Although, I am living on my own in the event that something were to happen—I would not feel like I failed by moving back in with my parents. I have always been independent and they know that I am not the type of person to “sponge” off of them. I worked full time while simultaneously attending college—so obviously I know how to work hard.

I think it would be more foolish to dig a further hole for myself when I know that my parents would be more than willing to help me out (I would go to them before going to anyone else ). No one makes it alone in this world and we all will encounter difficult times in our life when going home might be the only option we have at that point in time.

LaTosha, I think there is a difference between being a failure and failing once.

Valerie, when my father was 17 (and a highschool graduate) my grandmother bought him luggage and strongly encouraged him to go out and be a man. She told me this story laughing, but I must say that I found it to show the great responsibilty for self-sufficiency that used to be placed on young adults.

I am not saying that there is never a reason to move back home. But I swear, people treat it as if it is to be expected, as if moving back home is nothing new, when they are grown men and women, and need to take at least a little bit of responsibility for their actions.

Yes we can blame helicopter parents. But ultimately, your life is your responsibility. And a 30 year old male/female, living in their parents basement after five or six years of not finding the perfect job is not the definition of success.

I am worried about my generation. That we will accomplish less than any other generation, though we have the potential for so much, because we suffer from profound selfishness and an overinflated sense of our own importance, without the balancing equivilent feelings about the importance of others. And that will be the undoing of all our potential.

I definitely agree with you that your life is your responsibility. I am currently saving money to move out of my parents' home and out of this state within the next year. I am only 21, I graduated in May 2008, and have already saved a nice chunk of money, so I think I am making great progress so far.

I think you are defining success as it has been defined in the past. The definition of success is constantly evolving, for better or for worse. In 1700, success was having a self-sustaining farm with 10 children who all pitch in. In 2000, success was having a great job at XX company and buying the $500,000 house with a picket fence and a BMW in Pleasanteville with 2.5 kids and a dog. I'm sure each generation thought the next generation was as self-absorbed as heck.

When you put it that way, using the 30-year old example, success doesn't mean living in your parent's basement for 6 years if you're going to be a bum and not contribute, or at least work towards moving out. I am not defending 30 year old bums, of course. But it is unfair that American society as a whole assumes that someone who still lives at home is automatically a bum.

I would point out that success isn't about your living arrangement or what kind of job you have anymore. Your father may have gotten a suitcase by his mother at 17 years, but this isn't 1950 anymore. It just isn't the same circumstances even if we DO take responsibility for our lives.

Valerie, when my father got his suitcase, it was closer to the 80's :) I never said going home is never an option, but going home should not be as encouraged as it is. I believe that the stigma is fast disappearing, and people are even becoming proud of their ability to continue to use someone else's resources and avoid becoming responsibile and self-sufficient adults. It is beyond going home upon graduation because you need to find a job or you are getting ready to go to grad school in the fall (I did the same thing, for a month). And it can be the undoing of our generation if, instead of looking to be a success, we have so distorted the definition of succes to where there is no failure.

By the way, I have helicopter parents too. They went above and beyond the call of duty consistently, from private school to paying rent in college. But I will never pretend this doesn't cost them. Or that I should ever impose on their kindness now that I am perfectly able to take care of myself.

Matt, I was on the Ramen diet too! I keep some around. Because, somewhere along the way, I started to like it.

Beth, true there is a difference between being a failure and failing once. I just got the impression from your post that going back home was not an option under any circumstances—which I definitely did not support.

Matt, I also paid the majority of my tuition too (hence why I simultaneously worked full time and went to school full time) so I wholeheartedly agree that my struggles have made me a stronger person. You grow up a lot faster and have a tendency to appreciate things more when you pay for it yourself!

I moved back to my parents' house in 1993, when I had spent a year after grad school trying to find a job. Literally thousands of resumes for a wide range of options.

Shortly before I moved, I had an interview for a job in a nearby city. I had a second interview and got the job. Time at home? Less than six weeks.

My parents were delighted to have me at home, but if I'd been there any longer, I'd have been expected to contribute financially in some way. Although I have always been very close to my parents, I was delighted to move out. I can't imagine moving back, because I enjoyed having my own space. (Since getting married, it's not entirely my own, of course, but that's a different story.)

I have one friend who still lives at home. Why? Because living at home has infantilized her to the point where she effectively can't move out.

I think there are advantages to the multi-generational household, but very few of us in the U.S. know how to make that work for all parties. It hasn't been a part of our culture for a long time, and to a great extent, it never really was on a large scale.

Do you believe using credit cards signals a failure to be financially independent? Do you also believe that renting an apartment is another sign of dependence?

I agree with you that raising children to be independent and self-sufficient is incredibly important, but I do not think you can blanket statements such as, "moving in with your parents makes you a failure and not independent." To each their own opinion: if it feels like a failure to do that to you, then so be it.

But generalizing an entire generation as selfish because some choose to take their parents up on the offer to, for example, save money and spend time with the family in the process, I don't agree with. Plus, if you live out on your own, chances are you are putting a lot on credit cards because prices are insanely high and income is insanely low at this time. To me, it's all the same. You're either borrowing money from creditors and paying interest to them or you are borrowing time/money from your parents (who are a lot nicer when you don't pay them back or don't even want money back).

I think it's awesome that you are out on your own and it's admirable, truly. I just have a hard time agreeing that people who move back in with their parents are failures, selfish, and dependent. That's a lot of labels put onto one act that most people believe is responsible.

I think it depends. Some people move home because they have a specific goal--getting a job, saving for a move, etc. I don't think that's the same as never moving out and just living off of someone else.

The key, I think, is whether you're contributing to the household, or just taking advantage of generosity. There are a variety of ways to contribute, such as making straight cash payments, or paying specific bills--and of course helping to clean up, etc. The particular combination should be up to the family to determine.

I also think that if the parents are not happy with the arrangement, then they need to make other arrangements. If they feel that they are being taken advantage of, then they should speak up and set different terms with their child. There's more than one party in such a situation.

Where does this notion that Gen Y (or whatever people are calling it today) is selfish and lazy and yet also has some sort of potential for "greatness" come from? Our generation is saddled with lower wages, less job security, and higher prices for tuition, housing - everything. We have no more 'potential' (what does that even mean?) than any other generation and more obstacles.

We are the generation that has to live with the effects of environmental devastation and (along with Gen X) support retiring boomers. This is the generation that is that is fighting and dying in Afghanistan and Iraq (as ordered by Boomers).

And I don't really hear a lot of us complaining about how old people sold us up the river. Mostly, I see our generation working our asses off on crazy alternative energy and urban farming schemes, protesting the war, and just generally trying to come up with solutions for all these problems we've been saddled with. Where are these whiny, selfish brats I keep hearing about? (Or is complaining about global warming, a disintegrating economy, and expensive, pointless wars the selfish and whiny part? If so, then I'm guilty as charged). I don't think our generation is any better or worse than any other generation.

@Beth Harris - Can you provide any specific examples of how our culture is encouraging people to live with their parents into their 30s? Because where I'm from "you live in your parents basement" is still an insult.

A case can also be made that NOT living with your parents until you are older is selfish. In many (most?) countries, multiple generations live under one roof. Everyone helps each other out and contributes. Having your own place and depriving your parents of your emotional support and help around the house can be seen as wasteful and selfish. (I am very wasteful selfish in this regard. I don't live with my parents and I do not want to).

This is my blog entry. I just can't sign on at work ;)

Benita, with it's history in individualism, personal responsibility, and bootstraps, the United States has generally never encouraged moving back home as an adult. Unless it is the care for an aging parent. And definitely never to move back home so you don't have to pay bills. I do know things are different in other places, but this idea of letting your parents foot the bill was never my understanding of one of the cultural differences.

Klint, I think we do have potential because for many of us, our parents gave us amazing opportunities that other generations didn't have. We have access to more education opportunities, and live in a much bigger world. We have greater resources at our disposal. We have unprecedented access to technology. What will we do with these opportunties is the question.

If you want to move in and help your parents, then by all means, that is a personal choice you must make about your resources. But so often I see in the media (CNN had two in the prior week) people in my generation making statements at how great it is to be able to move back home with their parents and quit their job and think about what they really want to do. And they don't ever talk about how they are inconveniencing their parents, or how they plan to contribute to the larger household. They just talk about taking, and taking, and then say how smart their decision is. It makes me sad. And ashamed of my generation. And fearful that this will become the norm. And that we will become a generation of leeches.

@Beth - A couple CNN spots about how some people from our generation moved back in with their parents and they didn't mention whether they were helping their parents out (which could have to do with video editing) = a widespread cultural problem with our generation encouraging failure and living with one's parents for years and years without a job or even helping out with the chores. Got it.

Klint, just go to CNN and look at the layoff stories. At least two of them last week brought up this issue. Stories I can think of are where they interview young people and get great quotes about quitting jobs (or law school) and ending up at home because of the economy. I don't know how the economy makes you quit your job, but I digress. At any rate, it seems that CNN (unless they are being extra snarky and obtuse) is presenting the decision in a favorable light. And these young people go on and on about how smart this decision is. In the latest article, one of the young people said more people should do it. I just feel sorry for the parents.

A few years ago, I thought this was a phenomenon. I am still not saying it is super common. But as it grows in popularity, the language is changing. It is couched in phrases to make it seem like everyone is doing it. Maybe I'm weird, but I try to think about someone other than myself. And not to be a burden. So moving home, that is only a choice if there isn't another one left. Which to me, is a pretty ominous sign of failing. Maybe it is because I failed before (as has everyone), and I don't think it is the end of the world. But I do, however, think that making this type of failure seem like success is really really not cool.

@Beth - I don't see how anyone other than yourself moving back in with their parents affects or offends you? It's strange to me.

I mean, who knows? Maybe these people who get to save money and figure things out without being bombarded with astronomically high bills and extremely low salaries, are going to be some of the people that have the time to step back and do their part to change the world.

I think it's great that you didn't rely on credit cards and still don't, but I'd say, in America, you're among the minority there, not the majority.

Wow. As someone who made the decision to move back in with her parents when she lost her job, I'm slightly offended by this post, but the rational part of me can see the logic in what you're saying. You're not necessarily a burden, though, when you go home. It's really a matter of perspective.

When I approached my parents with my concerns about staying with them, the first thing they said to me is, "When are we ever going to have you around like this again?" I never thought about it that way, but it is great to be able to spend this kind of time with my family. When I leave again I plan to be out for good, but for now I appreciate my decision to move home and I know that my parents are happy to have me around.

I've also made sure to control my expenses, make smart financial decisions (i.e., not live off my credit cards), and contribute as much as I can so I don't burden them with my job loss.

Moving home doesn't mean you have to revert to the 16-year-old version of yourself. It's a humbling experience. And if you do it right, you don't put the burden on them; instead, you give them and you a great opportunity to spend more time with family.

Beth I agree with you to an extent, but there is a major problem: this assumption is too general. Sure you moved out and you were able to afford to do so and save a little on the side, but your circumstances are not the same as everyone else's and vice versa. Yes there may be a trend of more young adults staying home; excuse my young 21 year old self who never left my parent's house yet, but I still think that you are downplaying the factors behind this phenomenon. I continue to stand by my opinion that the situation now is VASTLY different than it was 50, 30, 20, and even 5 years ago. There is a difference between leeching and living at home with a valid purpose and you are still contributing or at least supporting yourself. As for the "cherished norm," what exactly would that be? Maybe for you and your father and your grandmother, moving out is a tradition and is expected. It differs from individuals, families, cultures, and generations. I've implied before that "norm" is misleading because the "norm" is always evolving!
Anyway, I will agree to disagree with the message of your post. Great post and great discussion!

@ Beth
I find your views on this interesting and do agree...to an extent.
I don't like to judge people but you come across as not having exposure to other cultures. As another poster has stated, multigenerational living under one roof is actually very common and the norm in other countries outside the US. It's actually considered selfish to leave and strike out on your own and not consider the impact that would have on the family (less resources pulled together).
Frankly, the concept of focusing on the individual as opposed to collectivity is holding the US back. The "rising" third world countries are able to make do on so less and therefore willing to settle on lower wages (that's what they get paid with our outsourced jobs) because they are willing to make sacrifices such as living in a multigenerational home with parents and siblings sharing expenses for a home owned by all.
We Americans are so entitled and focus totally on ourselves that we're not willing to lose our individuality and independence. While this is admirable, it can also be a hindrance. Imagine what a difference it would make if more families here in the US would be willing to stay together.
Not only would familial bonds be stronger and healthier but we would as a nation probably be in less debt!
I will say that for me, having been born and raised here in the US, the "joint family system" would probably not work - at least not infinitely. But would I be opposed to it if everyone got something out of it such as saving money, companionship, etc? No.
I do agree with you that majority of adults including Gen Y, young Gen X do live within their means, pay their bills, are responsible, and don't live off their parents.

Beth,

11 months after I was laid off by McDonnell Douglas in October of 1988, I was evicted from my Long Beach apt, and lived out of my car for 9 months, till June 1990, when I got a new job and had saved up enough to put a deposit down on an apartment. You may think it facetious, but I can assure you I wasn't the only one living out of a car then in Southern California.

At the time, my parents were already stressed by things like my sister going through a divorce, Mom's recurring cancer and Dad's problem hip. Me moving back home would have only exacerbated the problems.

@Beth,

YOU are the one naming the exceptions. The majority of college grads who move back home are not just leeching off their parents. Of course there are those who move home and treat it like college, going out every night and refusing to find work. But THOSE are the exceptions.

And most Americans DO have too much credit card debt and are (or were) living beyond their means. If you are really trying to sit there and say most are financially responsible, you have had your head in the sand for the past year.

I did not "personalize" anything you said. I didn't go back and live with my parents. I don't consider your post mean, it is just terrible advice. For several college grads, moving back home is a fantastic financial decision and anything but a failure. But I do give you props for coming up with a controversial topic which cause heavy debate.

Josh, you are personalizing it. I wasn't addressing you!

It is hard for those who may have adopted the strategy of life you attacked not to personalize it and respond in kind.

Beth, you made a more or less blanket statement about those who choose to move back home, and it is hard for people not to take it personally. I happen to agree with much you have to say, but I can understand how others might have felt the need to elaborate and disagree, especially if it applied to their situations or experiences.

To condescendingly dismiss what others say with "we can separate our personalization from what someone actually writes down, and we can respond accordingly" is really poor form, and quite condescending to those who are commenting. Most of these comments are very valid arguments either for or against or somewhere in between. Some people have different life experiences than you and of course they want to be heard after the post you wrote.

@beth,

Wow, you just have no clue what this financial crisis is about, do you? Saying it was caused by a few greedy people is unequivicably false. You think this entire mess is because of derivatives? Not even close. That is a tiny part of the equation.

The MAJORITY of adults carry too much credit card debt. FACT.

A TON of adults bought homes they could not afford. FACT.

It's great that your parents were financially responsible. But the majority of their generation was not. Again, FACT.

It's funny that you keep telling everyone who disagrees with you to stop "personalizing" it. They only one here who is personalizing it is you. You are taking YOUR financially responsible parents, YOUR ability to support yourself after college and YOUR apparently irresponsible friends who are using their parents and claiming anyone who moves back home is a failure. Sorry, your situation is rare.

My situation is actually very similar to yours. My parents were mostly financially responsible. I was lucky enough to have a well paying job after school and not have to move home. But I don't have my head in the sand thinking anyone who isn't so lucky is a failure.

And one more thing, when you take life expectancy into consideration, our generation probably spends the same, or perhaps less, percentage of their life living with their parents.

I didn't leave home to go to college, so I guess I never had to return home. I'm not sure all of you who mention your parents "helped" with tuition can really claim full independence. I stayed at home for college and worked, because it was the only affordable option. Renting a place or living on campus would have meant more money required from me or my parents (my parents "helped" too by paying the full state tuition, and my job covered gas/parking/books/food/clothes whatever I needed). I wasn't truly independent from them until about 6 months after I graduated. I stayed at home after, started working full time, and paid a low rent. Sure I wasn't in the real world yet, but I had an excellent financial cushion. Rich families often help their kids by giving them money when they move out, for those of us of more modest means my parents were amazingly flexible and let me stay at home a little longer so I could save up that money myself. I just bought a home after the housing crash, with no "help" from my parents, only the money that I saved living there and those saving habits continued for years after.

Living at home is not failing as much as anything else (paying off debt, losing your job, accepting financial help from family) is not failing. We need to stop thinking of life as competition where we try to "prove" we are better than others because we think we had it harder or think we worked harder or think we were more independent. If your parents were millionaires would you turn down their offer to pay for college? Of course not. And if your parents have a home they are offering you to live in, there is nothing shameful in that.

Miles, I worked through school too. I often had more than one job (at one point, three). There is nothing wrong with hard work or struggling. I do think that some things in life, like losing a job, equal a short term failure. I fail all the time. I fail to properly balance my checkbook. I failed to pay my phone bill a few times, and ended up without service. Failing in one area of your life is not the end of the world. But we do fail. We are not amazing successes all the time. And moving back home is not a success either.

Brian, I think that it is a great thing that our parents are there for us, as far as potentially moving back home. But I still don't think that is a success ;) It is a backup plan.

I thinking moving home after college is fine. You don't have to sponge off your folks - you could pay them rent.

I also wanted to comment on the headline of this blog. I think dealing with failure is a bigger challenge for Gen Y, because their helicopter parents eliminating so much of the traditional failure from their childhoods. When I was a growing up, being a kid was all about failure. Only one person could be valedictorian, capitain, first place winner. In this respect, I think Gen Y was done a disservice.

It can be quite demoralizing to live with your folks, especially if you're like me and have a single parent. Unfortunately I pay for college and everything else but I recently made the decision to help my mom buy a house. The reason for this house was b/c she wanted all of her kids together (there's only 3: 23, 18 & 10) So I pay for the bills while she pays for the mortgage. Is it helping me and my own family? NO. But not just financially. Psychologically, its a downer since my mom is very independent and only in her 40's. In other words I'm not a burden but a big help.

It definitely depends on the family situation and I do agree with Beth when she speaks of those who move back home but don't contribute. Moving home can be the equivolence of living with roommates and honestly that's the only relationship that I will take while I am "at home" now. (Side question: Am I still "at home" even if my name is on the deed?)

I really like what Teresa just said that "a failed moment doesn't make her a failure at life." That realization is HUGE.

As a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, college grad I wanted to succeed in big, grandiose ways. And it took many years of struggling through "failure" until I realized that life sometimes is about stringing together one ugly day after another, believing something beautiful is still happening.

One terrible interview, for a job I never wanted, was not a summation of my life. God didn’t hate me because life wasn’t the exciting tickle-fest I envisioned at that moment. I wasn’t a failure based on the small, day-to-day "uglies".

So I've begun slowly (and sometimes painfully) realizing that success is found, not absent of failure, but in persevering through it.