than other people, because (a) she generally had trouble finding a basis for starting, and (b) I didn't just lie down and take it. I respected her authority as my boss, but I would calmly and privately tell her when I felt that she was out of line (although, since she was my boss, I never actually used the phrase "out of line").
I haven't had a lot of trouble with bullying in general, not so much because my skin is inherently thicker, but because I've been able to see it for what it is. Bullies are looking for a few specific responses, and they're usually disappointed by mine. I just don't provide them with the kind of fun they're looking for.
I wanted to second the work of Deborah Tannen. She's amazing.
https://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/
She writes a lot about gender issues. I stopped adding "tag questions" to my style for instance, with her help. (This is a great blog, isn't it?)
Men have put me down, or dismissed me, or just ignored me. Some have been great friends, supportive and mentors.
Women have been supportive, but mostly older women. Women my age seem to be very competitive. One woman I knew, a secretary, was a bully and I almost had a nervous breakdown because of it. (She knew all the power plays.)
The worst was when she told HR I was a racist, after she totaled my car, and I yelled at her in the office (long story, short). I was hauled before the HR rep who threatened that I was facing disciplinary action if her acusations were true. Fortunately the woman self imploded (she was fired for stealing). It took HR another six months to let me know her charges against me had been dismissed, and yet they still wanted to warn me about harassment! I could not believe it.
Anyway, I've learned since then that people will use whatever advantage they can find, especially in a tough economy, to further themselves. Bullying is one of those hard realities that we all have to be aware of.
Thanks for the post.
@KateNonymous I love your point about bullies looking for certain responses from people. They want to see people crumble, they want their affect to be strong and poignant. It's like reverse psychology-when you're able to stay strong and rise above her bullying influence it's the exact opposite of what she was looking for.
@Yvette Wow, I'm sorry to hear about the secretary and your story. I suppose it's definitely a learning lesson. I appreciate everyone opening up about the bullies they've been in contact with (for better or for worse). Even if we're a bit jaded, experience shapes us and makes us more tuned for the next negative or positive experience.
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