On Improving Your Relationship With Your Mom

In honor of Mother’s Day, today’s post is about improving your relationship with your mom.

Of all relationships with anyone in my whole life, the one with my mother is the most complicated and the most difficult. No one has helped shape who I am today more than my mom. No one can frustrate me as much as my mom. No one brings out the worst in me like my mom. And yet perhaps no one loves me as much as my mom. She has always insisted on this last point – that no one will love me as much as she does. I don’t know. I don’t currently have children. Maybe she’s right. Maybe when I have my own children, I will think the same about them.

My relationship with her is a work in progress. It has most definitely improved over the past ten years. I’ve come to see that she does not hate me and do things just to annoy, frustrate, and embarrass me. I now understand that she does what she does because she loves me. When I was a teenager, I was convinced that she hated me. I blamed her for all of my faults and well, just about everything wrong in my life. And now, there is nothing in this world that I am more certain of than her love for me.

Below I offer my suggestions on improving your relationship with your mother. These are tips that I have personally implemented and have worked for me. Like I said, my relationship with her is a work in progress, so please feel free to comment and add your own advice.

Move out of Mom’s house.
Moving out began the significant transition from being a child to becoming an adult. It changed the dynamic of our relationship from parent-child to adult-adult. Obviously, the transition took some time, but moving out was a critical step. It gave me distance, allowed me to explore the world, and gave me a chance to figure out my own rules.

Call Mom regularly. Don’t wait for her to call first.
Admittedly, I’m at fault on this one. Mom is almost always the one to call me. I hardly initiate the phone calls. But, when I do, it helps. It helps because she knows that I’m thinking of her. Somehow, this small action alone brightens her day and her mood, so our conversations are consequently more pleasant.

Treat Mom as a regular human being.
One of the major turning points during my transition from child to adult was treating my mom less as a parent and more as a regular human being. As a child, I looked up to my mom; I think all children do. She was my protector and the source of all worldly wisdom. As a child, I had put her up on a pedestal. Growing up meant that I mentally removed her from that pedestal. She is not a super being. She is just a regular human being. Her shortcomings should not be subject to more intense scrutiny than others.

Accept Mom for who she is.
I would love to change my mother. Get rid of all the things about her that drive me insane. But, if I did, then she wouldn’t be my mother. I am exactly who I am today because she is exactly the way she is. If I am to love myself for who I am, then I am to love her for who she is.

Accept Mom’s love.
Believing that she hated me when I was younger was equivalent to rejecting her love. Not accepting her love was very hurtful to her. It motivated her to do even more to show her love, which typically exasperated me even more. But my acceptance of her love has greatly improved our relationship. I am more forgiving of her antics like giving me less than 24 hour notice for a weekend visit, because I know that she only visits those she loves.

Give yourself all that you seek, but can’t get from Mom.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have a mother who gives her children everything they want from a mother. Sometimes we desperately want our mother’s approval, acceptance, or support. Sometimes getting that approval is simply not a reality. In that case, I suggest that you give yourself that approval instead of waiting on her. Give yourself the hug and warmth that you are missing.

Communicate with Mom by first acknowledging and appreciating her.
My mother is big on offering unsolicited advice. She always means well. She wants to help. But her ideas often conflict with my own. I’ve learned that the best way to deal with this is to always first acknowledge and appreciate her efforts. Begin the conversation with, “Thanks for offering to help Mom. I appreciate it. I understand that we both want the wedding to be beautiful. But…”

Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries is typically a good piece of advice in any relationship. Figure out what your needs are for personal space and set them. For me, physical boundaries work best; I can’t live too close to Mom.

Love Mom.
Give your mom your own approval and acceptance of her as a mother. Tell her she did a good job raising you. Offer a sympathetic ear when needed. Offer warmth and laughter. Offer her your companionship. Of all things in the world, I bet the one thing she wants from you is simply your time.