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I wish they had Lamaze classes for twenty-somethings. Instead of learning how to breathe through childbirth, they could teach us how to breathe through our crises. You’ve got to admit there are some striking similarities between childbirth and the quarter-life. Sharp pains, sweating, screaming at other people…these are all ways in which women in labor and people in their twenties manifest their discomfort.
I know I’m exaggerating a bit, but I have discovered a breathing technique that has been extremely helpful to me these past few months. Whenever a friend gets engaged, offered a great job, or secures a kickass apartment, it comes in handy:
I breathe in…DON’T JUDGE.
I breathe out…DON’T COMPARE.
Ridiculously enough, it helps. When I start to feel a “contraction,” I turn to the technique.
“She got married already? Neither of them even have jobs yet!”
DON’T JUDGE.
“She just graduated college a month ago. Why the hell did she find a job before me?”
DON’T COMPARE.
Only after I’ve repeated “don’t judge, don’t compare” a few times am I able to be semi-rational about things. Deep down I know that comparing my life with others’ is like comparing apples with oranges. Even so, that doesn’t make things any less difficult.
I thought about shutting Facebook down for a week or so. Instantaneous updates of the success of my 850 friends are not doing much for me right now. As happy as I am that not everyone’s life is as convoluted as mine is currently, I’ll be the first to admit that misery loves company. So while you’re telling me about your brand new car with leather interior, I may be smiling on the outside, but “don’t judge, don’t compare” is running through my mind on the inside.
I cannot possibly be the only person who struggles with comparing her life to others’, right? Even when things are going seemingly well in my life, I find myself worrying about what other people are doing, rather than focusing on my own goals. I value knowing I’m on the right track, however after seventeen years of being a straight-A student, I’m used to being ahead of the pack. These past few months have put me out of my element.
But now that we’re adults, leading our own lives, maybe it’s not about the pack anymore. Something tells me that those nosy days of “Why her and not me?” are over. Perhaps the best way to ensure you’re living the life you want to live has nothing to do with what other people are accomplishing in theirs. I’m starting to see just how distracting it is worrying about who’s getting married, having babies, buying houses, and getting job offers. Especially since none of my problems are being resolved in the process.
Don’t judge, don’t compare. That’s my technique for next couple of weeks. My hope is that in the midst of all this inhaling and exhaling, I’ll somhow manage to “bring forth” a new beginning of my own. People keep telling me that it’ll all be worth the wait and pain.
Remember that when you compare yourself to others, you often compare the bad negative things about you (what you feel and what you try and hide from others) with the positive things of others (what you can see of them, what they choose to tell/show you, but not what they feel and hide from you). When making these unbalanced comparisons, how will you ever win.
E.g. when people buy a new car, they don't brag about the extra debt they're now in
E.g. when someone gets a job offer in a short amount of time, they don't tell you it doesn't pay too well or isn't something they really want to be doing
E.g. when someone gets a new job in a new fantastic location, they don't tell you how they are lonely and don't know anyone there
Yes!!! SO TRUE! I've started feeling myself *WINCING* sometimes when I go to facebook because I feel myself having those same thoughts. "What!? She's in NY!? No way! He has a baby!"
GOOD MANTRA. Don't judge. Don't compare. Maybe I will get this (temporary) tattooed on my hands.
I think you have a done a a great job of talking about something that is on the minds of many. When it comes to judging, it is amazing to notice how much judgmental language creeps into our discourse. For example, how many times have we used the would "should" in reference to ourselves or others, as in "I should have a job now because all my friends do." I like the breathing exercise - I'd also suggest the possibility of being mindful to the words we say or hear that bring us to using that breathing exercise. Thanks.
It sounds like you're addressing this very common issue in a productive way. I'd add that it can help to keep in mind that living the life you want has very little to do with the life someone else is living.
Great post! And you are so right about quarterlife and childbirth. Combine the two and the world collapses that much easier. But I totally agree with you in reference to Facebook. I don't go on as much as I used to b/c many of my old school mates post lavish pics of rocking parties & better days. While I show pics of my kids and hubby, feeling like the old maid of the group. It can be difficult to not look at someone and say, "Where did I go wrong?". But I think your mantra is awesome and a great reminder. Keep on trucking!
I'm blushing right now; you've called me out on one of my worst habits and I'm embarrassed! It's nice to know I'm not alone in comparing "mine" to "theirs" - "their ______ is nicer/better/cooler/more fun/better-paying/etc. than MY __________" "Why do THEY have _______ and I'm stuck with ______?"
::sigh:: It's frustrating, and as you pointed out, at some point we notice "just how distracting it is worrying about who’s getting married, having babies, buying houses, and getting job offers. Especially since none of my problems are being resolved in the process."
I've realized the comparing game is just as fruitless as the blame game; it's a lot of talk and it ends up making you feel worse than you started. Hopefully as we get older we realize that at some point we need to take responsibility for the life we're leading (after all, it's our choices which brought us to the place we're in now) and what is great for someone else may not be the best thing for us (one man's trash is another man's treasure, right?).
I'm still working on accomplishing this, though. Maybe your breathing exercise will help! Thanks for the advice!
Here's the thing: if you're working toward your goals and trying to live up to your values, then what other people are doing matters much less. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking, "Oh, this car is much newer and nicer than mine." And then I remember that my car does everything I want a car to do, it's in great condition, and it's paid off. Somehow that always makes me feel better, and worry less about what other people are driving!
@Kat You make great points. There is always another side of the story that people aren't willing to share with us.
@Dr. John Drozdal I agree. It probably would be very helpful to address the thoughts that lead us to compare ourselves to others. It's important to get to the root of the problem.
@Kate It's true that what other people are doing shouldn't affect our focus on what we want to accomplish in our own lives, but it's easier said than done.
@Tiffany I appreciate that you share your experience on the opposite end of where I'm at. In my life, I find myself envying those who are married with children. It's interesting to hear that as a married woman, there are times when you envy us single gals.
@Meghan You're welcome. And you're right. But I think it's another one, of many, ongoing lessons we must learn.
@Akirah, it's true that it's easier said than done. But saying it enough can help remind you to do it. Seriously, if you don't remind yourself, who will?
I once heard a coach (Tonya Williams) say something that really hit home for me:
"When we practice a comparing mind, all thoughts are automatically passed through a judgment filter."
So, I love the "don't judge, don't compare" breathing technique. Seems to be a great centering tool.
Thank you, Akirah:)
You are definitely not the only one that this happens to. It is hard to hear about the great jobs everyone is getting while you are still trying to find one. The first thing I do when I hear these things is be happy for them. I think of how great this is for them. Then I think of how my time will come. I don't want the job they get, or the car the buy, or house they buy. I want the right job for me, the right car for me, the right house for me. What may be good for them may not be good for me. Everything falls in place at the right time, when you least expect it to. What do you do with this time, while you are waiting, is up to you.
That's been the story of my life for two years lol. I graduated in 2007 from a decent liberal arts school in upstate NY with a liberal arts degree.
Did two tv internships, went to seminars, job fairs, sent out resumes to hundreds of employers since graduation, and many interviews later can only get basic customer service jobs.
I saw some of my classmates getting entry level media jobs and learning a lot, they seem to be having fun, they're in major magazines and have company emails and stuff.
I thought we all did the same thing, so why am I not getting a chance? But I had to realize God has a plan for my life....
Here's the problem I have with your title.
If you tell me something, how am I going to make sense out of it, if I don't compare it to something similar in my own life?
And if I am to respond to you, how can I do so in a coherent fashion that reflects my own experiences, if I don't judge it in light of my own life?
Just some random thought on it.
@JRandom I don't think there's anything wrong with comparing or judging things you see, based on your own life, however, when comparisons and judgments cause you to lose focus on your own life, that's when it gets dangerous. I think many people, particularly females, have this problem.
Its a cool mantra. I can imagine it beeing heard in ads in my head. :)
Seo Techniques
It didn't click in my mind until I read this post.
Girls are more 'catty' then guys-so often, girls feel like they need to be just as good or better than their friends. In order to feel as though they're doing this they often ruin the friendship; they'll complain about the other girl, when one is successful she becomes jealous and then is rude or mean to her. Or else a girl will flat out make herself look good at another girls expense.
I think if all girls realized why they do they can be such brats and realize this technique, girl world will be so much more peaceful.
:)
It is actually amazing that you have adapted this strategy. They are my mom’s favourites. She always also adds don’t judge others and they will not judge you and she is right. I don’t judge my friends, ever; it is true as I was taught that way all my life. It's actually works. Comparing yourself to the others doesn’t help either; you must aim to feel comfortable with what you are, but sometimes it is easier to compare ourselves to our friends, rather than find what WE really want and what WE should do.
Mary, the thing is, that we don't judge our friends, but we do judge other people, our rivals so to speak.
Akirah, I think this is a great strategy to adopt, and I have decided to do so myself.But I find it real hard sometimes(especially the dont judge part)
I thought about shutting Facebook down for a week or so.
^^ Did you? How did you manage to survive without facebook :)
Regards, Tim
It can make a person feel superior to judge other people.
This is why reality shows are so popular. Very easy to sit back on the sofa and critisize, all the while feeling better about ones own faults, which are now small by comparison.
People that do this are often the most insecure.
Thanks for all the great comments, guys. Yes, I agree, the women I know really struggle with comparing themselves to others. I haven't shut down Facebook completely, but I have monitored the way I process what I see on Facebook. It's so easy to fall into the trap of concerning yourself more with what other people are doing rather than what you're doing.
I think that's great advice. If everyone learned to take deep breaths and think about things before stuff gets out of hand the world would be a more peaceful place. I will try taking a big inhale/exhale the next time I'm about to say or do something I might regret.
I'm not interested in what my friends, co-workers, relatives, ex-schoolmates or that guy down the street is earning, doing or getting laid with. Or how many widescreen plasma TVs they own, or whether their kids are going to which private school.
Because at the end of the day, even if I 'beat' them in every aspect of their life, there's no satisfaction. There'll always be somebody better at something, no matter how high you reach.
After all, Bill Gates isn't the world's greatest athlete and Mother Theresa probably can't survive long in a fistfight.
I'd rather focus my time and energy on achieving goals for my own purpose - honing my own skills and talents to a fine point, not because I want to be 'better' than everyone else, but for the sake of personal satisfaction and meaning.
This is worthy to be read especially to people whose ego has been altered by not having or acquiring what they want in life. Comparing is really not healthy. It's comparable to toxicity in food. It will ruin our health, our life. We got to do something to eradicate this kind of thinking. Its better to reach success without stepping on others toes.
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