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Are Generation Y women going to be able to have it all? Having it all typically refers to having a happy family alongside a prestigious career. The general Generation Y consensus seems to be that we can like here.
Before I had my son, I was sure that I was going to have it all. My grandmothers did not have it all, they may have worked some, but mostly focused on their families. My mothers didn’t have it all, they had careers but their families fell apart and we were often delegated to nannies or video games (the other kind of nanny). Yes, ‘mothers’ was plural since my parents did divorce early and get remarried, which is pretty common I guess.
So I’m not sure why I thought I’d be able to have it all in the face of all that not-having-it-all. Maybe it was just the fact that I had seen where they had failed and would be able to learn from their mistakes and do it right. Or maybe it was something about how technology was changing our workplaces. Most likely it was just the feeling of invincibility that is youth.
This charade continued through getting married and purchasing our first house and through the first 8 months of my pregnancy. Up until that point, my plan was to take 6 weeks of maternity leave and then return to work full time, leaving the baby with a nanny. Well, I didn’t get any maternity leave, so the time off was actually in the form of vaction time + sick time + a week of unpaid leave.
At the ninth month I realized I had a problem. I dreaded going to work. One problem was the huge belly and frequent trips up and down the hall to the bathroom. The other problem was nesting. All I wanted to do was stay at home and cook and clean and prepare the baby’s stuff (even though I hardly had the energy for anything).
It was an oddly strong draw. It’s NOT like when you wanted to stay home and hang with your boyfriend or stay home and work on a project or stay home and sleep. It’s like you either MUST BE DOING IT or you will be miserable.
However, I kept working, so I was miserable. I worked up until Friday, January 18th. That night, I went into labor.
The next morning my son was born at 9:02 am. Warning: I’m about to go into slightly graphic, slightly hippie talk. Right as I pushed him out, I experienced something amazing. It was like the beauty of motherhood and generations of mothers birthing babies came crashing down on me. It was euphoric.
Then I fell into postpartum depression. Except I didn’t know it was postpartum depression because when you’re in a room that’s dark, you don’t really know that it’s dark or that it’s brighter outside. Plus you can’t see the door.
Despite this, I started working again at 5 weeks postpartum, full time, from home. Of course, to accomplish this I had to have a full time nanny. I also ended up working more like 50 hours a week start to finish because of the breaks I’d take for breastfeeding. This is a HORRIBLE idea. Don’t do it. I’m sure (now that I’m out of it) that the only reason this seemed ok at the time was because of the depression. (Actually, early return-to-work is a warning sign of postpartum depression.) My baby kept getting sick, I kept getting sick. While not directly related to me working, things in our house were not in harmony.
TRUTH #1: Mothers and babies are designed to be together. We are designed to be together, so babies can nurse around the clock, so they get enough nutrition and grow like they are supposed to. We are designed to be together while we sleep, so our biological rhythms keep theirs in sync and they don’t die of SIDS. We are designed to be together because between the nursing and the night-wakings, new mother’s barely have the energy to do anything else anyways. If you choose NOT to be together because of work, then you and the baby will suffer in multiple ways, some obvious, some not.
Our financial plan completely accounted for me working too. My husband and I made approximately 50/50 split. When everything is working “ok” with one amount, cutting that amount in half is a big problem. I wanted to quit and stay at home. I talked to so many working moms who wanted to quit and stay at home. We said we wanted to but we just couldn’t. Apparently, we didn’t have the money. That’s BS though, 99% of the time.
TRUTH #2: Most moms CAN be stay at home moms
The thing is, most everyone who has a working husband CAN be a stay at home. Tons of people live on $40K or $60K or whatever. I have heard of one mom who’s husband made $10 an hour and one mom who’s husband had been unemployed for awhile - yeah, they couldn’t stay at home. For most moms, though, who complain that they wish they could stay home, they can.
Even moms (like me) who planned on returning to work usually change their minds by the time the baby arrives. Some, though, would rather be working even if they have the option to stay at home. I know of one such new mother who works in a good professional job. So does her husband, so the baby goes to daycare. Here’s what the schedule looks like: Baby wakes up around 6 am, get the baby ready for daycare and drop her off. Pick baby up around 6 pm, baby is so exhausted that she goes home and falls asleep. Repeat.
So basically, they’ve got self-imposed weekend visitation rights to their own baby. Their daughter started acting out once at day-care, stealing other kids’ blankets or something. The daycare mentioned it to the parents and asked them to “work on it” or something. What are they going to do in their limited time with her? That’s the problem isn’t it, the daycare people see the child more than the parents.
TRUTH #3: If you work full time or more, someone else is raising your child
I’m not trying to pass judgement if this seems like a good idea to you. My point is that it doesn’t seem like a good idea to me, but I didn’t fully realize the implications of sticking my kid into daycare until I actually came face to face with him.
When you’re thinking about having kids and thinking about how you’re going to put him in daycare, consider why it is that you even want kids in the first place. For me, it’s to raise him and enjoy his company. Neither of those are conducive to putting him in daycare.
Not everyone wants to have kids and I’m totally fine with that. Actually, I respect that more, than having kids and pawning them off one someone else. If you want a part-time kid, become a Big Sister or something. If you choose to have kids, it’s a full time for SOMEONE whether you do it or pay someone else to do it. When you have a kid, it’s way less about whether or not work is fulfilling for you and way more about the fact that a child needs their mother to be around, a lot, and not on her blackberry.
Amber,
I recently returned to part time work (from home) after more than seven years home with kids. I had planned to work after my daughter's birth in 2001 but felt like leaving her, even for the part time flexible arrangement I had worked out in advance, was not going to work for me. Although it's not possible or desirable for all women to make the choice to stay home full time, your thoughts and ideas definitely resonate with me.
What is the end of your story? How did you find your way through the PPD? Are you home full time now? How is it working for you?
I didn't realize until I started back to work how much I had missed it. It is almost like the smart, capable part of me disappeared for awhile. Please don't misunderstand me, I would never trade the years I have had to focus on my daughters while they are young (I have three, and my youngest is nearing 2 and a half.) Now that they are becoming more independent, though, working again is fantastic.
Good for you for making a decision that was right for you. Why criticize the path that others have taken to get help raising their child from someone who knows more about early childhood education by looking at school or daycare for their child? Every family has to make the decision themselves on how their new family dynamics will work.
Amber,
I'm a product of full-time daycare and two parents who always worked full time. My mother was fortunate enough to have a year's maternity leave (different country, but it would be nice if that was possible here in the US), but I did start daycare at 1 yr old. No one met me at home when I got home from elementary school, from day 1 (again, different country, different social rules), which taught me a measure of self reliance. All of this was normal and acceptable in the country where I grew up. Very few kids had stay-at-home moms, although some had grandparents who were already retired and could help out.
This is not to say I didn't get terribly homesick any time I was at sleep-away camp and later, when I moved out of my parents' home.
My parents always made an effort in the evening and on the weekends to spend time with me - playing, reading books, museum trips as I got older, nature walks, skating, swimming, etc. I adore, love, and respect both my parents and don't feel the least bit neglected.
As a mother now myself, I fully understand that pull you describe to stay home with my child, especially at the beginning. It surprised me, as I had no intention of not returning to work before I gave birth.
Going back to work was hard. I felt guilty for leaving my child, even though she was with those I trust most: at first my mother, then my father, and then my mother-in law. We stumbled through with relatives helping out until my daughter was 5 months old. Then we had to get a nanny and she started daycare at 9 months. Slowly, going back to work got easier and I do feel as if I've reclaimed something of myself.
I still don't have the option of not working full time, and frankly, at this point, I don't want to stay home. I spend all my free time in the evenings and on the weekends with my daughter. Her TV time is extremely limited and I try to always have her near me to talk about her day or watch her color or whatever, even if I'm in the middle of getting dressed or dinner preparation. Quite often I can get her to "help" with the cooking by stirring this or that. (She's 3 1/2.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that in those few evening hours, weekends, and holidays that we have together with our children we can provide enough parental love and guidance if we're sufficiently involved with our kids. We can guide them back on course if they're sliding off of it in daycare. We can provide the extra attention to their education that maybe the pre-school can't give them.
As for having someone else raise our kids, that's nothing new. The phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" goes back a loooong way. Also, why is it always the mother that HAS to stay home? Haven't we progressed enough so that after the first few months the father can get a bit more involved?
Great post, it's nice to hear from someone who has actually been through an experience detailing what worked and didn't. I hope you'll do a follow-up, I am curious how you worked through your depression or how you found a way to stay home if you see that is the right option for you.
It's deeply disturbing to me that not once did you mention THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD. Apparently, it's not really okay for women to "stick" their children into childcare because the point of having children, for women at least, is to be around them and see them. But WHAT ABOUT THE FATHERS???????? Is it okay for your husband not to "to raise him" or "enjoy his company"?
The reason that women still can't have it all is women like you. Women who insist, because that's how our society frames it, that children are entirely a woman's responsibility. This is unfair to both women and men.
In Europe, child care is seen as a necessity-- to prepare children for live in society, where they have to share and be around other people. In France, over 95% of 3-5 year olds are enrolled in free, high quality child care. The problem in the United States, as the author makes clear, is that there is no help for parents in the form of child care of parental leave.
We need to change the system, but just because the system didn't work for you, please don't subtly imply that women should feel guilty for pursuing their careers in any way. If women should feel guilty for it, so should men.
Amber, this is an outstanding post. You really throw back the curtains and bring it home for those of us who a.) want to have it all, and b.) haven't experienced motherhood yet. You made me realize that our mothers and grandmothers didn't "have it all" not because they didn't want to, but because they couldn't. And I think our peers desparately want to be the ones to have it all, and brashly believe that we are stronger than nature.
You point out that there are natural instincts that come along with child birth that our rational minds can't outreason. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't have kids, and don't plan on having them anytime soon, but you have given me a lot to think about before that time comes. I can tell you that this post has definitely impacted me.
Brava.
I really enjoyed this post Amber! You made some excellent points and provided great opinions. I too went through PPD after the birth of my son but too much crap was going on at the time to not. I focused on my son and stayed home with him on and off for about 6 months. He's 4 and has not gone to daycare yet but has been around different family memebers and their children. I teach him the basics and he watches a lot of the Sprout & PBS channels & DVDs b/c when I was young they were a great supplement to my learning. When I first had him I too had no desire to go back to work and I was breastfeeding for about 3 months b/c I was able to due to help from his grandmother.
My biggest issue was putting him in a daycare or hiring someone to watch him at such a young age. In my mind I didn't want to send him anywhere until he could talk clearly and tell me how his day went and if there were anything wrong. I am pretty protective of my kid but stories about child deaths in daycare centers and with babysitters did not help either. Plus childcare is friggin expensive so I kind of had no choice but to ask for help from family.
Another commentor asked about father involvement. Last year my fiance got laid off and since my son was still pretty young and we wouldn't have the money for daycare on just my income anyway, we decided that he would stay home with our son until he was 4 (b/c childcare at that age is free). He just turned 4 2 months ago and my fiance is itching to go back to work but it was a great experience that he says he will always treasure. So pretty much it can go both ways.
I too would like to hear how you got over your PPD & whats the scoop on your family life now. You kind of left us hanging,
=^]
@Becky Thanks for sharing your story. It's so true how motherhood changes everything, despite our best plans. As for the end of my story, I'm going to run a follow up on "work/life balance".
@Cat My intention was not actually to speak down on current mothers, but to shed light on something to to-be moms (sort of like speaking to my former self). I always assumed that I could put my kid in day-care full time and still be the primary one raising my child. After having a kid I realized that you actually can't have both, although of course it's up to each mother to make the decision that's right for her and her baby. As to finding someone better able to take care of kids, unfortunately, day cares often pay minimum wage to people not particularly qualified to care for kids.
@Anonymous Thanks for providing the input of a working-full-time mom. You sound like a fantastic mom. I like the idea of using a village to raise a child - so long as the people caring for your kids are either family, or an educator or something. Unfortunately, it often ends up being a string of college students who go in and out of the childrens' lives, which can be detrimental. As far as fatherhood involvement ... my husband is a very involved father, but is just not cut out to be a stay at home dad.
@Miles Thanks for the input, I'm going to be running a follow up (since my story was getting way too long). I hope to see you there.
@Anonymous I appreciate your input. You're right to point out that I didn't mention his father (oops! I feel terrible). My husband is an incredibly loving and supportive father to my son and husband to me. Honestly, my story was getting huge so I was having to cut cut cut. Regarding fatherhood, of course it is for every family to decide what works best for them. I do know of a few happy stay at home dads, particularly when finances work out better that way. For me, it is actually most important that my son be raised by his parents, or by a family member. For my family there is no question that I would be the one to stay home since I wanted to and my husband didn't (but wanted me to). My point really was that the traditional gender roles that are so eschewed by traditional feminists are often belied by our biology. In my case, between recovering from the birth, breastfeeding, post partum depression and my natural nesting, I had a very strong and completely unanticipated drive to stay home.
@Holly I really appreciate your input! It's great to hear that my story can have an impact. Thanks!
Amber this is a fantastic post. Like Holly I have yet to have children, but having become a newlywed, married in February, I find that my life goals have drastically shifted from being ok with working the required 50 or so hours a week that climbing the corporate ladder entails. Now I find myself "checked out" per say and thinking about being a better wife, a soon to be mom in the next year or two, and trying to think of a ways to find balance. I also think it is interesting how some comments seem to think you are being a "traditionalist" but you are just being you, and what your heart and soul is screaming at you to do. I feel very compelled that our Y generation has a VERY hard time trying to juggle what we want, how we were raised and what society expects of us.
Congrats!
Too many anonymous users to keep us straight; I'm switching to VillageMom to go with my earlier comments.
Amber, you really hit upon something that comes as a shock to most of us who think we can have it all and who fully believe that men and women can lead identical lives, equally sharing all duties - the biological pull many women experience after giving birth. With my mom's example of full time employment, devoted parent, and both kids in daycare, I never expected that I'd want to do anything differently. Yes, I wanted kids; yes, I wanted to be a devoted parent; yes, I wanted to work full time, and yes, my husband was going to be an equal partner. And then biology took over. While my husband had no problems staying with the baby an hour or so while I stepped out of the house for a little bit of sanity after nearly zero sleep because baby didn't feed properly and kept waking up and crying every time her head touched the mattress (nap when baby naps, HA! what do you do when baby doesn't nap and cries ALL the time?!), my husband also started to get really nervous as feeding time approached, 'cause, well, he just didn't have the right equipment and we decided (I decided; he argued, then nodded) bottle-feeding and formula were not an option. While I bit my tongue and did not utter a word of criticism when my husband didn't put the diaper on quite the way I would, he still didn't feel confident in the father role. And let's face it, as a mother, the other biological imperative that tells you to protect your baby also makes you distrust your mate's abilities ever so slightly. That doesn't help in building his confidence, which is why that partner you thought was going to meet you 50-50, doesn't. This is also in reply to the other anonymous post regarding why society always expects a woman to be responsible: biological reality is a lot to overcome. The good news is that it does happen. Eventually. The frustrating part is that it forces you back into gender roles you thought no longer existed.
Now, while my husband wasn't quite as helpful with the baby at first as I had hoped, he did spend some time as a stay-at-home dad (OK, not by choice), loved helping out during bath time and feeding time once we moved on to solid food, and is pretty darn reliable now, 3 years later. If we were at an 80-20 split (80 me, 20 him) for who was taking care of the baby and running the household, we're closer to a 60-40 now.
@Pamela Thanks for your comments! I definitely felt the pull to be successful in my career as my main accomplishment, whereas of course I would have kids, but they wouldn't "derail" me. So it was quite a shock to my system to find out that nothing I've done or can imagine doing in my career tops looking at my baby boy. You're right about being "traditional". I wasn't raised that way nor did I ever think that way ... before I had my kid. In my own humble way I'm redefining feminism for myself to be more... feminine :)
@VillageMom What a great reponse! You pinpointed my thoughts exactly and said them even better, love it!
Te tone and the conclusions sound awfully judgmental, even bashing mothers who really do have to work to maintain a decent, safe lifesytle for their families.
Your approach seems to be all or nothing, but what I've learned in 9 months of parenting is that balance is the key. Here is my story. I'm an attorney. Before getting pregnant I established my own practice, in an area that does not involve court hearings. We live debt free, and only one income is necessary. We are older parents (Generation X), and got our financial house and careers in order before our son arrived. While pregnant, I reduced my hours to part-time, and after he was born I took 6 weeks off before slowly getting back to 15-20 hours a week. We have a lovely nanny who comes to our home while I draft client papers, she is here 8 to 12 hours a week. During that time my son can see me, we interact, and I'm here if he needs me. I see clients at night and one weekends, and while I'm away my husband cares for him. Yes, my husband. Just as others wrote, why didn't you mention the baby's father. Mother's can have it all as long as they have a loving and supportive husband. With a little bit of planning, discipline, and creativity I enjoy the wonder of raising my son, and he gets to have a mom with a career. Women fought the right to get an education, especially in my field, we don't have to revert to the 1950s, we just have to be creative and have parents who work as a team and see each other as equals. I've found that women who would rather be nesting are women who don't have a career they are passionate about. Women can, as I know, have it all.
@Anonymous I'm definitely promote an all or nothing approach, in fact, I have worked both full time and part time. As I mentioned, the part time was way too much for me, at least while my son is so young. Right now I've been doing two days a week of work and it has been a great balance. Every so often I wish I worked more or less, but most often I'm happy this way so we're leaving it this way for now. I think the key is that:
a) There is nothing wrong with taking a little break from work while your children are young. It doesn't mean you're not passionate about your work or focused on your career, it just means that as much as you care about that, you care about staying with your kids more.
b) More importantly, you can absolutely stay up to date and active in your field while you spend most of your time with your kids. It's a constant struggle with how much time to spend here or there, but it's worth it (to me).
c) I'm surprised by the number of comments on my husband. He's great but for a large amount of time, the baby could only be away from mom for a couple of hours (due to needing to nurse). Now that he's getting older he is going on outings with daddy. He does better with set "activities" like taking him to a music class or something, rather than just hanging out doing errands or something. He would fully support me working full time if I said I wanted to.
However, he prefers if I stay home which is great for me. He also prefers that when he is not working, we all get to spend time as a family. We -mostly- do that except for the few times a week that he goes out alone with baby. They also get time together alone at bathtime while mama takes a shower each night. Of course, father's are responsible for their children too, but in my eyes that's totally irrelevant to a mother's pull between career and motherhood.
I admire you for being able to come to these conclusions about yourself. Clearly, your ideals and plans have shifted significantly in the last 6 months and you are on a completely different course than you thought you'd be on. It's great to be able to write about it, to be able to share that with other women, to let them know that changing their minds about this stuff is ok, the PPD happens, that parenting is hard work and comes with lots of real decisions.
The issue I have with your post is that you are speaking as though this is the truth for all mothers, all women, everywhere. You keep placing everyone in the same mold. I know you repeatedly said in the comments that you think every family has to make their own decisions, but it seems pretty clear to me that you are looking down your nose at any Mom who works full time.
The judgment is really what bothers me. Why tear other women down for their choices? Some women aren't cut out to be stay at home mom's either. Just ask P. Trunk, right?
As someone who is contemplating when to start a family and the logistics of what that means for our budget and schedules, I really enjoy reading the storied of people who have just navigated those waters. What I really don't appreciate is someone self-imposing their "truths" onto families everywhere.
@melissa In regards to PT, for one she is somewhat of the extreme case of career woman, being a high profile entrepreneur and blogger. However, even she says that it was so important to stay at home that she did it for 4 years and lived at the poverty line in order to do it. So I don't think even she was immune to the pull.
Although, she is right about the fact that some women fit right into the domesticity, some don't. It doesn't mean it's not best for the children to have their mother's around, especially when they're very young. As a very logical, left-brained business person, I found the move to stay at home mom a little shocking (as many do). I adjusted and we're all doing great now.
The point of this article is to share my experience, as someone who is in Generation Y (who once was entirely gung-ho about a full time career) with the BC population, who mostly don't have children yet. While not for eveyone, I hear -virtually every new mom- wanting to stay at home with their kids (in person, in books, in magazines, in forums, etc). This is in stark contrast to the idealistic theorizing about work-life balance I find in some young pre-baby female bloggers.
Ironically, if anything I intended this as more of a slam at them (trying to tell it how it is, before they know how it is), than at other moms just trying to figure it all out.
I liked your article and say there is a way to make it as a stay-at-home mom. I personally don't have children yet, but I have 3 friends who have done just that. It does take a bit of planning and financial consideration but they each have at least 2 children and 1 income.
If you really want to stay at home, you have to decide what is important to lose. What a few of my friends found was that they were ACTUALLY saving money by staying at home.
When you calculate the child care (which is the major cost), gas, parking and transportation, lunch out and the morning coffees, and the stress of managing a professional and personal life---it ended up being even. What they were making ended up going towards what they were spending money on to be able work.
They are happier than trying to balance work and motherhood and in fact, "have it all".
Thanks!
You are completely right, depending on what you make and factoring all the expenses of work, it can sometimes even be cheaper to stay at home, which is mind-blowing.
For me, this was not the case and it was a significant financial loss to stay at home. My dad actually told me "you make too much to stay at home", which is funny to me. Even then, I see a lot of moms with a house and two car payments, etc, etc and then say "I can't afford to stay at home." which really just means they can't afford to stay at home and maintain that quality of life. That's OK it's just - tell it like it is, you know.
Amber,
The great thing about this post is that it has given us a great forum to put our ideas about motherhood out there, and it has helped me with my project that I'm working on (so thanks;).
What's interesting, and what no one has mentioned is that women have been multi-tasking work with motherhood for centuries. Now we call "career" or "work" or "jobs" but back then it was "making soap" or "tending the farm" or "scaling fish" or "turning butter" or whatever those activities were, whether they were "domestic" or "out on the field" that women needed to do, particularly low-income women, in order to keep their families going - on top of being a "full-time mom" who is both "there" and "present" for her child. Women, particularly in Africa, to this day multi-task entreprenuership with raising their families. Multi-tasking as mothers is not a NOVELTY, nor is it MODERN.
We just have different ways of "classifying" and "categorizing" the "work" that we do.
I have a 2 year old daughter and she is as energentic and as spunky as they come. And I love her just the way she is. I try to keep her "with me" everywhere I go, with everything I do, and I try my hardest to let her know that she is loved, and that I do always have time for her.
However, it's okay if I need "a break." It's okay to want and to have a rewarding career. It's okay to aspire to be a full-time worker, and a full-time mother.
The trouble is in the labeling, and the categorizing. I hope each woman finds what is right for her and her family.
Cheers to every woman's right to choose her own livelyhood. And cheers to you for having come to your own decision.
May you and your family be blessed,
Mery
Amber,
The great thing about this post is that it has given us a great forum to put our ideas about motherhood out there, and it has helped me with my project that I'm working on (so thanks;).
What's interesting, and what no one has mentioned is that women have been multi-tasking work with motherhood for centuries. Now we call "career" or "work" or "jobs" but back then it was "making soap" or "tending the farm" or "scaling fish" or "turning butter" or whatever those activities were, whether they were "domestic" or "out on the field" that women needed to do, particularly low-income women, in order to keep their families going - on top of being a "full-time mom" who is both "there" and "present" for her child. Women, particularly in Africa, to this day multi-task entreprenuership with raising their families. Multi-tasking as mothers is not a NOVELTY, nor is it MODERN.
We just have different ways of "classifying" and "categorizing" the "work" that we do.
I have a 2 year old daughter and she is as energentic and as spunky as they come. And I love her just the way she is. I try to keep her "with me" everywhere I go, with everything I do, and I try my hardest to let her know that she is loved, and that I do always have time for her.
However, it's okay if I need "a break." It's okay to want and to have a rewarding career. It's okay to aspire to be a full-time worker, and a full-time mother.
The trouble is in the labeling, and the categorizing. I hope each woman finds what is right for her and her family.
Cheers to every woman's right to choose her own livelyhood. And cheers to you for having come to your own decision.
May you and your family be blessed,
Mery
Amber,
I loved this post and all of the comments. I am looking at this from a very different perspective. I have three grown children 28, 27 and 20 and look back on my years raising my kids as a wild and fulfilling personal growth experience. I truly believe that "Having it all" lies in the eye of the beholder. If what you are doing fills your soul, makes you feel good and you know you are on the right path what else would you want.
For me, "having it all" is really just a matter of perspective. I always worked outside the home throughout my motherhood years at various degrees of intensity. The guilt of not being at home with my kids sometimes got the better of me and I found different ways of making my contribution outside the home. Every part of my journey of motherhood has been a lesson in who I am, what I want and where I am not true to myself and my values. I worked full time with a nanny, owned my own business and worked more than full time, I worked part time and I worked casual. Whenever I would sit in judgment of myself as not being good enough or felt guilty about my choices, it was another lesson in being true to myself. "Having it all" for me is about living fully each and every moment of my day whether at my job, with my kids, with my friends or where ever I may be- what else could I want.
I would invite you to visit my blog that addresses "in the moment" tools which help people find ways to quiet their mind chatter and live more authentically in the moments of their day. Motherhood is all about loving the moments because I have to say, I don't know where the time has gone, my children have moved on in their own lives and I am fully in mine. Hopefully, soon - GRANDCHILDREN!! then I get a whole new adventure.
Thanks everyone for an inspirational opportunity to get to know you.
Gerrianne
Okay, returning to work full time at 5 weeks post-partum is an insane idea. So is drastically increasing your cost of living (like buying a house) right before you have a baby.
What's a "Truth" when your child is a nursing infant is a completely different reality for a mother of a preschooler or school-age children. Babies don't stay small for very long; therefore, *MOST* mothers are not mothers of newborns but of older children.
We don't all need to make huge long-term financial sacrifices to stay home. Working full-time while your child is in a high-quality preschool/daycare (or in school!) doesn't make someone a "part-time parent." Teachers are not "raising your child."
I took 1 year maternity leave with the first baby and 18 months with the second. This was right for me. Now I have a decent-paying job with potential for advancement. We bought a house in a school district we're very happy with, in time for the older one to go to kindergarten.
With growing kids in the house, everything is constantly changing. The TRUTH about motherhood is a moving target.
Returning to work after 5 weeks postpartum is DEFINITELY an insane idea. I'm pretty sure the only reason it happened was because of the PPD. I now know it's actually a warning sign. Despite this, I meet many pregnant and new moms who go back after what they consider to be the "standard" 6 weeks.
I already had my house when I got pregnant, but I agree that taking on big expenses before having a baby is not a good idea.
I especially like your line about the truths about motherhood being a moving target.
I love all the discussion on this topic. It seems like everyone is carefully considering what motherhood requires of women today. In my most recent blog post at LeaderTalk, I am asking the question "What is a mom's most important work?" I would love to have you come over and share your thoughts.
http://mountainstate.typepad.com/leadership/2009/05/leadership-lessons-f...
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