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Laurie left my apartment about 45 minutes ago. We completely lost track of time, didn't realize it was so late, and now I have that feeling.
I've been a card carrying insomniac since I was 21, but I suspect my sleep problems have plagued me, quite literally, from day one. I have never, ever slept a whole night through unless I was terribly ill, and even then, I really can't remember a single time I was sick enough to accomplish that.
My mother is also an insomniac. I know this because when I was a kid, I'd wander around in the middle of the night and she would be up, on the couch, smoking cigarettes, hoping to get tired enough to go back to sleep. She'd always tell me just to go back to bed, but I think we both knew it was never that easy.
Interesting sidebar: I will be 27 in June. By the time my mom was my age, she had her three kids. Scary.
A lot of people think insomnia is the inability to sleep and that's not exactly the case. Insomnia is mainly the symptoms of being unable to sleep; going through your days like a zombie, unable to concentrate or focus on anything. I muddle through a lot of my days at the best of times, but when I have a night like I'm thinking this one is shaping up to be, the following morning is nothing short of unbearable.
Some people have a train of thought that won't shut off, and it keeps them going all night. Usually, when I can't sleep, my head is pretty empty. If I'm thinking of anything at all, it's about the fact I can't sleep.
Tonight, I had three glasses of white wine and talked with Laurie for about four hours on all the things that make my family life so epically fucked up. By all conventional wisdom I should be drunk and completely drained, passed out in bed. Instead I am sober, wide awake, and contemplating eating leftovers.
That's the other thing that happens when I can sleep. Snacking. Eating at night is bad news.
When I was a kid living in the suburbs I would look out the window late at night, and of course, no one's lights would be on. There was no point in imaging what people were doing at that hour, and I suspect maybe that has something to do with the fact I am far too literally and have no imagination today. I am looking now at a high rise apartment across the way, and have no desire to imagine what any of those assholes are doing right now. Screw them!
Jeez. Since I'm awake, I logged in to my online banking. I just got paid, so I've already paid the bills, allocated the car payment, grocery and gas money. Neato. Maybe there's something to be said for being wide awake.
I know, it's not that late, according to the time this is posted, but I've been coming back to this off and on for about two hours now. I think the entry will say I posted at 12:15 a.m. or something. Whatever.
I'm just glad the week is over. It's been a shit one. Falling out with friends, being broke, an ear ache that STILL won't go away. A four day weekend is just what I need.
Anyway, I'm just rambling now.
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Comments
04.10.09
Hey Lindsay,
If you'd like to participate in a no-cost sleep improvement teleseminar - it's happening next week - April 14 - 5 PM (PST). To review the class contents and to register, go to http://sleepwithoutinsomnia.com/teleseminar.html.
With your report above, it may just help.
Best,
Glenda Sparling - Sleep Coach
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