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I once was told I wasn’t wife material.
Which is kind of odd since the jerk who said it asked me to marry him 3 months earlier.
Unfortunately, his words made me question the aspect of what it meant to be “marriage material.” Quite simply, I thought anyone interested in commitment and love was marriageable. Apparently, I was wrong. Marriage is for all sorts of things and the last (and least) bits demand commitment and love.
It’s an infinite list of to-do’s, must-do’s, have’s and have not’s. I found I was somewhat lacking, as probably most of us are in some way.
Why is this?
Because we are not perfect marvels of the universe…and never will be.
So, maybe instead, marriage should only be for people who are good at it. And, since only 50% of us can be good at it – the odds are pretty high we’ll screw it up. Therefore, no marriage for anyone and everybody can be a mix of blended and extended families, adopted uncles, 2 moms and civil unions.
Marriage is not for the perpetuation of the species – it’s for the perpetuation of life insurance benefits, (un)stable domesticity, shared utility bills, baby weight, health care, pre-prepared meals and someone beating you to the punch on letting you know about your forehead wrinkles.
Sex is the only guarantee that life will go on. And, even that is becoming outdated.
The idea love and marriage has changed, but only for the perverse. They are not a package. Your soulmate won’t necessarily be your wife and your husband can just be a domesticated roommate. They are parallel, separate and you are lucky if you find both. It’s the last gallop into adulthood before you become a full-blown grump after having children. Besides purchasing a home (NOT!) and having a kids (PLEASE SEE BRITNEY SPEARS) – marriage is the easiest thing you can do to establish your grown-upness. You’ve suitably demonstrated that instead of picking someone, you can pick “the one.”
I’m not saying marriage is easy. It’s just easy to do. Fly to Las Vegas on Tuesday morning and be considered an old married couple by Wednesday at noon.
Marriage is a big joke somewhere. Especially in Las Vegas. We take it so seriously, we’re willing to call the whole thing off in a matter of months (or hours). And, for something that’s supposed to last forever, the expiration date is starting to look a little iffy.
It used to be that divorce was the head-shaking bad news your grandma would whisper about at Jell-O and Tupperware parties. Now, you can celebrate your newly predicated singleness with fondant cakes, pinot grigio and dance halls.
Divorce: it’s the happiest taboo.
Everybody talks about the opportunities a break up (read: divorce) opens. Life will unquestionably change. Visions of the future are now crafted like never before. You are free from the albatross of a spouse around your neck.
On the other hand, marriage seems to add responsibilities while shutting others down. Life is now evenly calibrated with someone else’s steps (and missteps). A life partner is your partner…FOR LIFE. People dive headlong into this pool again and again. All the trappings of domesticity, love and a partnered life ooze tempting, luxurious stability for girls (and guys) seeking to capture the golden cascade of “settling down” and growing up.
Marriage has morphed into nothing more than a possibly boring and domestic Valhalla for the long and wearied adults who decided to give up the holy ghost of singlehood. Yet, what was so great about being single? And the newly divorced would reply: What was so great about being married?
Yet, marriage remains all the rage.
Then, people wail, “Oh Lord – what about the children? Oh…the children!”
Let me tell you, as a child of divorce – the kids will be alright. As long as Mom and Dad aren’t beating each other with bats or forcing kids to do icky things (like choose sides or homes), divorce has become something children expect silly adults to do these days.
People marry for love (sometimes), but they really should be marrying for divorce. Or, at least that is what should be part of the equation. How comfortable are you with this person not being your husband (or wife)? Could you keep it together if this person decided to divorce you?
How well can you divorce this person?
I bet no one ever asks those questions. We’re too busy deciding between egg cream or satin white for invitation paper colors. Life is too short to figure out when we’ll not be in love with “the one.”
As a married man of just over 4 years here is what I have to say about marriage:
- Most marriages fail because we are no longer a people of our word. We make a commitment till death before God, family, & friends. If we break this commitment we break our word & our word is no longer viable.
- Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. I have committed to love my wife & to work to make her happy regardless of whether or not she returns the favor.
- The removal of God from marriage is the root cause of the decay of the institution. If each spouse focuses on each other for happiness, they'll be sorely disappointed; since - as you mention above - we're all far from perfect. Each member of the union needs to focus on God & the example of His sacrificial love, then work to mimic that sacrificial love toward each other.
- Humility needs to be forefront. If you cannot accept the fact that you're nothing special & that you have problems... you will not be a proper spouse. You cannot focus on the problems of your spouse, you have to focus on fixing your own problems to make it easier on your spouse.
That's all I can think of for now I suppose.
Really thoughtful post Raven!
I have been married for about 3 years now and have thought the same things. I am actually one of those people that often thinks about what it would be like to divorce my husband-to have him gone from my life. And that is why I appreciate him so much more.
I think people get swept up in the notion that marriage is somehow going to change them as a person and that their prior existence will be no more. From Linens to china to dance halls people remove themselves from the actual union and choose to focus on fantasy and false expectations.
I think the key to a strong and successful marriage is to know who you are before you enter. My husband and I are flawed individuals with baggage and seperate histories but we have a strong respect for each other as individuals. To me, this is the basis of our marriage. I have married friends that are attached at the hip and have completely lost themselves as individuals. I think the same is true of our parents generation.
When people married in the 50's-that was it. No more individual freedom and no more "life". Just pop out some kids and bake cookies. Today, we have so many more options. We can live together, get married, have open relationships, date 5 people-whatever we want.
I chose to get married because I want to walk through this life everyday with my husband. I love having a soft place to fall, a best friend, a drinking buddy and a confidant waking up next to me every day. One of our "golden rules" is to always stay true to ourselves and our individuality and we work on it everyday. I don't delude myself in thinking that divorce can't happen to us because perfectly healthy couples divorce. But I am committed to today and mindful of tomorrow.
"Wife material" means different things to different people, but in mainstream media/society it usually implies taking care of others (often at the expense of oneself), obedience, cooking, cleaning, "politeness" (i.e. not voicing opinions or disagreeing), etc. Not all necessairly bad things, but the concept is meant to keep women passive and powerless.
When someone says you're not "wife material" say thanks.
You're not marriage material. What the hell does that mean? Maybe that means you don't want to settle down. Maybe it means you have a hard time thinking of being with just one person for the rest of your life. Maybe you despise conventionality and conforming. Either way, we all fit into bits and pieces here like you said.
I really like the thoughts you've brought up here, especially because you are speaking from experience and telling your own story.
I'm not ever sure what "marriage material" means. It seems rather archaic in this day and age and brings up "leave it to beaver" types of images in my head.
Marriage material is what you just look for in a partner that's a good fit. For me, it'll probably be someone who can reach the top shelves (I'm 5'2, so this is a constant struggle around here), and doesn't mind driving long distances for things.
I think marriage fails because we stop communicating and we make hasty decisions to find our "happily ever afters". This is why people don't like prenups. It just brings up the fact that perhaps this will end at some point and we're not happy to have our parades rained on.
It's great if you find the one, and I love love. But it's okay not be marriage material (whatever that means).
Raven I think you do point out a good point. No one marries with the intention of getting a divorce, but if you do, will you and your spouse remain friends after?
@ Matt - I've been married for 12 years in a godless marriage. It isn't God (or a lack of a God) that keeps a couple together. We stay married because we do love each other and because we want to be married.
@ Cara - I wholeheartedly agree. My husband & I have our own interests that we persue separately from each other, and that's okay. We also have interests that we persue together.
@Kimberly: Congrats on your marriage of 12 years! That is awesome. I love when I hear of couples staying together... since I am from a broken home w/divorced parents.
I what most people think about this point... even still today, couples commit their lives to each other in a church, under direction of a preacher, in a ceremony under the lead of God's Word, with a commitment before God.
I'm with Matt. There's a lot of self-indulgence and narcissism going on here. Taking care of others, cooking, cleaning and voicing your opinions in a positive and gentle way are qualities we all should aspire to in marriage and outside of marriage. Male or Female. This is not a gender specific aspiration. My husband wouldn't dream of ever voicing his opinion in a harsh way or of suppressing mine. But if I offer it as a way to exert my power he will remind me to be humble and modest. This work is MUCH harder than running a successful business of any sort (I know firsthand). That's probably why less people aspire to it these days. It's actually way more liberating to know that you have control over yourself. That someone depends on you as much as you depend on them. And that you stand for something. It seems that these days the only time the word integrity is used is in the basis of a career, well its important to have integrity in your work but even more so to have integrity in your relationships. Keep your promises. Understand that you are only a piece of a larger picture. Treat your neighbor (SPOUSE) as you would treat yourself. AND FOR SURE DO NOT GO INTO A MARRIAGE THINKING OF DIVORCE. That's like going into a sporting game or a meeting or a negotiation or EVEN parenthood thinking of failure. Instead try thinking of HOW you're going to approach any obstacles rather than once you reach one how you would feel if you opted out.
This post is all over the place, but mostly comes off as someone bitter about the fact that you haven't gotten married yet, but would still likely jump at the chance if you felt you found "Mr. Right".
Being in love and finding someone "compatible" are all good foundations for a marriage, but in the end it's going to require hard work and times when you're uncomfortable and angry and it's really not about fairness, ever.
For many people, these things are not ok. Those people should not bother getting married.
@Amber Shah
I don't think it's very fair that you call me bitter b/c you assume that I haven't found "the one" or haven't become married yet. Besides making unfounded personal assumptions about my private life, I think your point about marriage being hard work and compatability rings true.
However, the meaning behind a modern marriage has become warped and I think people are jaded (not to mention becoming "relationship lazy"). It's frustrating b/c marriage is supposed to be an opportunity where 2 people share their life, yet there seems to be a higher tolerance to abandon such an undertaking (and a lot more willingness to give up before you even start).
@Grace Boyle
I think when people use the word "wife" material - it's dumb. A wife for one man would be a nightmare for another (and vice versa for husbands). I think when people use such phrases, they are making assumptions about you in relation to your ability to handle marriage and a spousal relationship. Which is not fair, b/c it's totally subjective and prone to the ideals of what that person thinks a wife/husband should be (not necessarily catering to the realities of marital relationship).
I did made some assumptions about your personal life, but they're not unfounded, rather they're rooted in the wavering between disdain and curiosity I gleaned from your post. As a side note, I don't think you can realistically expect to post about incredibly private subjects and not actually draw any comments on your private life.
I'm not entirely sure what distinction you draw between the word bitter (which you refuted) and the word jaded (which you admit to), but I think both accurately describe your tone. The idea of wife material is subjective, but that doesn't make the concept extinct.
When I look at the time, effort and money people pour into planning their "perfect dream wedding," I wonder how many marriages would fail if they approached conflict resolution with the same intensity. It bothers me to no end that people can pour thousands of dollars into a single day, and agonize over having chocolate or vanilla buttercream on the cake, yet when it comes down to the nitty gritty and the whole marriage thing becomes "work," they throw in the towel.
Also, if you go into a marriage thinking "well, I'm not crazy about that habit or that belief, but after we're married things will change..." you're in for a not-so-sweet surprise. Marrying someone with the expectation that you'll be able to change them is such a terrible mistake - I watched my mom fight this battle for 16 years, and if you marry a selfish bastard, you'll find yourself divorcing a selfish bastard.
@Raven: The great thing about the whole situation is that we can all define marriage for ourselves, regardless of any warped and/or jaded meaning it has for some.
The best view to have regarding this situation - along w/most others in life - is to focus on ourselves. We each have the power to change our own situation, so it is healthy for us to do just that.
I wish I could change those who flippantly disregarding the sanctity of the institution of marriage; but I cannot. What I can do is be a good husband to my wife... and to love her more than I love myself. I hope that over the course of my life, this practice can have a positive influence on even one person. If it doesn't... at least I loved my wife the way she deserved to be loved.
I don't know much, but I do know this: you deserved to be loved with passionate & sacrificial love, and if you do marry... that man deserves the same.
Great post, very thoughfully written.
I think the human race is diverse: some of us are gay, some are left-handed, some are lactose intolerant, some have green eyes, and some are naturally good at swimming.
Some of us are not meant to get married, and some of us find a partner and stay faithful forever.
But society sees marriage as a recommended and preferred state of being. People are encouraged and sometimes forced into marriage, especially as they get older. And those who end up failing in marriage are looked upon as people who failed in life.
The real challenge is: how do you remain happy and fulfilled in life if marriage is not in sight, when society says you should be depressed? Because culture is powerful and effective: can we really escape and be freed from this enormous social norm?
@Amber Shah
Yes, I refuted being bitter - but I didn't admit to being jaded. I made an observation that people have become jaded. Perhaps it's easier to assume I'm jaded/bitter about marriage because of the thoughts/observations I make about it, especially when you want to opine I'd "jump at marrying" Mr. Right if I felt I found him (which, I'm still not sure what that has to do with anything). Yet, personally, I think I'm a just as idealistic about it because I still believe that marriage is about commitment and love (perhaps that makes me naive to a degree).
I'm well aware of the possibility of readers making comments about me when I write posts like this - but I think there is a difference between that and random snap judgments ("unfounded" or not)
@Matt
I think your thoughts are lovely and it's wonderful to hear such a view of partnership and marriage. I have to admit, I think that marriage's sacredness as an institution has been diluted somewhat. I agree that marriage needs to be defined by the couple (and not by society).
Marriage is not defined by couples or society. It is defined by God.
I have to completely disagree on any notion that a good marriage-or any marriage- needs to include God. God didn't create marriage-Adam and Eve didn't have a 'wedding' or ceremony to unite one another, they were created and started making babies together.
Marriage is something we created and put in the bible to show that two people are together in society. God didn't create the bible, people did.
We also need to remember that although Jesus wanted us to share the love that he had for everyone with our spouse, he wants us to also share it with EVERYONE. So when the Pastor/Priest (etc.) says that you must show the love for each other like the love that Jesus had for the world, it should really be something like, "together you should come together to spread the love of Jesus to the entire world..." That would make more sense.
Marriage is now an institution within our society. A 'norm' of adulthood and responsibilities. And like all responsibilities, people can choose to have them (like marriage, kids, house) or choose not to have them.
AND because marriage is now more of an institution than a sacred event, states are now allowing gay marriage, which can also be called a Union (its the same thing; a commitment and tax/benefit rights). Because in reality, our country is becoming less religious and therefore more open to actual equality-instead of just pretending that GLBT and races are equal, even when they aren't.
Two people choose to get married because they want to make a commitment to each other-they do it in a church because 'its tradition' or their parents tell them they have to. A minority of people get married with religion and God in mind.
Those who have faith in the Christian God of the bible believe that God inspired those who penned the bible. Without faith, these things cannot be realized because they cannot be proven... thus they are believed by "faith".
Faith also leads those who exercise it to the realization that the Christian God of the bible has the power to write His own book, and to do so in precisely the manner in which He wants... just as any of us can do; and presumably much more indeed! The notion that He cannot write the book He wants through the hands of men makes him no God at all.
If one reads the bible, one will see that marriage is indeed a union created by God as a picture of the relationship between Christ & His Church.
That is the Christian foundation of marriage and why our historically Christian nation practices a Christian wedding ceremony to this day.
Not all who enter into this union believe in these truths, but these are the roots of the truths nonetheless.
Congrats on your alliance of 12 years! That is awesome. I adulation back I apprehend of couples blockage together... back I am from a burst home w/divorced parents.
I what best bodies anticipate about this point... alike still today, couples accomplish their lives to anniversary added in a church, beneath administration of a preacher, in a commemoration beneath the advance of God's Word, with a charge afore God
My parents have been married for 44 years. I know of only one divorce in my extended family. That means, for me, that I would not marry someone with the notion in the back of my mind that "just getting a divorce" would be a solution if it doesn't work out and ... b) I have no fantasy that marriage is a romance.
I've noticed that many of my friends whose parents have divorced are eager to get married and believe their marriages will be "different." I don't believe that marriages that survive are "different." I think it's the expectations that are different!
Getting married at all is fully optional. It seems silly to feel pressured to get married, then pressured to stay married. I believe people should sign up fully or not sign up at all and that the bigger problem is that it is still taboo to state outright that you don't want to be married at all (especially for women.)
Disclaimer: I'm leaving out cases of abuse, domestic violence, and the like, where divorce may be the best or only solution.
@ MAtt
So when the government starts to add 'ungodly' benefits and 'perks' to getting married, is it still the same thing, or can it now be viewed as an unholy union of two people merely wanting the tax break and to have lots of crazy sex together?
Don't push your godly beliefs into other people's marriages. By you stating that marriage is between the two people and God could be seen as belittling those that didn't get married at a church, or decided to never marry and merely spend their lives together.
Besides (I'll open a can of worms), the Bible states that stoning women who are not 'pure' is allowed, God really decided to write that in his own book?? Have you stoned anyone lately?
@Anonymous
A little extreme there on the stoning? While I don't necessarily believe couples have to incorporate God into their marriage, I do support doing whatever you feel is necessary to keep the union strong and stable. If that means leaving God out - leave him out. If it's important (to the couple) to have a marriage founded on spiritual beliefs- then go for it.
I don't think it's fair to assume that someone's marriage is less validated if a spiritual/godly aspect is not included...it just makes it different.
@Anonymous
That is the classic attack on anyone who expresses a Christian opinion, or states a Christian belief. The fact is... this is a wonderful & free country, where any opinion can be voiced in freedom - even a Christian opinion - this is the way it is & the way it should remain. Just because I believe something or state something doesn't mean I have to have you believe it... it's just opinion. Providing differing opinions is one of the building blocks of a strong culture.
Your reaction to my comments seems to come from a spirit of anger... for that my heart goes out to you. Please take the time to reread my comment and understand that I am not pushing anything... I am simply stating a point-of-view or opinion, just as you were doing.
I could accuse you of pushing your beliefs upon me just as easily... but I will not because I know that is not how you meant it... you were just stating your own opinion & beliefs, which I fully respect and am totally cool with - please consider giving me the same respect.
Diversity makes our nation strong and great. That diversity includes Christian opinion and non-Christian opinion. It is a beautiful thing to be able to have and share our views in freedom.
Per the stoning statement - I'll leave that alone since it was taken out of context. I would only ask what verses you are referring to & how they pertain to God and marriage?
I would also like to thank everyone else for their input! :-)
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