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Phone-Phobia: we are talking about actual ‘talking’, not texting, gaming, iming or twittering.
Have you ever tried to get a teen on the phone? It is impossible. They will text you right back or email you, but they won’t pick up. I know, because I am the same way. I will do anything to get out of a phone call, I will write you an ebook, before having a chit chat. This is not good, I know, sometimes the personal connection is important, maybe even crucial to forming partnerships. Yet, I cannot stop the feeling of dread, anxiety, even paranoia when I hear my phone ring.
Here are some facts and ways to approach a phone-loather, whether it is your kid, best friend or you.
1) Warn, warn, warn
I try to warn people about my phobia of long drawn-out conversations. If you are a phone-hater, you have to warn those calling or wanting to reach you in multiple ways. I try the following:
“Would love to chit chat, but I am terrible on the phone, can we try to work through it via email?”
or
“Sure, we can talk, but just a little warning, I am a writer at heart, and am not very good on the phone.”
On my message:
“I am really bad at checking messages, so only leave one if you are patient and really have to, otherwise I will probably respond within 20 minutes if you email me, my email address is ______.”
2) It is Not Personal
I really do not mean to be rude, although I know it can be. Neither do my teen clients and interns who also hate the phone mean to offend. It has nothing to do with you, we are not avoiding you or avoiding working with you, we just do not have the skills to enjoy and utilize the phone.
3) There is a Difference
…between not liking the phone and not being good at it. If you have ever called someone’s house and their teen picks up, it often goes something like this:
“Huullo”
“Hi, is Nancy there please?”
“Ya.”
“Can I speak with her?”
“Uhh. Who are you?”
“Hi, is this Billy? This Sarah, Kat’s mom from across the street?”
“Ya.”
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Great, I was calling your mom about the meeting tomorrow.”
“Uh huh”
“So, maybe I can talk to her?”
“She’s not here.”
“Oh, OK, of course, do you know when she will be back?”
“Nope.”
“Uh huh, can I leave a message for her?”
“Um, there is not paper here.”
“Ok, why don’t I just call back and leave a message?”
“Uh huh”
“Ok, thanks Billy.”
“Uh huh.”
“Bye”
I actually teach many of the teens I work with how to be polite on the phone. It is a skill and many teens, because they are constantly online, do not have much practice.
4) Fear of Inefficiency
This is the main reason I do not like the phone. I totally understand the need to network and talk and just schmooze. But, somehow the phone feels rampantly inefficient. I live my life making things the most efficient I possibly can. I used to study in the shower by putting my flashcards in Ziplocs. Multitasking is a state of being for myself and most members of my generation (not saying this is a good thing), but it can shed some insight into why we so avoid the phone. There is a fine balance between using the phone to get to know another person, and using it to spitball the same ideas back and forth.
5) Agenda
I often find that it takes down my anxiety about the phone when I have an idea of what to talk about. For people who hate the phone you should ask the other person for a list of the things you will be talking about so you can think about them ahead of time. This keeps the call efficient and productive while you still have ear to ear time. If you have someone who is avoiding your calls, sending them an agenda can help get them to call you faster. Something like (on a voicemail or email) “Hi, It’s Mike, I just wanted to talk to you about 3 things, the schedule for Friday, the handout and your tech needs for the presentation, it should not be more than 10-15 minutes.” Then make sure to respect that list and the time you proposed.
6) Types of Listeners
I am a visual learner, I love to work alone and I express myself through writing. This is the opposite of the phone. It is not bad or worse, just different. When I work with people on projects, I ask them what kind of worker they are and usually address right away my phone phobia. If they are an audio learner and need to collaborate, then we strike a compromise before we both get aggravated.
In person is the best, but for working with partners, it can be important to have that phone time. If you have phone phobia, try to let people know you have this problem and set agendas with them. If you are frustrated by a coworker or friend who is anti-phone, try to strike a compromise and realize it is not a personal avoidance of you.
This post is dedicated to Tara Paterson, whom I always owe a phone call to! I am sorry Tara, I promise I will call you back and it has nothing to do with you!
I'm in my 30s, and I've always hated talking on the phone, so for some of us it's not just generational. My home VM does say, "please do not leave me a message unless it is important, otherwise, I will call you back when I see caller ID and have a moment to chat."
The thing I object to most about phones is the idea of constant availability. I am not available to talk with you anytime you want to pick up the phone and dial. I may not be home, or more likely, I'm working on something at home and don't want to stop to talk.
And you know how much I hate phones?! I don't have a cell phone. Yep, I'm the one. If I could have a text-only smart phone, I would do it.
Incidentally, today is the first day of my mom's retirement, and she called the house at 6:15 am wanting to chit-chat. I had already left the house for work, so she got my husband out of the shower, as he was thinking there was an emergency. We're going to have to set some boundaries about the phone, I think. :)
Thanks for this post. This post has to be the most complete one I've read about why someone may not pick up. I happen to be a very good communicator on the phone. It wasn't a matter of choice. I moved across country right out of school and at that time there was no email - just phone and snail mail. The phone was much easier and quicker to use so that was the medium I became proficient at using to communicate to my family and friends. The phone skills I learned in my personal and business life were complementary and have been a great benefit. I would recommend working on and improving phone skills if not already good at them. Then when a situation arises where the phone is the best tool to communicate (by voice), you already have the skills to convey your message. Writing emails and making comments on blog posts is a skill that didn't come to me naturally. It's something I'm continually working on by the process of doing so I can communicate effectively. I think a person will be further ahead in both their personal life and career if they can overcome their phone phobia.
Great post, Vanessa. The point about inefficiency stands out to me, especially. There's nothing more frustrating to me than playing 'phone tag' with someone when two emails would have solved the problem.
With some people, I enjoy having phone conversations. For me it's the best way to stay in touch with my immediate family, all of whom live far away. I have great conversations with one or two close friends. When Mr. Nonymous and I dated long-distance, we had terrific long conversations just about every night.
But I've realized that, aside from that small circle, the phone is just a way for people to ask me for something. It's a source of irritation.
On the other hand, after a couple of e-mails back and forth, it's often easier to call someone and finalize a discussion by phone.
So I guess it depends.
I think it is as equally important to understand why many people choose the phone first over e-mail. There is a sense of immediacy to it, it feels way more efficient in conducting business where the message is more than one way and the technology is almost 100% native for everyone. If I am negotiating a rate, I refuse to do it over e-mail. It could take several days and six to seven e-mails otherwise.
There has to be a mutual respect for communication preferences. Imagine how petulant and unprofessional it would be to have an e-mail auto-responder tell people you mainly do business by phone and you don't respond to e-mails in a timely fashion (oh wait). That's how I feel about a voicemail that tells people to e-mail them. Just respond. People eventually learn that it is easier to get you by e-mail rather than phone and they will adjust (even though it won't always be the case). The same hopefully goes for you and the teens you work with. They should adjust as much as they expect others to adjust for them as you state in number six.
Unless I know why someone is calling or am in a good mood, I generally don't answer my phone. I'll text them to ask whats up or I'll let them text me or leave a message.
My dad and bf always say I never answer my phone, but why can't they just shoot me a text?
I think idea of constant availability through cell phones is becoming annoying for the younger generations. Just because I have a cell and carry it on me all the time doesn't mean I always have to answer it. :)
Nice post~I totally agree with it.
Gosh, this is something I deal with everyday! I sell advertising and therefore am expected to spend a lot of time on the phone talking with clients. I always resort first to email, and then I have to stop and remind myself that 90% of the people I am contacting are 40 years old or older. This being said, they are NOT email obsessed like I am. I've quickly learned that many will not even respond to emails but if I take 5 minutes to pick up the phone, they'll answer immediately. The key for me is finding out first and foremost which clients prefer phone versus email, or even in person is better for many, no matter how small the task or discussion will be.
I wish I could take your advice Vanessa and put a comment on my voicemail about using email, but unfortunately I think in my profession (and most in my opinion) we are expected to be reachable at most times. Most clients would be offended if you were best reached a certain way. So, I guess I'll just have to continue sucking it up and make phone calls a part of my daily life. Ugh.
For me, I have no problem talking on the phone with friends and family I correspond regularly with. It's when it's someone I don't talk too often that I become wary - I know we'll need to "catch up" and if I don't have the time or attention to have a 30min conversation, I won't answer.
I actually love talking on the phone and get annoyed when people don't call me back, but I will definitely admit that some calls take a lot more energy than others. It's those calls I won't take unless I know I have the energy/attention span for them.
"I think idea of constant availability through cell phones is becoming annoying for the younger generations."
Trust me, "younger generations" did not invent this opinion.
I hate talking on the phone.The only person I really talk to is my mom and my boss.
I'm over 50 and I really appreciated this post. At last, vindication. I hate talking on the phone. I don't have a cell phone -- there is no one on this earth, even my beloved teenagers (who don't have cell phones either, btw), that I want to talk to so much that I need to be in constant connection. I'll happily email you, comment on your blog, IM you, whatever, but please don't call me. I actually cringed a bit when your script got to "How are you?" That always takes me aback and produces an awkward silence. You don't really want to know how I am, and I don't care that you don't care. Just tell me, as succinctly as possible, why you called.
I used to work for a University fundrasing program so it was kind of my job to get people to "open up"on the phone. I would just call, introduce myself, and start asking questions. It's kind of incredible how many people will get into the phone call. One thing that our bosses always ingrained into our heads was that "people love talking about themselves" so if you can get them to start talking (open ended questions - how did you enjoy your experience as a student here? - follow up questions: oh wow, Journalism? That is so interesting! (Brownnosing) - I've always been interested in that (please give me advice!) - what would you tell an aspiring Journalist?
I think that if the person doesn't hang up on you in the first 2 minutes, you've usually gotten them hooked.
I don't really mind the phone but I also don't give my number to everyone. I just got into texting and unless I cannot talk or you text me first, I will not use it. My phone rings for two reasons, you want something or you just need an ear. Push come to shove, if I don't feel like talking or know for a fact that our convo can probably be postponed for a few days, then I'll just ignore the call.
That's why I think the Pony Express or Carrier Pigeon is going to make a come back. You got to write a message just like text or email and there's nothing like the intimacy of having an animal show up at your desk or door step with a message. Plus you don't have that awkwardness of the back and forth phone conversation. Technology may change but we still like animals and like reading our messages.
Added bonus, you can scrawl your message on the animal itself as kind of a public message blast. There's no Iphone app for that!
I loathe the phone. I, like you, would write a manifesto rather than having to spend time chatting wtih people on the phone. Mostly this is because I am a very A.)Impatient B.)Overly-Task and Goal Oriented.
I don't want to be bothered with the conversation of small talk on the phone (and news flash, not many people are good at it anyways) If I am calling someone it is because I have a purpose (plans to schedule, decision to be made, info to get, etc.) and I don't want to chat about the weather or the latest Sox game (ok, I'll small talk about THAT topic a bit!)
Add to this the fact I anticipate all my phone calls being short, so I generally have a small time window of opportunity or I am distracted and multi-tasking and that just isn't fun for anyone!
I really enjoyed this post. I've had chronic phone phobia for as long as I can remember, and despite holding two campaign-related jobs that required me to make cold calls all the time, it's never really improved. Maybe this is why I love Twitter so much--short, sweet, and sent away from me without needing to talk.
Rather than go into the psychology of it any longer (too expensive anyway!), I think it's probably better to accept this as part of how I'm built. I like the idea of giving myself permission to make my preferences clear like you suggested, Vanessa; I think the "I'm much more responsive via email" line is a great one. Maybe I'll go record a new outgoing message now!
I totally agree with this! I've been developing an increasing aversion to the phone over the past several years. I'm a constant multitasker and in order to hold a productive phone conversation you really have to completely disengage yourself from whatever else you're doing and engage in the conversation. Otherwise you end up asking the person to repeat themself over and over again. And if the purpose of a call is to convey a simple piece of information I'd much rather get a text message, that way I'm not forced into 10 minutes of idle chitchat.
I've always hated the phone. Luckily I didn't get my first access to email until I was almost 30 so I had no alternative but suck it up and learn how to live with the horrible things. I'm quite good at it when I need to be - I spend most of my working day negotiating on the phone.
With my personal relationships, however ... now that I do have email, twitter and everything in between, I hate the phone more than ever.
I think it's an introvert/extrovert thing. I'm an introvert and I need a little space to think about something before I say it. Extroverts think about things BY saying it and need someone to talk to.
Human beings aren't much good at accepting each other's differences. My chit-chatty friends annoy me with their time wasting calls, and I hurt them with my failure to participate.
I'll accommodate their needs as much as they accommodate mine. I'll only apologise as much as they do.
Phone Phobia isn't a failing. It's just how some of us are.
OMG, this is so my son! He will text all day rather than pick up the phone! This is a great article, I could really relate to it.
Thanks,
Lina
thanks everyone for your comments! I am so happy I am not alone, I was a little worried writing this article that no one would be able to relate, so thanks for sharing your stories!
Vanessa
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Here's the thing everyone. We are going to be the most proficient with the technology that came out when we came of age. For the current generation that's texting. For my Mom's it's email. For my Dad's it's the phone. It's natural to prefer the method of communication you're best at, but you cannot avoid the others if you want to be taken seriously! Someone who's great in person but can't type intelligently is going to be dismissed by those who mostly use email, and vice versa.
So I'm glad you encourage your teenage employees to develop phone skills. They can't go through life sounding like stoners on the phone if they expect phone users to listen to them.
I personally hate email, but I force myself to check it so that I don't miss anything important from the people who use it a lot. You just have to develop competency with every kind of communication that's popular. Don't avoid real human contact just because it's uncomfortable and requires courage.
Great article! I've been developing a phone phobia for many years now and almost everything you said hit the nail on the head for me. Admittedly, a portion of my 'phobia' stems from a series of years involving negative phone experiences- one of which included working in a call centre as tech support for about 6 months (before I left because the anxiety of driving to work knowing I would be taking calls that I don't control and having people essentially inject their negative energy directly into my head, was too much to take). Placing calls is equally as frustrating. If there is no way out of it then I can generally suck it up and use the archaic technology, but given a choice... voice generally always loses my vote.
For years I always assumed I was alone. I've had so many people assume that I'm being rude because I don't answer when someone calls. In fact, I've had SO many people 'disapprove' of my method of communication that they've suggested I go for counseling to "fix" my 'phobia'. There is definitely some anxiety in using the phone- but in many ways I see it more as a choice. A choice to be more productive with YOUR time and communicate in the way that best suits YOU. I could go on and on, but you've done a great job in doing that with this post. Great article! Glad to know I'm not alone out there (even if I'm sure we're the clear minority).
Hi, I'm 16 and personally? Many teens just prefer texting because you can do it anywhere. Sometimes you're not supposed to be on the phone like in a meeting or when you're in bed. Texting gives us teens an option to A) Wait until later to reply back, B) Immediately reply back, or C) Not reply at all (if you're not on speaking terms with that person)
It's true in the article when it says that it's nothing personal. Texting becomes a habit/preferred way of communication, so communicating anyway else is wierd for us.
Love this article. This is me exactly. I have been overwhelmed with social calls and I used to just talk and talk to be polite - now I have developed phone phobia as a result of this negative experience. I can't stand to pick up the phone and engage in empty chatter any more. I have one aunt who calls every day to chat and it drives me mad. I now just ignore her calls. Problem with that is she then leaves voicemails to say I must call her back.....oh my god, I want to throw the phone in the river and never own one again.
I'm glad I'm not alone. Unless I'm trying to spot someone I'm meeting up with, I never talk on the phone. Just text. I rarely answer my house phone either. It's not that I'm a bad communicator, I'm just very uncomfortable. I talk with my hands and expressions and that usually helps me stimulate a conversation, which is probably why I feel at a disadvantage on the phone. I always wondered how life would be if Skype replaced normal phones.
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