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Pete and I have gone through the "friends getting married" phase. Last year was filled with 9 of our friends' weddings, as well as our own. This year will be the year of the baby. We know a lot of couples who are getting (or trying to get) pregnant.
The thought of having a baby right now completely freaks me out. I love kids. I love watching them learn, and figure things out on their own, and talking and playing. But I'm not ready to care for someone other than Pete and myself right now. We have a few (real and fake) nieces and nephews, and for us, that's enough for the moment.
We decided that when the time comes, we will start with one, and see how things go. But having a baby or not having a baby isn't really the question for us. That all depends on when we feel ready.
The real question for me is: to work or not to work.
My mom stayed at home, so I always thought that I would too. But now I'm not so sure. I love kids, but I hate keeping up with the house. What would I be doing while the kids are at school, aside from playing tennis in the women's tennis league and maybe freelance editing because I feel like it? I don't see Pete and I in a financial position to do that ever, and if we were, I'm not sure that I would want that. We love to travel, want to save up for a good retirement and a cute house downtown. I'm sure that we could do that on one income, but I like what I do. I worked hard to get the job I am in. I don't know if I could give that up.
On top of the fact that Peter will always need healthcare, and one of us will always have to be providing that.
I hate that there is pressure on both sides. You're not a good enough mother if you work, and you're giving up the dreams of the 1950's housewife if you don't.
I will probably end up working when the time comes, and no one is going to make me feel guilty otherwise.
Lindsay
Your last line “...will probably end up working when the time comes, and no one is going to make me feel guilty otherwise".
I have done both. I proved myself, built and ran a marketing department at the age of 25, got married...worked, worked, worked. Had my son when I was 30, let's just say he wasn't the best baby....I went back to work 3 months later (we hired an excellent nanny whom I’m still thankful for today). I thrived at work the first 18 months of his life...then... he began walking, talking, and asking questions. Questions I wanted to answer. So I walked away from a $100k+ job. Cried for 2 months before I handed in my notice, and went home.
To keep this short I was home for almost 2 years, at that time I joined mommy groups, sold jewelry on the side (needed something that was mine) and really got to know my son. Most days I felt like a cruise director. First breakfast, then play date at the park, grocery shopping then home.
I continued to network and reach out during those years (before LinkedIN even existed gasp) and keep my skills sharp through reading and talking to ex co workers.
Then I put my son in Preschool and I re-entered the workforce...I missed it, I loved it, I have passion for my work and for the people I meet and assist...My son, he loved preschool, socially like his parents he was in his element.
The only person who will make you feel guilty is....you. I looked for articles EVERYWHERE, books, anything to help me with my decision...I couldn't find anything! So I made my plan up. My son is now 7 and every summer I have this SAME discussion with myself...and every year I know I have the choice to come home if I think it's what he needs....right now I work and he sees his mommy confident and contributing, it will always be a memory for him and if I choose to come home during the jr. high years when I think he might need me...I’ll know I can always go back.
Good luck and got with YOUR gut, I continue to struggle with this everyday... you'll never make the wrong choice because as woman, we reserve the right to change our minds whenever we deem necessary....
I agree with Dina.
I don't have children so i can't really sympathize from that point of view, but my family is full of working women. My mother's a single mom too and she had to work the whole time we were growing up, but she managed to spend time with us every night and was there for all our christmas concerts and broken bones.
Again, it comes downt to following your gut. should I ever want to have children, I know I would like to continue working. It adds another dimension to my life in any case. There's always the option of trying one or the other and seeing what works. I'm sure you'll find your groove.
Lindsay,
Always follow your own heart and don't borrow other peoples ideas about what is right for you. The best advice is advice from someone who has been there. Time is man made, you can create anything you want for yourself in this life -- all you have to do is dream it, do it and don't overthink it:)
@Lindsay Keegan - It depends on how much money you bring in and how much family support you have. My mom raised me with no family support and no father. It was just the two of us for a long time. We were not poor, I got new clothes and most fun stuff I wanted, but we never went on vacation and I had to stop quite a few extra curricular activities over my childhood due to money (drums, piano, art classes etc). So yes people like Dina Medeiros, who posted above, can do it all, but what if you as an individual can't or don't have the ability? I say skip the kids if you don't have a strong family network and the possibility of being able to provide the financial support needed to raise a kid that will be a competative in college admissions to schools like Harvard, Yale etc.
Lindsay - I understand how you feel. When I had my first child I needed to work but by the time I had my second we could make it on one income but there would not be anything extra for all the fun stuff we wanted to do with the kids. We wanted to travel with them and show them the world. They wanted to dance and play soccer. I have always enjoyed the field I am in so I continued to work. I think because I worked when I was at home I really enjoyed being a mom and running kids to friends houses or to practices etc. The weekends always belonged to the family. I do not have any regrets and I think we did well. My kids are now 21 and 16 and they are the best.
I am sure you will find your way when the time comes. It is good you are thinking about it. Remember your decisions do not need to be written in stone. You can always go back to work if you miss it.
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