My CCBB and I tell each other that “We are in it to win it” in regards to our relationship in order to express our deep commitment to one another. I don’t know how many couples reaffirm their commitment to each other but, for us, it is a healthy and helpful habit. I can feel mad or frustrated but my desire “to win it” (for life) keeps me grounded and helps me search for solutions.

And yet, I find it hard to do this at times because, I feel, this is a culture that doesn’t totally support couples in their “thin” times even though we give lip service to “through thick and thin.” Our solutions tend to be very black and white even though most of life is grey matter (which would make sense since so is the human brain).

I think sometimes our culture does not provide us with more choices than staying or leaving in a relationship because the in-between is hard to navigate. It is difficult managing your relationship when you are hurt but you don’t want to leave or feel justified in leaving. It can be a challenge though to feel like we have options other than leaving when someone hurts us. A saying that often sticks in my head in situations like this is “Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.” We’re told that if we’re smart, we leave when someone hurts us because, by golly, they could do it again! 

But I do not want to check out even as my heart is telling my mind to get the hell out of here before I’m hurt again which, logically, I know is inevitably going to happen again. People are not perfect and even with the best of intentions, we sometimes hurt our partner with what we say or do or what we didn’t say or do. And honestly, I don’t expect or even want the “perfect relationship” because surely, the face of perfection would be a lie in of itself.

I do want to move forward. However, I’m finding it a challenge to stay grounded right now because my trust has been shaken and I do not know if I will ever be able to fully trust again at this moment. A few people have told me I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is but you know what? I was deceived and that fucking hurts. Period. And it leaves me questioning everything. When has he been telling the truth to me? When was he lying? Because deception over months doesn’t entail just one lie or “lie of omission” but rather piles of lies about who, what, when, where, and how. Finally, trust is not easy for me (I don’t think it is for anyone) and being given a valid reason to lose trust really hurts. And I feel like a dumbass for trusting in the first place.

I’m really struggling to find answers. I want to stay because there are so many beautiful things worth staying and even fighting for in my CCBB and our relationship. I am more than willing to work it out. However, I feel fear that I won’t always be able to do this. I do not want to be pushed to my breaking point and yet, I’m so scared that he will do this to me. I’m afraid he will continue to lie and hide things from me and the lies will get too damaging. I tend to blow things out of proportion but I didn’t see this hurt after all the work we’ve done coming.

I’m trying to find the space to acknowledge that I am hurt and that certain behavior was not ok and yet, at the same time, acknowledge all the good of my relationship. We are salvageable. I know the pain will go away and trust will be restored if my feelings are given the respect they deserve from myself and my partner. I hope they will be…

“Bulletproof.” Rilo Kiley.