For a split second I didn't think I wanted to write about this - but I realized two things. 1) I put most of my life on here so why not this and 2) writing has always helped me cope and rationalize things. So here goes.

Today my Mom called me while I was on lunch saying she was coming to pick me up and needed to talk to me. My Mom and me have a rocky relationship at the best of times so I figured I was in trouble for something. I asked if she could just tell me what was up on the phone (translation - yell at me for my latest round of faults) but she said no. 

I got in her car and we drove about two blocks before she found a place to park. She turned off the car and handed me a hundred bucks for my birthday. I pointed out she already gave me a present, but she was insistent.

Sad as it is, this is the point where I knew I was going to hear something I wouldn't like.

She looked at me with a no nonsense look and said "There's no easy way to say this, but I have breast cancer."

I made her repeat herself at least once, and then... nothing. I didn't feel anything other than shock and surprise and a lot of "why did she tell me this while I was working?" related thoughts. 

She told me the doctor says her prognosis is very good as the cancer is very, very small, and apparently is as close to her own tissue as it can get. She will (hopefully) have the surgery next month, then five weeks of radiation, and she should be out of the woods.

Still in shock, I told her that was probably the best horrible news she could have received, considering a good friend of hers just had both her breasts hacked off thanks to cancer, and her aunt had to have some heavy chemo last year (she pulled through, FYI). Then I remembered that my Aunt who'd had the cancer had had chemo and lost all her hair, and I begged her not to let Auntie Shirley take her wig shopping because the ones she had looked ridiculous.

Yes - that is the train of thought I was on. Please don't let my mother end up looking stupid in her wig. But as it turns out, Mom only needs radiation so she won't be losing her hair or looking bad in a wig. Both are small victories, if you ask me.

All I kept saying was I didn't know what to say and that I was sorry and I think I just repeated myself a lot. 

My Mom dropped me off at work and said she was going to see my sisters (they work together). She drove away and I walked into work, still in a daze. 

And then I got on the elevator and it got stuck. I cried.

I don't like being the crying girl at work, but it happened. My boss let me go home once he saw me and I told him what happened. 

So now I'm sitting at home feeling a lot of things, mostly just annoyed that yet another thing is happening that I have no control over. I am trying very hard to focus on the positives, as I was telling my Mom to do, and to be honest, I am trying not to think at all.

I have an irrational fear of cancer. It's everywhere. I am constantly slathered in sunscreen and thinking of ways to eat more antioxidants and be really healthy. I look for weird moles, I check my breasts about twice a week for no reason other than I'm a stress case.

Oddly enough, my Mom and me just had a conversation about cancer a few months ago. She said she felt like you're either going to get it, or you won't. I shared with her my theory that with so many things listed as causing cancer, maybe nothing caused cancer after all, maybe it was just something that the body did.

I'm trying not to be so analytical about it. I'm trying not to think about the fact she used to smoke, or the suntanning she does, or the poor diet, etc. I'm also trying not to be too emotional and start thinking of funerals and wills...

But as it turns out, cancer does weird things to you even if you're not the one that has it.

I'm really not looking for sympathy as I write this. I think everyone knows a survivor and a victim, I don't think I'm special in that department. I just needed to write this entry, get it out of my system, and get on with my life. I'm prone to dwelling on things, and I think now is the time to break that habit.

I'm ok. I promise.