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My brother in law always jokes that there’s two types of good. Good. And good for nothin’!
I think that applies to advice too. And I love helping people and a huge part of that is giving advice.
As the Chief Body Tutor of MyBodyTutor, I wear many hats. Part nutritionist, part personal trainer, part coach, part inspirer, part therapist, part bull secretion detector, and part trusted friend to name a few. I want to be able to help my clients on all sorts of issues they might face.
Many people believe that getting in shape will make them happy, and it will! But many also believe that it will solve all of their problems.
Working on ways to make yourself happier and actually trying to solve your problems will make it a lot easier to get in shape! Because you won’t be nearly as inclined to eat emotionally, mindlessly and habitually; a big part of what I help my clients overcome.
So I find myself in the position of being asked for advice on all sorts of topics.
Most people when they seek advice want to be told what they want to hear. (Although, I believe asking questions is the best form of advice as opposed to simply giving answers.)
Perfect example: Has anyone who is getting worked in their so called ‘relationship’ ever asked you for dating advice?
Say something to them like, “I think he isn’t good for you. Clearly, you’re unhappy and he hasn’t changed. I think you need to end it and move on with your life.”
9 times out of 10, you’ll get a response like, “But, he’s so nice and we have so much fun together.” Really? Then why are you always miserable?
This happens because you’re going against their ego. Just like the first step to getting in shape is admitting that you aren’t in shape, most people can’t accept that.
Gentleman, has a girl ever asked you if she looks fat? Run and hide.
There is no upside to answering this question. Answer with, “No. Not at all. You look great!” and you’ll get something like, “Why are you lying? Don’t lie. Tell me the truth!” Tell them the truth and all the running and hiding in the world won’t do you any good.
Besides, ladies do you really need someone to tell you if you look fat or not? Everyone knows their own problems.
It’s just a question of if you really want to admit them to yourself.
Which leads me to the next kind of advice. Good for nothing but your ego!
This is when you tell the a person exactly what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to hear. “Yes, you look awesome! And yes, he’s absolutely head over heels in love with you!”
My wonderful mom would always preface advice with asking if I wanted her to tell me what I wanted to hear or what I needed to hear.
And sometimes, I do want to be told what I want to hear. But most of the time, I brace myself, and am prepared to hear something that might go against my ego.
Because that’s the only way I’ll grow.
And the only way to get really good advice is to decide before you ask, what kind of advice you want to hear.
Good. Or good for nothin’!
Hmm, interesting. I think the best way to give advice is by making the other person believe they came up with the solution on their own and I can see how asking the right questions can achieve that. I oftentimes ask my friends to NOT give me ANY opinion or advice on what I'm saying. Especially when it comes to relationships -- I am the only one that knows what's really going on, so I don't need advice of a friend that has only heard my biased side of the story.
@ Katya Of course, if you don't want advice then your friends shouldn't offer it. But that's the problem...you are biased! I think the best way to tell if you're acting irrationally in a relationship (or possibly any situation) is to pretend you were on the outside looking in.
But that's hard to do for many people. We all have a story we tell ourselves. And most of the time our story omits the negatives.
Great post, Adam.
As someone who plays confidante to waaaay too many people, I have learned to discern when people just want you to agree with them vs when they actually want to know what you think about their situation.
When they want you to agree with them, they'll usually talk up their side to high heaven, and then say "don't you think so?"
I think that if you're going to ask advice, you should be ready to hear something new that you may have to factor in and think about.
And if you're going to give advice, it's a good idea to ask questions for sure.
But then again, it's a good idea for people to figure things out on their own...it's their decision in the end anyway, no matter what you say!
@ Mehnaz - Thanks! Absolutely. People always believe what they tell themselves and are going to do what they want to do.
Also, I'm not saying people shouldn't figure things out on their own. All I'm saying is if you should ask for advice figure out what kind of advice you want before you ask for it.
I have to agree with you here Adam, and to build on what Mehnaz said, sometimes, when I'm on the advice-giving end, I differentiate between want to hear/need to hear and sometimes I don't. With some friends, they come to me because they know I'll tell them what they need to hear. No bull secretions (love that) and just brutal (and sometimes ugly) truth. Other friends know I'll feed their ego, so they come to me to hear what they want to hear.
More often than not, I'll tell people what they need to hear, because I am a firm believer in advice karma, and I want to hear the truth if I'm asking for advice.
This post got me thinking about how I approach people when I have a need for an opinion. I'm in the process of evaluating that part now. Thanks for getting the wheels turning!
I hear ya. My job is to dispense the kind of advice that will keep you from getting killed. I always find it interesting how hard it is for some people to accept advice and take instruction. Watching other people unable to do it gracefully has helped me to up my game. Sometimes the best way to learn to take advice is to give it for a while and see how hard it can be to impart a little wisdom!
Great post.
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