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I used to be a serial long distance dater and I think the world has changed so much (thanks internets) that we know people we've never met in person, travel all the time, job hop, and change cities more than generations before us. This means a lot of really great things for networking and making friends until you meet someone you like. Like really like.
I don't necessarily think I was dating long distance because of how wonderful my travel life has been. It's more likely that because if you date someone far away, you can do whatever you want and the other person isn't there to piss you off. I know, mature right?
So here's what I've learned after 3 serious long distance relationships:
There Has To Be An End Date. You can't just be dating someone that lives potentially forever in another state. It works if you know it's going to end at some point and you actually know when that point is. It might be a tiny little light at the end of the tunnel, but at least it's there.
I Miss You Doesn't Mean I Love you. I realized that I spent a lot of evenings pining away for a faraway boyfriend and making up in my head what we "would be doing together if he were here". In all likelihood, we wouldn't be doing those things. We'd be doing some of the boring stuff that couples do but courtesy of my wild imagination we'd be doing these amazing, exiting things every second. Strangely enough, this didn't set me up for relationships with people in the same city that well.
Distance Can Create... Surprise, Distance. Expect that you will not know most of his or her friends. They will not know yours. He won't know how you like your coffee or what TV shows you like. On the positive side, he will know some of the things you are only comfortable saying in the middle of the night to a phone receiver so it's possible to have a really rewarding level of intimacy with someone who doesn't live near you.
Visits Are Just Vacation. It's not real life. You don't fight because you only have 4 days. If you are in a long distance relationship, you must visit at least once a month. Make it happen because if you don't you'll have to spend the first day or so getting to know each other again.
These are really good points. I have also been a serial long distance dater since I left for college. It is a really difficult thing, and ends up being more of a comfort then a real relationship.
Most recently I was dating a girl while I lived in Ohio, we were together for like 4 months and then I moved to Wisconsin and she moved to North Carolina. We did our best to make it work, but it just got to be too much. The travel got expensive, and it ended up being (as you said) like vacation whenever we saw eachother. She considered moving out here, but because of the fear of it being different when we were together all of the time I decided it was probably a bad idea.
Thanks for the post, it really hit home and made sense.
My husband and I dated long distance (we lived on opposite sides of the country) for our entire dating relationship--three years. We've been married for five.
Long distance relationships don't usually work, but then most relationships don't usually work. Ours did because each of us recognized that we wanted to be together, regardless. During those three years, we often said, "I wish we could just say, 'let's have dinner on Tuesday.'"
Our time together was like vacation--except that it wasn't, because whether one of us was visiting or we were each in our own states, we focused on making our relationship a priority, and communicating clearly about what was important to us.
And we didn't really have an end date until we got engaged. We did have the same destination in mind, though.
Dan - I totally agree.... it can easily become a security blanket. Have a bad night? Long distance Mr./Ms. Perfect would have made it better. That sort of thing.
Kate - Glad to hear from someone who did make it work. I think it takes a lot from both sides for that to happen. congrats on your success with it!
When I finally convinced my long distance to move to Wisconsin it was a disaster. Turns out he had all of these traits that are easily hidden when you don't see each other too much. I guess a serious dose of honesty is needed in a LDR too.
I did the long distance thing for about 5 months, and then when he moved up here, it took a lot of getting used to. We didn't know how to manage our time together or how to prioritize each other - when we were long distance we always talked about how we wished the other was there and (like you said) would have these vacation-from-life weekends. Learning to integrate the relationship into everyday life was a challenge, but I imagine if you start a relationship close, them move and come back together, would be the best way.
Those are all great observations. I agree 100% that you can't be long-distance without a date of when you'll be back in the same place in mind.
I would also say that it's pretty unrealistic to start a relationship long-distance; it decidedly works better if you're together first and then go apart for awhile. Not to mention that doing so can be a great opportunity to gain perspective on a relationship.
Great post!
I lived in Hawaii for six months where I met my wife who was visiting from St. Louis. I can still visualize the moment that "I knew this was it." I told her sister who lived a few doors down soon after. I returned to Santa Cruz (college) and we become good long distance friends for many months. On Valentine's Day, I visited her in St Louis, and that was it. We continued long distance for about a year, saw each other 3 times or so, met her parents etc. I moved to Virginia for grad school and she followed soon after; we didn't live together for the first year. We never really went on a traditional date. We always knew. We've been married 2+ years and now live in Seattle. I don't think many long distance relationships work, but they can. I don't even remember it being difficult to be honest.
Both people have to be willing to move, it's probably easier to move to neutral place where neither have lived before. Also, I think it would have been more difficult if we lived in the same location first. We probably spent 15 hours in Hawaii together before I knew. I imagined (for many years) that it would work and that's why it did. I somehow made her believer her too.
"Both people have to be willing to move, it's probably easier to move to neutral place where neither have lived before."
@Jason, I think that depends on the couple and the location. I moved to live with my husband, in a city I'd lived in before. The result was that the transition was very easy--I already had local friends, for example.
Other people will do better in a neutral city, and others will make friends so easily that they can move anywhere. It depends on what works for that couple.
BTW, to general readers, I am not saying "My long-distance relationship worked and yours should, too!" My only universal recommendation--and this extends to in-town relationships as well--is to communicate openly, honestly, and clearly about who you are, and to ask lots of questions about what matters to the other person. That's how you really find out if the relationship has a chance at success. And that's true no matter where you live.
This is a really interesting post. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years, and the majority of that time has been long distance. We went to different colleges (5 hours apart) and lived in different hometowns (1 hour apart). Just last weekend, we finally started living together. I definitely agree with you that there has to be an end date to the apart phase, and it's important to make time to visit at least once a month.
I can say from experience that long distance does make sense sometimes. But, you have to be fully committed to each other and feel that it's worth putting in the time and effort. As much as it's hard to be apart so much, it really makes you appreciate your time together.
As I've already commented on your blog, Caitlin, you know how I feel about this but I'm enjoying the thoughts posted here.
Long distance. It's so common. Sometimes it gets to be too much, or like with @Jason you just know, and you will do whatever it takes to make it worth because she/he's the one. All big decisions and all part of the general sacrifice that we have to go through in any type of relationship.
I also have recently learned with my last relationship (happened the long distance) that some people are able to cope better and others not. I'm not trying to generalize here, but I think that women do better on the phone than most men (disclaimer: I know there are exceptions)! I also think that the biggest and most important point here if it's going to work is to have an end date, light at the end of the tunnel. If you can't create that or have some sort of alleviating emotion, then it will eventually break you both down because you think there's no solution.
This too, hit home for me and I'm glad you wrote it. Thanks!
Damnit, if I'm not getting regular nookie, it's not a relationship - it's a voice on the end of the phone!
Rob - haha, that is also one of the problems of long distance. You can romanticize the "idea of spending time together" but "the idea of sex" is really just not as good :)
Im moving 12 hours away from my boyfriend to a great city, to go to school. We have dated for 4 years already and he always talks about getting married. We have done long distance for a total of a year in our relationship already and it was not my idea of a great time. If he's really serious about marriage then I cant understand why he wont move with me? He said he doesnt want to break up with me and he claims he loves me, but it doesn't feel like love. I always thought Id follow him anywhere, why wont he follow me???? When he made this decision he had just quit his job too so im not sure what is holding him back. If anyone has some insight into why he wouldnt move, id love to feel some peace in understanding this boy!
Confused -
It's an incredibly difficult conversation to have when one person is moving and it comes down to whether or not the other will go too. Unfortunately, I think the entire relationship will hinge on the answer to that question.
Things to consider:
Does your boyfriend have family living in the old city? Is there a major reason that he might want to stay (mother is ill, brother in town, etc.)?
Things like that can throw a major wrench into moving options.
Did he ask you to stay? I hate to bring it up but lots of people use a move as an "easy way out" of a relationship without having to really break it off.
I think this is about 2 people looking at their relationship honestly and deciding who can shift to make it work. If you must leave to go to school (and it sounds like this is the case) and he is unwilling to compromise, then I don't think you have a real option but to move on.
4 years will just kill your relationship if you try to make it that long.
Possible solution: You could help him get enthused about a move by finding some job listings in the new city for him. Perhaps he doesn't want to "follow you" to a new city and if you can set it up so he has a reason to go too, you might have some luck. :)
As for me, I've been a long distance dater twice. My first experience was not that pleasant, and for some time I thought that doing the same thing for the second time is quite dumb. However, luckily, my 2nd experience turned out to be good.
When I was 15 or 16 years old, I met that guy on the internet, who lived very far. We had very common interests and then we started "dating" after about a year or two of online communication. I've been travelling to his city every once in a while, so did he. our affair lasted for more than 2 years. and then, one day, he just disappeared. later, he told me he met a new girl and that it was 100% my fault as I hadn't been risky enough to move to the place where he lived.
...
despite the fact that my second long distance dating, which was caused by me moving to the United States for 2 years, has resulted in stable relations, I'll never try this type of dating EVER again.
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