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I have a very real fear that I will not be able to have children. Sure, I’m twenty-six years old, unmarried, and far from the cries of motherhood, but I think many women my age can relate to the fact that it is still thought about. I’ve always been one of those women who wants to adopt a child, but in addition to having my own. I can’t really explain it, but this is something important to me.
My fear became somewhat realistic after finding out several factors over the years. First was my mother’s history with conceiving. I found out that while she became pregnant with me a year after her marriage to my dad, they could not conceive again for ten years, and then for another five years. Talk about a large expanse of time. My mom confided that she thought she could not conceive well because of a botched abortion. Even in those early years of abortion, I am starting to doubt that reasoning.
Second, is that from puberty I have always been irregular, even going an entire summer without my cycle. While this was great for me at the time, I went on the pill at seventeen to help regulate. I have been on it now for nearly ten years, with few breaks, unfortunately. I do fear that the hormonal regulation of my cycle may be hard for my body to break.
Last, I found out recently about a disorder that this woman has who is trying to get pregnant now. Her symptoms mimic mine, and include irregular cycles. I definitely see the connection between my mom’s unsuccessful attempts and this young woman’s. This makes me wonder what is in store for my future.
My “evidence” is making me want to stop taking pills and just see how my body regulates itself. That’s really the only “control” I have over a situation that is not even an issue because I am not married or ready to have children. This is an idea that I’ve been tossing around, but am afraid of what not taking the pill could mean. I’m not ready to have kids now and definitely do not want to have an accident.
While I have fears of not being able to have kids when the time comes, I definitely do not want an unplanned pregnancy. I had one scare three years ago and realized just how torn I was on the idea of accidental pregnancy and…well…abortion. I grew up in Catholic school so I’ve always thought abortion=bad. I never looked down on others who chose that path, but I was Pro-life for what I thought it to mean.
Over time my ideas changed and I realized that abortion may be something I’d entertain, possibly. I’ve always exercised extreme caution not to get pregnant, but nothing is 100% fool proof. What if I ended up pregnant with a loser boyfriend, or worse a fling? My stomach churned at the thought of being a young mother complicated with a tie to a person I wouldn’t want to be with forever. So I thought that if I did have the misfortune of getting pregnant than I would really consider an abortion.
Now I’m twenty-six and I’m with someone I love, but we’re far from marriage. I feel at this age accidental pregnancies mean I should have the child. I don’t feel like I could be a mother right now. I think LL3 would kill me if I had an abortion. Judge me if you must, but I really think marriage comes before kids. The truth is I don’t know what I would do and as much as I want kids in the future, I don’t want to find out what I’d do now.
I’m afraid to ask, because this is touchy, but what are your thoughts? Have any of you felt torn?
I think you should get a dog first and see how it goes. Many married or unmarried couple have dogs and not kids and they're quite happy.
Dogs are less expensive and easier to maintain.
=)
It's probably a situation in which you won't know what to do until you find yourself.
Accidental pregnancy? Your heart will tell you what you want to do if that situation arose.
But trying to have kids when you're a) still so physically young, b) wishing to be married first, yet are in a relationship where marriage is not really a consideration yet, and c) not in an ideal social / career position to do so... well, it doesn't seem like the best plan, nor something that you should stress about too much just yet.
With regard to balancing out body cycles by ceasing the pill, perhaps you could give this a go, but keep using the trusty rubbers until you're more mentally online with the whole pregnancy thingo!
I'm 28. If I fell pregnant now, I would scream with excitement, happiness and disbelief. Because I'm in a lesbian relationship, so there's not much chance of anything 'accidental' happening!
But I have been in a serious long-term relationship before (if you can call 'marriage' that...) and would certainly have kept a baby resulting from that... not because of a non-belief in abortion, but simply because I would have been in a position to keep it, being in a stable (at the time) marriage, and with a fairly steady income.
I do look forward to having kids if and when it happens though.
My husband and I put of having kids for a long time. With no diagnosed fertility problems, we've been trying for 3 years now (although I did get pregnant once, but lost the baby). You are still young and I wouldn't worry. But if you're worried about your cycles and your chances of conceiving later, talk to your doctor now. Long cycles can often be indicative of PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome)and you may require surgery to remove the cysts. Believe it or not, your chances of conceiving are not in any way related to your mother's fertility.
Don't lose any sleep over it yet.
And if you're serious about wanting to adopt - start saving your money now.
Totally understand your feelings on this subject. I am closer to the parent-hood thing, as I have been married for almost 5 years. I feel a lot of pressure and like you I always have worried that for various reasons I will have trouble conceiving.
In addition to seeing a regular Doc, one of the things I can recommend is acupuncture. For real- look into it. It can have really positive effects on fertility and your cycle overall. I no longer suffer from terrible PMS symptoms. Just something to consider.
I second Kimberly. Don't stress too much but it is worth getting your overall fertility checked out. Womens fertility is talked about with blanket statements like "over 35 pregnancies are higher risk for x, y and z". The truth of the matter is some of us start losing fertility at 19, others at 40.
There have been medical advancements in fertility since your mother was trying to conceive.
The fact that you shared this blog with the world tells me that you might be feeling your biological clock ticking? I sincerely hope that any woman who is HS and or college educated with any kind of regular paycheck would not consider aborting a child just because the conception and relationship with the father was less than ideal. I would never be thrilled with being a single parent, but it is not the end of the world.
Nothing will kill your quarterlife crisis faster than the responsibilities associated with parenting!
If you are worried about fertility problems talk to your doctor about what you can do now to help with the issue (if there is one) later. Ask to get your thyroid checked. A lot of fertility problems are caused by undiagnosed thyroid disease. Also cut back on drinking, smoking and junk food. These can all affect fertility. I've also heard that accupuncture works wonders as well.
I'm 25 and worry about having babies too. But if you're not emotionally, financially and romantically ready than why bother having one now? You still have LOTS of time and as I mentioned before, there are a lot of steps you can take now to make the process easier in the future.
The choice of whether or not to remain on birth control or to cease taking the pill is one only you can make, truly.
I do hate to see/hear an unexpected pregnancy referenced as "an accident." If I were to get pregnant before marriage, I know that it would definitely be a shock and would probably disappoint a few people, but I think every single child should be born into an environment of joy and happiness, not one where they are born known as "an accident."
I think that what is meant to happen, happens. I believe that if you are meant to conceive, you will, and if not, it won't happen. I'm happy to read that you are open to adoption, as I think there are so many children in foster care that could use a loving parent like I'm sure you will be.
Thank for your comments. I think there is a lot that I didn't realize I was able to do now to help in the future (whenever that is). It also helps to think that my mother's experience may not mirror my own. I know for a fact I am not ready for kids now, but when I do become ready I don't want to find out it's too late. And wow single parenting is extremely scary to me!
I have the same fear about not being able to have children. And the things you're struggling with? they're on my mind every single day. Unnecessary? maybe. But in my mind nonetheless.
Honest, poignant post.
Passionista, in your first paragraph you state "I’ve always been one of those women who wants to adopt a child, but in addition to having my own. I can’t really explain it, but this is something important to me."
That line of reasoning is simply not good enough. You should ABSOLUTELY not have any children - adopted or otherwise - until you can explain your decision, if not to others, at least to yourself. Given overpopulation, we should all be NOT having babies as much as possible, before famine and disease take care of overpopulation for us:
http://20-forty.com/2008/09/04/the-ethics-of-having-children-guest-post/
I will never have any children, and I would absolutely have an abortion if I got pregnant - even if I was married.
I'm more afraid that I'll end up with a guy who wants kids when I don't want them. I wouldn't mind being childless. I consider even a dog too expensive to care for. Also, I don't like the world, and I wouldn't want to bring someone into it. If that someone takes after me, then they would hate it, too.
However, I'd be a lot more receptive to the idea of having children if somebody could provide a surrogate mother or a way to gestate the baby in a lab, free or low cost childcare that doesn't require more work on my part, low cost health care, an educational and health system that doesn't label or over-medicate kids, and low cost tuition for higher education that doesn't require anyone to take out loans.
I forgot to mention that my mother didn't give birth to me, her only child, until she was 39. She got pregnant the first time my parents tried, and she always had irregular periods.
"I do fear that the hormonal regulation of my cycle may be hard for my body to break." You understand how the pill works. Once you quit taking it your hormones will gradually return to their natural levels.
Also, just because your periods weren't regular doesn't mean you weren't ovulating. It just means your eggs weren't maturing at a constitant rate. I know lots of women with irregular cycles who had no trouble getting pregnant. If your irregular cycles are due to a hormonal problem, such as polycystic ovaries, your Dr. can put you on hormones to correct this.
Before you stress yourself out too much, perhaps you should read a few books on gynecology.
Oops. I meant do say you don't understand how the pill works.
@Passionista - if you're in a relationship that is "love" but "far from marriage" and yet you know you want kids some day...why? What is holding you back? I knew after just a few months that I would marry the man I did. In our case, we do not plan to have kids ever, so it is not an issue for me. But really, if having kids is this important to you that you are thinking about it and worrying about it, it is time to decide whether your relationship is serious or time to move on. You wouldn't ask your boyfriend to put aside a lifelong goal of his "until we're ready" so there's no reason he should be putting aside something that is obviously important to you.
@Eileen - I find it humorous that expense is the thing making you not want kids! Yes, kids can be pricey, but life is not the pursuit of money. He who dies with the most money does NOT win. I am with on not wanting to have kids, but how "expensive" they are should not be your main reasoning!
@ Miles,
I am with you on not wanting kids either, but I don't think you can tell from Eileen's comment what she would spend the money on instead. Although I have many reasons for not wanting kids, one of them (in fact one of the primary reasons) is DEFINITELY the expense...but that's because the BF and I want to use our money to travel the world, buy artwork, and rescue animals.
Expense is a very valid concern...whenever I hear someone say that they want to give their kids the life they never had, I just want to say, "don't you realize if you didn't have kids, YOU could have the life you never had?"
My husband and I have been trying to have children for quite a while. It is a stressful and emotional process. It hurts me to think of someone actually getting pregnant, such a miracle in my eyes, and then terminating the pregnancy. Dont take it for granted.
@ Anonymous - I doubt your husband finds all of the sex he is getting as a "stressful and emotional process"
@Tim, it isn't that simple. Did you mean for your comment to seem glib?
@Passionista, I also would suggest talking to your doctor. At this point, tests may or may not be covered by your insurance--but your doctor should be a good source of information and may help ease your stress.
Barring any specific issues to address, the best things you can do now are establish a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and take a prenatal vitamin.
And keep in mind that having irregular periods before going on the Pill doesn't necessarily mean they'll be irregular after you stop taking the Pill.
Tim, it IS stressful, and I hope you were being flippant with your answer.
There's all the charting and timing of a woman's cycle, getting prepared for that right moment. Then there's the call, "It's time", right in the middle of important stuff. There's the hurried, desperate, frantic nature of sex that is definitely not conducive of love, caring, and committment. And then, when failure occurs, there's the emotional storms that have torn apart far too many otherwise loving couples.
Tim, you may not think it's stressful if your only committment is being a sperm donor, but for those who love, honor and cherish their spouses, it's agonizing to even think about living through.
by 2040 it is estimated that over 8B humans will inhabit the earth, a planet that can barely sustain 6B + something. suggest planning to adopt a child that really needs a compassionate and caring family.
BTW cats are great. if you interact with them regularly they are just as amazing companions as dogs if not more. my husband actually takes our 2 out for a walk every night. the neighbohood women adore him!
THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WORKS 100% IT IS CALLED ABSTINENCE!!! DUH!
As I enter my 40's and watch my friends and sisters grapple with the closing window of fertility, there's a couple things I wanted to add.
1) It's not as hard on your career as you might think, to take time off for a baby.
2) Even a healthy, planned baby is much harder on your marriage than you might think. Sometimes it's better to have a simple wedding sooner than spend a long time engaged, planning an elaborate celebration and then jump right into baby-making. Give yourselves some married-without-children time to settle in for the long haul. And yes, it's different than dating, being engaged, or living together.
3) Miscarriages are sooo much more common than you think.
4) Trying for a baby is hard on your marriage whether it happens so quick you get whiplash or whether it takes some time.
5) Infertility is much, much harder on a marriage than you might think.
It seems enormously unhelpful to point out that you *don't* have all the time in the world. It's not a good idea to panic or make rash decisions.
But if you are waiting for everything to be "just right," until you are perfectly certain, just be aware that time may never come.
Also, you really can't expect your guy to be able to read your mind and deliver a fairy-tale proposal the moment you are ready to say yes. You need to talk about these things and listen to each other.
Lastly, the two things to worry about in protecting your fertility are undiagnosed, asymptomatic infections and your weight. Go get an STD screen. Make sure you're not starving yourself into your skinny jeans. If you're overweight, now's the time to start losing it sensibly and slowly.
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