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Last week sucked. I unknowingly made some people upset while I was dealing with this new thing called mourning. And they told me about it. So yesterday I apologized.
Wait, I should probably say it this way: Yesterday I apologized, profusely.
I didn't want to, it was really hard but I did it anyways. And I meant it.
It all started when I created something I honestly believed to be thoughtful. It was heartfelt and raw and I decided to share it with someone I thought would appreciate it like I did. I gave it away in the same spirit in which it was created, heartfelt and raw. The person who received it, looked over it and thought it was distasteful. Their reaction was unexpected and kind of public. I was hurt. Actually, I was really hurt. And then I apologized.
In my book, acts of apology are right up there with acts of kindness. One of the most difficult social situations is standing in front of the person who you feel has done you wrong. An even more difficult situation is saying 'I'm so, so sorry' to that very same person. Go for the gold and choose the latter.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't always feel this way. I used to be someone who was driven by the need to prove something more than I was the need to solve something. I guess the older you get, the more you need to face the truth--and the truth is that oftentimes you have a moment, a single moment, to make someone feel better. There are no dress rehearsals. The person that you let walk away angry will inevitably affect many more people with that same energy. You have to understand that it's bigger than you. Much bigger...
Apologizing is a completely selfless act--it's saying out loud 'I know my power and I refuse to exploit it!'
I didn't feel like I did anything wrong. I still don't, but an apology is not so much an admission of guilt as it is an acknowledgment of responsibility. The distinction is crucial. Even though you may not have caused the distress, you have the ability to grant a reprieve.
Yeah I know what they say, it doesn't change things. Sometimes sorry just isn't enough, but sometimes it is. Nothing can ever change the past, but a great apologyhas the ability to rewrite tomorrow.
After all, the last thing you want to do is spend all your time defending yourself instead of just being yourself.
How many times have you apologized today?
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Comments
04.13.09
Mom and Dad still have the definitive word on this: "If you really meant it, don't apologize. If you do, it makes you look easily intimidated by others' disapproval and will lead to you getting bullied by other people's sense of right and wrong."
04.13.09
I'm with Jrandom 42 on that one. Sometimes, people rather just bully you into apologizing (if they think they can get it) insted of just accepting that you are a person with a different perspective. I don't think people should apologize "lightly" especially if they don't feel they did anything wrong (or just to make someone feel better - it's almost like pandering, to me). If you offended someone and they tell you, that's different.
I'm not sure apologizing has much of an affect - particularly if you aren't forgiven.
04.13.09
@JRandom and Raven--Thanks for the comments! I think the fundamental area that we disagree in is that apologizing is not admitting that you've done something wrong.
Apologies don't have to speak directly to your point of view. You can still maintain your perspective and deliver a quality apology. It's more of an acknowledgement that the offense occured (and in my post, I'm speaking more of being offensive than just general disagreement).
I'm not worried about looking easily intimidated for calling a spade a spade. I don't intend to piss people off. If I have pissed someone off, I am sorry. And don't mind saying it.
Jrandom, you do have a point that some people's sense of right and wrong is skewed. For instance I would never apologize for being black or being a woman, etc. You have to know yourself well enough to know which situations are applicable.
04.13.09
If you said it and meant it, there's no real good reason to apologize to someone who was offended by it. All I would say is, "This is what I believe and feel. Apparently you feel differently."
It's not your job to please other people and apologize for saying what you think and feel is true. It certainly isn't mine. If they're offended by what I truly think and feel, then apologizing for saying it isn't going to change their minds about me. If it pissed them off, so be it. We can agree to disagree and leave it at that. If they're going to attack me personally for it, I'll just simply cut them off.
04.13.09
When you take another look at it (whatever it is), can you see why someone might have found it distasteful? Did they tell you why? I can see apologizing for sending them something that offended them, but a friend should be able to accept that you sent it in a particular context.
At the same time, it's important to note that other people do not share your context, simply because they aren't you. And they should be able to point that out.
Did the other person apologize, in turn, for the public criticism? That would also seem to be warranted.
04.13.09
Jrandom42 comments stated exactly how I feel. An apology to me is something you say when you have done something wrong (I’m not sure why else you would say you are sorry). I do not believe in apologizing if I feel that I have done nothing wrong. Some people love to see what they can get away and if you keep catering to them by apologizing when you shouldn’t, you are encouraging this type of behavior.
04.13.09
This whole discussion is interesting to me because I can never decide whether to say "sorry" or not for things, and I have been told I say "sorry" too much, which can be a sign of weakness!
We are just a big "I'm sorry" culture. "I'm sorry" means so many things more than just "I'm sorry," and you know, maybe that's OK. I agree with Kiersten that "I'm sorry" can mean more. It can mean "I am sad you are hurt or are troubled." I'm kind of over the hard-and-fast rule that "I'm sorry" is only for when you do something you are sorry about, although I think it's a good general rule.
Well, it seems like there are not clear-cut rules, so I'll follow my own and at least work on not saying sorry when I know for sure it is not necessary. Thanks for the great post/discussion. I would apologize for rambling, but I don't think I will this time:)
04.13.09
@JRandom--It's not always apologizing for WHAT was said, but HOW it was said. As the communicator you're not only responsible for how your message is delivered, and in turn, how it was recieved. It's an accountability thing.
@Kate--Yeah they did explain it, and I could see why they found it distasteful. In the end, the things that offend them are different from the things that offend me. I could totally accept that and then apologize. And no, they didn't apologize in return. They felt like a public forum was okay. And even more than that, they felt like they were right...hence, why I wrote this post. No one's 'right' is more important than the next.
@LaTosha--I can see your point. Some people do like to take advantage of an apology, but most people don't. Of course, I can only speak from my own encounters.
@Ellie--I don't think your rambling hurt anyone's feelings so great job on not apologizing LOL! I think it's interesting how 'I'm sorry' can be perceived as a sign of weakness. I wonder if that's changing with all the corruption around us. I bet 'I'm sorry' will soon be protocol!
04.13.09
Kiersten,
I'm responsible for speaking the truth about what I believe, think and feel in a courteous manner. I have absolutely no control or responsibility to decide on how it's received by someone else.
If I've done my part in taking responsibility for what I say and how I say it, then it's the other person's responsibility to hear it, and make their own conclusions, of which I have no control over.
If they don't like what I've said or are offended by how I've said it, I have no responsibility to them to unoffend them for either the delivery or the content.
04.13.09
@JRandom42, who determines what is courteous, though?
04.13.09
According to Merriam Webster's Online:
Main Entry:cour·te·ous
Pronunciation:\ˈkər-tē-əs, British also ˈkȯr-\
Function:adjective
Etymology:Middle English corteis, from Anglo-French curteis, from curt
Date:13th century
1 : marked by polished manners, gallantry, or ceremonial usage of a court
2 : marked by respect for and consideration of others
synonyms see civil
— cour·te·ous·ly adverb
— cour·te·ous·ness noun
04.13.09
@JRandom, that's the definition of the term, not the application of that term to behavior!
Suppose you think you're being courteous, but the other person doesn't? Who's right?
04.13.09
You mean, if I think I am, but someone disagrees? Is there a right? Since I can't control what the other person thinks and perceives, all I can do is exercise courtesy as I see and feel it.
If they don't think it's courteous enough, and I was as courteous as I could be, do I have to apologize for not being able to do something beyond what I could? I don't think so.
I've always been fairly blunt and plain spoken most of my life. I call things as I see and know them. I have modified my approach, especially dealing with senior officers. Normally, I put a lot of thought in how I say something, mainly to ensure it's what I want to say, and to be sure that I say it in a courteous manner.
But for someone to attack me for not being sufficiently courteous enough is a sign, to me, that someone wants to pick a fight with me and they're using that as an excuse to start one. And if they want a fight, it's "lock and load, let's go full rock-and-roll" to this old infantryman.
I'm not going to apologize for what I say or how I say it. If you don't want to know what I think and feel, don't ask me for an opinion or don't listen or read what I have to say. If you don't like either what I say or how I say it, that's not my problem, nor is it the problem of those who listen to me and either agree or engage in honest debate.
04.13.09
Do you ever review an interaction and decide that, in fact, you were not sufficiently courteous?
04.13.09
I've reviewed a number of interactions, and there were only a few where I may haven't been sufficiently courteous. That's one of the reasons I take the time to think about what I'm going to say, most of the time.
One time when one of my cousins was sobbing that she loved her boyfriend, (after he had been cuffed, Mirandaized and driven away for domestic abuse), that she loved him with all her heart, and that this was a grave injustice.
My response, as she's lying on the gurney inside the ambulance was: "So love is 3 broken ribs, a broken wrist, a broken nose and bruises on you and your kids, right? Is he going to be showing the depth of his love when he finally kills you or your kids?"
Probably not the most courteous, but I just couldn't contain my outrage at her putting her kids at risk with this sorry piece of humanity any longer.
As it was, she refused to press charges, welcomed him back and I went to her oldest daughter's funeral 5 months later. She's still writing and visiting him, saying she still loves him and that life will be good when he gets out in 2051.
04.13.09
What a sad story. I'm really sorry to hear that.
04.13.09
Interesting comments! I read this piece from a somewhat different point of view: I apologize professionally. Before you think what a terrible job, or what a terrible organization, you should know I work on the IT help desk at a university. It's a great place to work, but something that is always a challenge to get used to in a job like this is that we are the front facing service group for the whole IT department. When anyone in the whole IT group makes a mistake that a faculty, student or staff notices, it's up to us to say I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, let's see how we can make it right.
I don't think our work is unique - I expect a lot of people spend their day apologizing in this way, for things we didn't personally do, but our department did. I find it powerful to apologize to an angry person, as a way to work beyond the anger and try to find out how I can help them. It's not always possible, and sometimes people just want someone to whom they can complain. But for the most part, people just want to hear that someone understands their pain/inconvenience/downtime, and that they want to help.
04.13.09
Help desk...geez that brings back memories from some 16 years ago......
04.13.09
Instead of apologising I like to imply it was the fault of a third party.
That's how I got through my long-term relationships without a single argument or looking like a wuss.
"I wasn't cheating. This crazy girl just drugged me and dragged me to her room for hours of hot sex!"
04.13.09
Rob,
Since my wife, the retired firefighter/paramedic/cop is owed lots of big favors by the local police chief, the county Sherriff, the County DA, the Attorney General, the Medical Examiner, and various retired Spec Ops troops, not only would she ferret out the truth, but if I had indeed been cheating on her, she could erase any trace of my life and make me disappear.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, mess with her! :)
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