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I just came back from a networking mixer at Imperia, put on by the Austin Young Chamber of Commerce. The event itself is only to put this post in context. What I really want to discuss is the apprehension of going to these type of events on your own. It’s nerve racking. It’s like being dropped behind enemy lines with a mission without any support (note: possibly watching to much of The Unit on CBS).
Technically I was not alone. A friend had sent me the link about the event and I then posed the usually question one gives when informed about social type events, “are you going?” It should be presumed that the person telling you about the event is going, but our psyches need actually confirmation to weigh in the balance about whether to go or not.
It’s kind of crazy. On one hand you know the event could be fun and beneficial socially and/or professionally, but on the other the fact that you must find this out for yourself, alone, is enough to deter most people (I’ve been there before).
For this event I was confirming that my friend would be there while pulling out of my drive-way. God-forbid I show up and no one I know be there. Then I’m THAT guy, looking around aimlessly, checking my iPhone periodically for texts that aren’t there (you know what I mean).
Anyways I arrived and met up with my friend (social anchor, check), then preceded to the bar. Because of the crowds it took a bit, and by the time I got my drink, or shortly after, my friend told me she was leaving (it was pretty hot and crowded, so no fault to her). Then and there my brain started weighing the options. I had just started a conversation, so I felt safe for the moment, but what next? But quickly I decided to hell with that and to just go with the flow.
This is networking at it’s best to me. While I definitely prefer third party introductions, being able to operate in an environment solo is a skill-set every professional should have. In fact, going alone to events should be viewed as networking scrimmages. That is generally how I get over the apprehensive events. In this case what am I practicing for? The occasion when an event arises that can seriously impact my career.
The question one should ask when feeling iffy about going to events your friends may not be attending is, what excuse do I have for not going? Then in answering that question, barring a high cost, time conflict, or related matter, there should be no excuse. That is to say FEAR IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Fear is a hindrance to life opportunities. It is a survival mechanism often that does not know it’s place, especially in the modern professional world.
Thus as I continue to connect in Austin, if fear of going alone to an event is my only excuse then I have no reason NOT to go.
//A.J.
Agreed! The people who push themselves outside of their comfort zone are the ones who will have quicker and better results throughout their career. Thanks for the thought-provoking post A.J.
Great post! I just moved to Austin without knowing anyone and I have joined a few groups online, but I have been too afraid to go to the events by myself. I know that I wouldn't be the only one there who went alone, but I'm used to that "social anchor" as you call it. I like what you write, that fear is not excuse, because it isn't and I just need to get over it. Thanks!
Kelsey,
I had a similar experience when I moved to Kansas City, MO for a summer associateship with a law firm there. I had no ties to the city or friends there.
I found one of the best resources where co-workers and roommates. We'd go to events and then you just begin expanding your circle. Which is pretty much what I would tell people, that they were cool, interesting, etc., I was new to town, and looking to expand my circle.
//A.J.
I haven't attended networking events like the one described above, but I've attended social gatherings via Meetup.com. The people I have met are friendly and they always welcome new people, so it's easy to strike up a conversation when you don't have an anchor.
Going to social events solo can be very intimidating at first. After having to go it alone several times, I now make it a game for myself. I say, "okay, last time you got 2 business cards and this time you'll get 4".I know it sounds weird but it kind of psyches me up. BTW, don't forget the liquid courage! Wine is kind in tough social situations-as long as you don't have too much.
Ah, the networking-put-yourself-out-there-alone event. I moved to Boulder alone and had to attend many events just like the one you talked about, alone. I remember pre-gaming (mentally) before I went because although I'm outgoing and self-assured, it's always nice to have a wing man/woman.
You're right there is NO excuse. If we don't put ourselves out there, we may never know and you might not meet your next job, boss or friend. It's not easy but I always felt really strong after going alone, meeting with people and even snagging a few coffee's, informational interviews and business cards. Stepping outside of our boundaries is good for anyone. "Puts hair on your chest," as my Grandfather would say ;)
AJ, this is some scary business, and I applaud your ability to put yourself out there. I'm with Grace on this one (and some of the other folks above). There is no excuse. So unless you're somehow contagious, it's a good idea to go.
When you go with friends, you often just end up talking to them. Networking sucks. Really. But it's worth doing in the end!
Its so strange how networking sucks so much, but is this hugely important thing we all need to do. I wonder if there is a difference in the success people have "networking" when they aren't thinking about it vs. going to events specifically to "network"; like a mental thing where, when you aren't focused on it, it happens more naturally and more successfully maybe?
I was so happy to read the last part of our article where you describe giving yourself a mini-quiz. I do the same thing to discern if I actually have a good reason for not going or if I'm just scared.
I haven't attended networking events like the one described above, but I've attended social gatherings via Meetup.com. The people I have met are friendly and they always welcome new people, so it's easy to strike up a conversation when you don't have an anchor.
The main issue I have with networking in general is it tends to be nepotistic and inward-facing. By definition, it doesn't pull in new thought or talent. Networking, semantically, would imply adding new members to a group, but in practice it boils down to groups of like-minded people moaning about the luddites who don't understand them.
What's amazing is that almost everyone at those things is thinking the same thing, yet we have this social fear of somehow getting rejected (even as just a networking opportunity).
I've found that reminding myself of "what's the worst that can happen?" is helpful. Because there's not much that could go poorly. Of course sometimes I think that the person I'm talking to will laugh at me, get on the PA, make a funny joke at my expense, everyone will mock me, I'll turn into Carrie like that movie and then be the subject of an E! True Hollywood Story... but that has yet to happen.
It is not easy to network granted. To make it easier try finding a group on meetup.com when you'll know everyone will be there for the same purpose. Which ever purpose your "meeting up" for whether it be to hike, help each other with resume writing or your elevator pitch or to discover a new restaurant you will all be the "freshman" in the room.
Alex,
Networks are support mechanisms, with the best networks inward-facing to a degree, to help members develop, but also keeping an eye on new individuals to bring into the fold. They are nepotistic in that information is member exclusive, which I don't believe is a problem.
On attracting new thought and talent, keep in mind effective networks have an attracting effect. Networks are valued based not merely on membership, but on WHO is a part of those networks. Networks WANT people who have the potential to grow it, or they will die. Thus networks, by their nature, MUST bring in new talent and hopefully ideas to stay strong.
Also, keep in mind that certain networks will attract certain types of people. For instance, I have no need to join an IT networking group and so wouldn't be attracted to it.
I think you are confusing professional networks with political type groups, as the former is focused on professional growth more than people not getting them. And the best networks, far from being Luddites, embrace any new technology, ideas, etc., that will advance that network.
Finally, I've found with networking and networks, you get out what you put in.
//A.J.
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