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For the past three days, while sick, I’ve been chewing and spitting chocolate — not at home or at work where anyone could see me, but in my car. Alone.
Yup. Sick.
See, I’ve had to go to Target for various items and well, they have a good candy selection, one I can often walk by … but clearly not the past three days.
Reese’s Whips, Reese’s White Chocolate eggs, and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream bars were my vices of choice.
I’m fully aware it’s a compulsive behavior; I liken it to when I go shopping for clothes and tend to bring a ton of things to the dressing room, only to walk away with one or two items. But I don’t buy everything and throw it away, like I do with chocolate — these specific ones, in particular.
Buying anything with the intent to chew and spit is ridiculous, I know. Believe me, I know. Rationally, I know. But still, I’ve been doing it … almost as a rebellion for being sick, to “punish” my body for letting me down? Or maybe just my willpower is weak since it’s that time of the month.
I realize it’s a terrible waste of calories (I account for about 10% of what’s in each item).
I realize it’s disgusting. A nasty, gross habit. I’d never want anyone to see me doing it, which goes to show how secretive a habit it is.
And I realize it’s likely hindering any potential progress on the scale.
Yet I can’t always stop myself from doing it.
Ironically, I had had a good streak of not doing it, or even thinking about it.
In Mexico, I had a lot of stress that I won’t go into here (let’s just say my mother-in-law met us in Mexico and there were some … shall we say, difficult, moments).
But even there, I had only one incident, and it was something I honestly took a bite of and didn’t love and chose to discretely spit it into a napkin — which, in my mind, totally isn’t the same because I wasn’t ashamed of doing it or of anyone seeing me do it.
And in Mexico, like I shared earlier this week, I ate a delicious, huge slice of wedding cake … plus a hunk of hubbie’s, with no qualms!
So why am I wasting potential nutrition/calories that I need now, more than ever (being so sick) on chew-and-spits? I wish I knew.
The past three days have been just another pebble in the proverbial road. It’s frustrating because I seem to make progess in that the awareness is there. But the habit/behavior hasn’t changed 100%. Sigh …
And speaking of behavioral changes … I was supposed to see Dr. G. tonight for one of our last — if not final — sessions. But since I have my first Lia Sophia jewerly party, I needed to reschedule for next week.
I know I’m thinking differently about my food issues and anxiety than when I began therapy in July, but I don’t feel like I’ve made all the progress I could.
I also realize it comes from within; Dr. G. can’t stop me from the behaviors, but she has helped me change how I think about them (they’re anxiety-driven, they’re not all awful, I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing it).
All I know is, today’s a new day and I just need to vow not to buy the triggers, not to give into the compulsion. One day at a time.
How about you? In what areas of your life do you think you’re compulsive? How have you been able to tone the behavior down?
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