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A few weeks ago I was at a wedding and was bullied into participating in the whole throw-the-bouquet-to-all-the-supposedly-desperate-single-ladies routine. The DJ went through the crowd badgering all the women about their marital status. When I said I wasn’t single, but couldn’t “prove it” with a diamond, he said my relationship didn’t count. (Because, apparently, this guy gets to decide who’s relationship counts. I’m guessing then, if you’re gay and live in a state that doesn’t allow gay marriage, your love and commitment doesn’t count, either). He went so far as to grab the chair of my brother’s date and literally drag her on to the dance floor. How is that acceptable? (Answer: it’s not).
I have issues with a lot of wedding traditions, but my main problem with this DJ (and most I’ve encountered) and this tradition in particular is that he made two huge assumptions about the ladies in attendance: 1) We’re all desperately hoping to get married and this is our top, if not only, priority in life, and 2) We’re all straight. For our humiliation playing into his assumptions, he rewarded one of us with the “ultimate” prize [insert eye roll here]: a dance with the lucky single guy who had the “honor” of catching the garter. How awkward a prize is that? Give me a real prize, like a work promotion or an all-expenses paid vacation, and then we’ll talk.
The DJ’s assumptions alienated those of us who didn’t feel the same way he does (and most of society, for that matter) about a (sexist and heterosexist) tradition. After I got over being angry (I’m over it, I swear. Obviously, right?), I realized that, for this guy, these assumptions and his behavior are usually accepted and normalized in his wedding-DJ-world. All of us have a worldview shaped by our lived experiences and the people to whom we’re exposed. This DJ has probably been exposed to a gazillion hetero weddings and lots of guests who are all too happy to comply with archaic traditions and the demands of the Chicken Dance.
But that doesn’t get this DJ off the hook. We all go to work with our unique filters, ways of making sense of the world and our idea of “normal”. So often, we impose these ideas on others without even noticing. The result? Workplaces in which employees in the minority, however defined, feel excluded and trust is lost.
How does this happen? It’s the co-workers who ask their colleague how he or she is going to celebrate Christmas, assuming that person is Christian. It’s asking a male colleague if his date last weekend had a nice rack because it’s assumed he’s straight (and that women should be judged based on how they look). It’s assuming a Black co-worker must know a lot about hip hop. It’s asking the newly married woman in your office when, not if, she plans to have kids.
Think before you speak. Be mindful of the impact of words and actions, not just the intent.
I’m a fan of workplace affinity groups and other efforts to retain diverse talent. When done well, they can provide support and advocacy for employees who identify with an underrepresented group(s). That’s not enough, though. To be good co-workers and more effective workplaces, we all have to examine our own biases and be conscious of when and how we might be inflicting our worldview on others. Don’t toss your bouquet to someone who’s going to let it hit them in the face.
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Comments
06.12.09
I HATE HATE HATE the tradition of throwing the bouquet and garter at weddings. No joke, the last wedding I went to had my upper 80 year old widowed great uncle catching the garter because all the younger guys hid in the back...only to hand it to the younger guys because a 13 year old girl caught the bouquet.
It's always awkward, because quite frankly, if you're at a wedding and single (or in a relationship sans ring)who wants more attention to that fact? And who are we to assume that every girls dream is to have some random guy put a garter on her (or every guy wants to put a garter on some random chick)?
I just know that when the day comes for me to walk down the aisle, the bouquet/garter toss will not be found on the schedule of events!
06.12.09
This is a great post that brings up an excellent point. It's really frustrating when people make assumptions about the rest of the world based on their own worldview -- and even worse when they react in shock if you tell them you disagree. ("you don't want kids? WHAT?!")
06.12.09
Nisha, I agree. When I tell people I'm not planning to have children, I got a lot of shocked reactions. It's sometimes annoying, but I can deal. What I can't handle is when others try to change my mind or treat me like I'm some sort of mutant, just because I don't want to breed.
I'm guilty of unconsciously making assumptions, too. But I think we all need to be more mindful and respectful. Takes time...
06.12.09
Is the issue wedding DJs (this one was a jerk; plenty aren't), or traditions like the bouquet and garter toss (we did neither; instead, we had an anniversary dance for the bouquet)?
But the larger issue, of course, is how we act based on assumptions. We all have them, and it would be impractical to try to eliminate all of them. But we can work on questioning them, which is just about always a good process to go through.
And back to the original example...wow, that DJ really was a jerk. I'm glad I wasn't at that wedding, because whether I was a guest or a participant, I'd have had words with him.
06.12.09
whew! I'm glad we don't really have this tradition in our weddings. garters would be too awkward in front of everyone's grandmothers....
Assumptions serve a good purpose in that they help us categorize life. If they turn into biases and ignorance, that's where it becomes troublesome.
Thanks for the reminder!
06.12.09
Kelly - I really like the point you made in bold: "Think before you speak. Be Mindful of the impact of words and actions, not just the intent." That DJ sounds obnoxious, but I don't think he intended to be. Most people just find it much easier to skip the "thinking" part, and go straight to the "speaking."
I'm also not a big fan of wedding traditions (and the assumptions behind them), though I suppose they aren't necessarily all bad in and of themselves. The bigger problem, I think, is that so many people cling to them and aggressively force them on everyone else, like this DJ seems to have done. And I would absolutely include the Chicken Dance on the list of worst offenders.
06.12.09
Everyone knows the adage about assumptions and what they make you and me...
And I agree that in general, people can get themselves into trouble by assuming things, but I also think it is completely unrealistic to expect that a person can be 100% politically correct with all people all the time. We are all a function of socialization and learn behaviors based on experience and teaching. And it is obvious that America in general is making strides to becoming a more diverse society much more tolerant and accepting of differing, well, “everything’s” as directly evidenced by the election of the first non-white (and very nearly, first non-male) president. All very good things if you ask me. However, we need to realize that such change is a work in process and try to be understanding if our fellow society members are sometimes less than sensitive sometimes. They are most likely not being malicious, simply following/reacting to social norms absorbed during a lifetime in their surroundings. Acceptance and tolerance is a two way street, relax a little and roll with it…
To the point of wedding DJ’s and the (deteriorating) notion of the “traditional” marital relationship, while I personally agree with your views on marriage, kids, civil rights, etc I think you are off base to expect that while attending a traditional event you should expect behavior that deviates from tradition. A wedding is a day first and foremost for the bride (everyone knows this is true) and secondly her groom and family. They are paying the bills, they are throwing the party, and have invited everyone else to help them celebrate a pretty significant event in their lives. It is completely reasonable to expect that they would cater the day (and all of the events) to be in line with their own wishes (especially since it is never possible to please everyone anyway). This DJ, if he is any good at what he does, was simply following directions from the bride (possibly the groom, but not typically) on how she wanted him to interact with the crowd. As others have already pointed out, it is absolutely the choice of the individual as to what events do or do not take place at their own wedding. All of that being said, there are certainly many ways for a DJ to interact with a crowd and the true professionals are the ones who not only follow through on directions they have received from the bride ahead of time, but also react and adjust based on feedback. Ultimately we all get to choose whether to participate in having our own wedding as well as which DJ will do the best job of making it a fun party.
Oh and by the way, I also hate the chicken dance, but the people who do get involved and allow themselves to relax are always having more fun than everyone sitting there watching them all pissed off because they can’t believe they have to hear the stupid chicken dance one more time. Go to a coffee shop to sit around and talk. When you go to a party, act like you are at a party. The end.
06.12.09
"This DJ, if he is any good at what he does, was simply following directions from the bride (possibly the groom, but not typically) on how she wanted him to interact with the crowd."
It's also possible that the bride at this wedding didn't tell him how to behave, but that this is just the way he behaves. It's tough to know whether he or the bride (or both) is the one who thinks that all single women HAVE to participate in the bouquet toss, no matter what. This may just be the way he goes about it by default.
06.13.09
As a DJ, (a college wallet filler, not my career), I've done dozens of weddings amoung other events, and although this post is about much more than just being a wedding DJ, I felt it prudent to share my thoughts. We're not all so airheaded after all. Out of the 30+ weddings I've DJ'd not once have I done or been asked by the bride or groom to perform a "garter toss winner/boquet toss winner dance." Even without reading this blog I would have said this was a dumb idea and could potentially make things awkward for two people who would otherwise had a phenominal time at the wedding. If that's a wedding tradition, I've never seen it. Maybe it's a geographical thing.
As for the garter toss and boquet toss in particular all I do is ask from behind my table if the single ladies and the single men would make their way to the dance floor and leave badgering people and the arm twisting to the bride and groom. I don't know these people and I would feel especially uncomfortable trying to make them do something they didn't want to regardless of their relationship status. It's not the DJ's party, let the hosts who know everyone handle things like that.
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