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As I type this, my friend Heather is in labor! I am so flippin excited to finally get to meet little Avery and her having this baby has been on my mind all day! Her water broke this morning and she sent us a text around noon saying she was being admitted to the hospital. The only other update was around 10:30 tonight when her husband said she was 6 centimeters. I am dying to know what is going on and I wish I had like a 15 minute play-by-play of whats going on.
If I was in her shoes today I would be flipping out. I mean full on panic attack. I would seriously need some anxiety medication. Having your first baby must be the scariest thing ever! You have no idea what to expect or how long it will take or how much it will hurt...oh don't even get me started on the pain! Then to know that this is the last day of your life that you are responsible for only yourself. As of tomorrow you will have this other person who is dependent on you! I would be going crazy. And she says she's not doing an epidural. I can not even imagine. Plus the baby is about 11 days early so it's not like she was expecting it to be today! Those would be some tough shoes to fill today!
Whenever I was younger or even just a few years ago I thought this "baby bug" thing people talked about was a myth. How could you crave a screaming kid? But I feel it sometimes now. If I was married right now, having a baby might have even been on my 30 before 30 list. Sometimes I do freak out thinking about the "timeline" of it all. I still need to find my husband and then I would like to enjoy some time just us two before having a family, but let's face it I'm not getting any younger.
My mom had me when she was 38 and my dad was in his forties. Growing up I thought I had the oldest parents in the world. I also used to beg my mom for a brother or sister, but at that point it just wasn't possible.
In just 10 short years I will be 38. Is that enough time to find my husband, get married and have more than one kid? Sometimes I worry about that. Time seem to pass more quickly each year and nothing happens. I used to want four kids. I used to want to be a young mom. I used to want to have 5 years with my husband before we started trying for a baby. But as the years go by those dreams seem to be further and further from the reality of my life.
Now when I hear young girls talking about their "life plan" and "timeline" for marriage and kids I want to laugh. It's just not something you can plan as easily as other things in your life because those are forever things. The guy you pick to marry will (hopefully) be the one you are with forever. The kids you have will be yours forever. It's not like picking a college you will go to for four (more or less) years. It's not like a job that you probably won't stay in for the rest of your life.
Also it is not something you have as much control over. You can't decide "oh I'll go out and find a husband today" and then when you actually want to have a baby you will start to see how unfair life can be when all these teenagers who don't want to get pregnant do and you try and try but can't. That is something else I worry about a lot. I now actually know a lot of people who have had problems I never dreamed of with fertility and pregnancies. It is so much more common than I ever thought. Will that happen to me?
In my Bible study right now we are doing a Beth Moore study on the book of Esther. The whole theme of it is "It's tough being a woman". It sure the heck is sometimes. No matter what phase you are in with your life, being a woman is tough. I know guys might have some of the same worries or fears, but I don't think it is to the extent it is for women. I don't think you would see a guy worrying so much about his eggs dying and the "timeline" of his life. And I know once I pass these hurdles in my life there will be more ahead to give me sleepless nights. It's so much pressure to be the perfect size, perfect career woman, perfect wife, perfect mother, etc. None of which I am right now by the way. Hopefully at the end of this Bible study I will be better equipped to deal with some of these pressures.
Do you think it is tough being a woman? How do you deal with it?
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Comments
06.12.09
Uh, yes. I'm 25 and have no desire to have kids and settle down and get married anytime soon. My mom keeps warning me that I will, but I just can't see it. I still feel really young and I'm more focused on my career right now than anything else. I feel like the family part will naturally fall in place. But a small part of me knows this is probably wishful thinking because, like anything, families and relationships and popping out a baby take a lot of work too. Thanks for writing!
06.12.09
Speaking as someone that graduated from college at 28, married at 33 and is just starting to really enjoy my career-I am worried! I am finally thinking about having children because I know that if I don't, I may miss the opportunity. I often wonder if I would regret that in the future.
I feel like I am under pressure to start trying but I am really enjoying my life and career right now. I wish I could rewind or turn back the clock but then I would have never experienced all of the things that make me who I am. It's so hard having to make these decisions as a woman-I have spent many nights toiling over this-it's not really fair but I guess nothing really is!
06.12.09
My wife and I would like kids and I think we're getting close, but we've only been married a short while. When we talk about it the first thing that comes to our minds is affording it, since we'd like to have her at home, not working. People say you're never really ready to afford a kid, and that you just make it work once you have them. We are in our late 20's which isn't too bad but we want 3 kids...so pretty soon here we feel like we should get going!
06.12.09
I think the challenges that women face are more than just a 'ticking biological clock'. Did we forget that after a certain age, men can't make babies either?
Lets put it this way; a woman struggles from day one. Baby girls are more likely to develop UTI's before they're even out of diapers. They have to deal with their body shapes changes from straight to curvy, the 'dreaded' first period, and after that cramps, tampons, mood swings..etc. From there they need to protect themselves from boys/men who prey on them. As they grow into adults they still need to protect themselves, they are pressured to fit the norm both physically and sexually.
From there the struggles continue.
When women get older they deal with menopause, their bodies changing (again!), retirement (without relying on someone else).
The list goes on and on..
Being a woman is a challenge. And it's something that is taken for granted often.
What challenges do men feel like they face in a lifetime?? (This is a serious inquiry, not sarcasm) :)
06.12.09
When I was younger I always knew I wanted to have kids at a young age. I thought about the whole marriage thing but not as often as kids. And I only wanted 2 (still feel this way) but I could never have planned for what actually happened. I got my wish of having kids young but I didn't think I would have them this young. I certainly do not regret it one bit but after I had my first kid and realized that even when you form the family, things can happen, I knew that there was no reason to continue to plan and just go with my heart. You can't control every aspect of your life and its no fun anyway. As for the affordability of it all, that's a toughy. Its hard to put a price on what you'll need for a child until it actually arrives and you fall into a routine. The basics are easy to cover but I think the psychological aspect of the parenting is what most people don't plan for.
Its great that you're contemplating all of this!
06.13.09
I had my first daughter at 24, had planned it (I met my husband in high school), but still got home with my newborn and absolutely panicked. It was extra lonely having a small child that young as a professional in NYC because most of my friends weren't even married, much less having kids. Still, I met a whole new group of friends (10+ years older than me it seemed b/c that's who my daughter's friends' parents were). I now have a beautiful 13-year old (who friended me on Facebook!). And I will be a much younger Empty Nester than those who have kids when they're older. There is never the perfect time to have children. We all do the best we can, luckily oftentimes with surprisingly amazing results.
06.13.09
Tiffany's the smart one here. Listen to what she's saying - just go with your heart.
Turning 50 this year has made me reflective. I must say I've been very happy with my life. Here's why.
When I was young my well-structured life plans were interrupted when I became pregnant. Since then, I've learned through repeated experiences that 30 by 30 plans just don't cut it. Plans, in general just don't cut it. Life happens and you're best off taking it as it comes.
That doesn't mean I just sat back and was a slump. No way. I worked hard, set goals and made plans. But if they didn't work out, as some never will, I didn't worry. Surprises are fun. Spontaneity is exciting. And the life I got is MUCH better than the life I planned.
Secondly, and very important, is the gift of happiness. Actually, it's a gift you give yourself. You can CHOOSE to be happy, or you can choose to be unhappy. Throughout my adult life, I've chosen to look at the positive things instead of the negative. I look at what I done, or gotten, or been, instead of what I haven't.
Quit over-analyzing your life ladies. Just go with your heart. Live you life and enjoy it as it comes. It will be great!
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