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One of the questions I’m fascinated with is why people date certain people. And I’m pretty convinced that women look to date men like their father and guys look to date women like their mother, whether they realize it or not.
Take for example, the typical ‘poodle’ as I call it. Her father buys, and has bought, her everything she could ever want. She has no sense of want or desire. Because everything she has ever wanted was given to her. She typically, will go for the very wealthy guy who can give her the kind of life her father did.
What about the girl that just can’t get enough of the bad boy? Sadly, the girl’s father probably didn’t pay much attention to her. She’s now attracted to guys that don’t give her the time of day; the guy that treats her like crap.
Don’t confuse this with the, ‘I want it because I can’t have it’ conundrum. That’s just basic human psychology.
And if underneath all of the cat and mouse - the person you’re chasing isn’t at all like your father/mother you might just be wasting your time!
Now, of course whom you ‘think’ you should date and ‘want to’ date is very different than what we do date. The old, “I wish I liked her/him more!” or, “He/she’s perfect on paper but…”
In one of my past relationships, after having a few drinks I remember saying to the girl, “You remind me of my mom.” She laughed and said, “You remind me so much of my father!” Well that relationship didn’t last and it turned out she wasn’t very much like my mother at all. And I’m sure I wasn’t as much like her father as she had hoped.
We all know what we know. Obviously!
“All people cheat!” the guy exclaims. No, actually all people don’t cheat. He cheats! Therefore, he thinks all people cheat. That’s known as projection.
But I think being aware of this concept can help your love life too. Since we all know what we know, and we’re used to what we know; maybe you should just try to find a guy or girl who is like your father/mother!
The challenge, though, is when you have dysfunctional relationship with your mother/father. If you’re a girl and your father isn’t a part of your life and never showed you much attention – you’re probably going to be attracted to guys like that.
That’s when it gets tricky. Because you know you should date ‘the nice guy’ but you seem to keep dating the same guys over and over.
If you don’t have a great relationship with your parents – why not seek in a man or a woman exactly what it is that you wished your father or mother was? I know this is a lot easier said than done. But if you can learn to look for the qualities in your s/o that you would like in your father/mother you might save yourself a lot of heartache down the line.
It gets interesting when you start to look at couples and see how close their significant other is to their own father/mother. I wonder if this could be a predictor of how successful a marriage will be?
Just for the record: This is just a theory. And may or may not work. Although I try to help my clients with many of the challenges they face in their lives, I’m not a relationship expert. I don’t play one on TV either.
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Comments
03.23.09
I married a man just like my mother - he is so much like my mother that I almost called him "Mom" once when he said something that was exactly something she would say. A few weeks ago my husband even admitted that when we first got married he didn't get it when I'd say, "My husband is exactly like my mom," but now he says that he's even noticed that they act alike.
The things that I love (like being easygoing, funny and flexible) about my mom are the same things I love in my husband, likewise, the quirks that irritate me about my mom (like talking to strangers, and running late) are the exact quirks that irritate me about my husband. Lucky for me, I love my mom and we have a great relationship - I guess it's also lucky for me that earlier in our relationship my then-fiance told me he admired the relationship I had with my mother.
So, I halfway agree with you - we do often end up in relationships with people just like our parents - just not always the opposite sex parent.
03.24.09
That's precisely what I was going to say. I would love to meet a guy who shares the steadfastness, intelligence and the caring nature that my mom has.
I also agree with you Adam. It's sometimes scary to see that so many of my friends are dating/marrying people who actually physically resemble their parents. It's a bit twilight zone. But I think I read that finding a mate that is similar to your parent is a sign of successful propagation (after all, your parents had you), so it increases your chances of passing your genes down. Weird.
03.24.09
Ha! I married a man like my mother too. I didn't see it at first, but after a few months (!) of marriage it became hard to ignore. I eventually divorced him, but because we have kids, he is very much in my life, and almost every interaction reminds me of my mother. Not in a good way. Everyone says I am a great mother, and I owe my success to consciously doing almost everything the opposite from what my own mother did. Meanwhile, I'd love to meet a guy like my father, but no luck so far.
03.24.09
This is priceless! My husband isn't anything like my mom - but he very much, in terms of his character and attitude, like my dad's husband, my step-dad. I'm a lot like my dad. They've been together for almost 25 years. I've been married for just over 3 and it's going well so far!
I didn't realize how much DH is like my step-dad until we'd been together for awhile - but a lot of what I love about him, and what makes us work as a couple, is what he has in common with my step-dad. The world is a funny place, isn't it?
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