ACT I: Like finding a horrible family secret in the attic and dusting it off

When I was a co-op at a company in college, they promoted me to team lead. The first person who would report to me was another co-op, close to my own age. He seemed fine enough as I showed him the ropes, if a little quiet which I just attributed to timidity or nervousness in his first few days at work.

So a few days in he had developed something and was ready to add it to the project. I took a look and let him know that I found some errors, and could he please get them fixed and then resend them to me. This actually happened a couple of times back and forth, which was somewhat disconcerting, although not entirely surprising considering our inexperience. No harsh words were said by either of us during these exchanges, it was purely a technical discussion (or so I thought).

Then to my surprise I had a talk with my manager (male) and my project manager (female) where my manager let both of us know that there was a problem. The co-op had talked to him and told him that things weren’t working out. He hadn’t told my project manager or myself anything was wrong, so we were sort of blindsided. So we agreed to work on communication and try to get any issues resolved.

I started adding some formality to my requests, to document what I was asking and how I was asking for it. We kept running into problems. Honestly, I started to think that the guy was just dumb and that’s why he didn’t seem to get it. Finally, in another meeting with my manager and project manager, my project manager suggested that maybe he didn’t like taking direction from me because I’m a girl. And so is she, which is why she also got nowhere. But he seemed comfortable enough with our manager.

So our manager took over and all work with this co-op went through him. Luckily he was only there for a couple of months so it wasn’t a huge deal. However, I was completely shocked by this. Of course, I still don’t know if this is why he was weird with us. But I was even shocked by the possibility that these sorts of things existed anymore. I thought we had moved past that, especially among youth!

ACT II: This is how it starts when someone says “He seemed like such a nice guy, I never thought he would do something like this.”

It was awhile in my career before I encountered anything like that before. By awhile I mean a few years, which is huge considering I’m 24. I had graduated and was working full time under a guy who managed three projects for one customer and 4 developers. I had worked under him the longest, with that customer the most and already sub-managed one of the projects. When he gave notice, by all accounts I was next in line for his job (barring some better outsider coming in).

Except I didn’t get it. I got told by the HR person that it was because I was a girl and young. I got told by the owner of the company that it was because I was a girl and young. So it went to another developer on my team, who was a guy and older and, therefore, more experienced overall. However, he had no experience in the technologies we used or our projects and had been on our team the least amount of time. I would still sub-manage my project.  I was told that I would need to train him.

This guy knew I was in line for the promotion and that he was on shaky ground. While we’d never been really buddy-buddy, he got more standoffish still. I definitely did nothing to “train him”. He didn’t ask for it and I was not about to go up to him and start telling him how to do things. I didn’t know exactly what would happen if I did, but I knew it wouldn’t be good.

A couple of days in he sent me an email, a couple of lines suggesting that I change how I was doing something in my project.  Technical stuff.  So I sent an email back saying that was a good idea, but that there was a benefit to doing it the current way, so I wasn’t sure a change was the way to go.  We sent a couple of emails back and forth that were completely technical (or so I thought … sound familiar?)  Seriously, there was no name-calling or horrible insinuations, just a technical discussion about something that’s really trivial. 

So then he comes over to my desk.  I assume he’s there to discuss the email but I’m not expecting it to be a big deal.  I’m really just thinking that he’s going to explain it to me better in person.  Except he doesn’t explain anything about the email. 

He comes up about 2 inches away, his face was reddish and sweating.  He sort of leaned over me in a way that made me lean back.  He asked me what my problem was? through clenched teeth.  I was sort of freaked out but not really through processing what was happening, so I was like, there’s no problem, I was just saying that … and then started talking technical but stammering. 

That’s when I noticed he was breathing hard.  We talk back and forth and at some point he said that he “commands” me to do it.  Then I said that I wasn’t going to discuss it anymore right now.  He was really freaking me out and I just wanted to get away from him.  Actually there are a few guys he or we could have gone and talked to who probably could’ve calmed the thing down, but they were out at an industry conference.

Anyways, he goes over to the owner of the company, who is in a meeting, so he stands there seething outside the door.  At this point I’m shaking (seriously, this guy had crazy in his eyes) and I go to someone high up who was sort of a mentor to me.  I show her the emails and ask her what to do.  She says, don’t do anything, take a walk outside, let it go.  So I do.  I walk around the block.  I start crying.  One of my colleagues comes out and walks with me for a little bit.  I hated that I was crying in front of him, but I couldn’t help it.

Basically the guy ended up talking with the owner, telling him that I was being rude and ridiculous in all sorts of ways and that he couldn’t work with him, it was either him or me.  The owner talked with me and with my colleague to try to figure out what the hell happened.  Honestly, I didn’t even tell him “my side”, I was too upset.  I didn’t show him the emails or tell him anything that was said.  I just said that I wasn’t rude and he should do whatever he thought was best.

Well, he ended up putting me in charge of the team, and was going to have the other guy work on another team.  When he told the other guy, he said sure, walked out and sent an email saying that he quit and walked out in the middle of the day.

ACT III: When the paths of men and women at work diverge

When I got pregnant and started to feel some of the effects dragging my career, I felt indignant.  Later, my therapist said it best. When men get married and have babies, their esteem raises in the eyes of their colleagues and employers. But when women get married and have babies, their esteem is lowered.

My husband saw this happen, in addition to hanging out with the young, recent grads, he could also fit in better with the older, more established guys about fatherhood and families. His career improved at the same time, I know in part to all of his hard work and value, but still.

I was in that management position over 3 developers and myself when I found out I was pregnant. Soon after I shared this news I started to hear murmurs that made me uncomfortable. I told them I was only taking a short leave, but it was a big thing: Who would take over when I was gone (and maybe for longer if I didn’t want to come back)? Maybe we should start moving responsibilities over now and finish up my work sooner. And there was certainly no slack for coming late (despite the fact that I only got a couple hours of sleep and was vomiting that morning) - it was on the same level as someone who just slept in.

I worked my ass off.  I worked up until the day I went into labor, and if you’ve ever weighed as much as an elephant and had morning sickness (which is actually more like all-the-time sickness), you’ll know how hard that was.  I started working from home at 5 weeks which is crazy early.  I moved hell and high water to come in for a week when our clients visited, including pumping in my career, driving home and back to nurse, and even having my dad bring the baby up so I could nurse him once.

I started coming in half-time working from home half-time, which turned into more like 3/4 time and sometimes full time in the office.  This was really stretching it for me already.  My baby kept getting sick for no reason, but since I was working all day, we wouldn’t find out until night (plus that’s when it gets worse anyways) and we took him to the ER three Friday’s in the span of a couple of months.  It was horrible.  Plus the pumping 2-3 times a day was really taking it’s toll on me.  Also, despite the commonly advertised 6 week old baby sleeping through the night, mine was not.  In fact, since I was working, he started reverse cycling.  This means the baby wakes up often and nurses all night long since he misses mama during the day.  So I was completely dead tired.

I was told that I needed to start coming in full time at  around 3 months - no more special treatment.  All my work was getting done so there was no particular reason, just that they didn’t like it.  Well, this is understandable and certainly it’s their prerogative.  Except I wasn’t going to do it.  So I resigned, giving 3 weeks notice. 

It would have been nice to hear what other moms heard, about how they understood and family comes first, etc.  I didn’t expect that here, but I did expect a certain level of professionalism.  Instead, I was told that I was ungrateful and immature and that what goes around comes around.  After all, with the high turnover at the company, the client would be annoyed that I was leaving too.  And after he had let me work from home (despite the fact that I kept the client incredibly happy, more than anyone else could have),  I should just stay no matter what.  Even though I said in the letter I was leaving to stay with my son, he did not mention him.  Ever.

Final Act: When I forge my own path

So where am I now?  Now I work a couple of days a week on a contract basis with a company.  I’ve done this with this company and a couple of others ever since I quit.  Staying with my son (most of the time) has been amazing.  He’s healthy and happy and we’re still nursing strong (yay, us).

I’m also getting ramped up with my blog and expanding into a full-fledged (if part time) business.  Despite the setbacks mentioned above, most of my career has been great and I’ve had some amazing successes along the way.  I plan to share my secrets with other young professionals so that they can land their dream job, win that promotion or negotiate that raise.  If this sounds like you, subscribe so that you’ll get notified when the program launches.

As soon as I posted this I went over to Google Reader and found this about sexual bias in a professional conference.