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Serious talks in my household always seem to happen in the shower. Like a lot of other families right now, B and I try hard to ignore how it seems just about every smart, responsible move we’ve made in the last five or so years seems to be biting us in the rear.
Being Honest Can Suck
Last night’s shower conversation took a self-aware and somewhat ugly turn as we put into words all of the things we wished for but sacrificed in order to be responsible. We alternate between wanting the world at our feet and just wanting a white mocha a couple of times a month without the guilt.
The good news is that my husband and I are very much on the same page when it comes to personal finance. (Politics? Not so much…) As of yet, we’ve never had a conversation about money that escalated into an argument. Thankfully, our talk was more commiseration and reality checking than debating.
Regardless, we ended up feeling a bit hopeless and very lost.
Big Questions, Simple Solutions
Is it time to throw the towel in and give up on doing what’s right? Is it time to stop worrying about the future and start living for today? I’ll be honest: I absolutely have moments where I want to live with abandon and just deal with the consequences later.
Here was the twist for me: I took a few deep breaths and thought about what I really wanted in that moment. Not tomorrow, not in 30 years, just in the next half hour. And it turns out that a spontaneous getaway, a shopping binge, or a fancy meal weren’t it. When it came down to it, all I really wanted was to curl up in bed with B a couple hours early, drink a mug of tea, and read Stephen King.
Sometimes You Have to Let Go to Have It All
If you’ve made it all the way to the end, I sincerely apologize for not having a better point than this: sometimes our frustrations aren’t about wanting what we can’t have. Sometimes, it’s that we don’t let ourselves enjoy what we already have. Letting myself out of my nightly routines (and, well, blog writing) was all it took to feel about 90 percent better about life.
Once again, simple pleasures, if we’re receptive to them, can be our salvation.
How are you dealing with frustration? Are simple pleasures a panacea or just a way of putting things off? I’d love to hear your own thoughts in the comments.
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Comments
03.12.09
I think the thing is finding the right balance between being careful and saving for tomorrow and living your life as if today is your last day. At either end neither option is ideal, but there is a happy medium in the middle and that happens to be at a different point for most individuals. I think you said it correctly though that finding salvation through the simple pleasures in life can help deal with the responsibilities and frustrations that everyone must goes through on a day to day basis.
03.12.09
You are wise beyond your years. Sometimes it is just fine to relish in what you have rather than rue what you don't. I thought your post said much.
03.12.09
I often get frustrated when it seems I am living for tomorrow instead of living today.
You know, instead of traveling now, saving money for my future home and such.
I know it will feel so much better to have that and to know I worked hard and sacrificed for it, but I want it all right now.
And yes, I often find myself just wanting to lay in with my laptop and a mug of cocoa. Carefree and all that :)
03.12.09
Ugh, I was hoping you'd have more insight. Lately its all about trying to save more money (as if that was even possible with my budget) and trying to stop eating so much junk food (example: half a bag of jelly beans, but I experienced my first crazy sugar high).
between my urges to shop and dive into cookies I feel more frustrated that any attempt I've made at getting out of debt and trying to lose the 3 vanity pounds I have proven useless. I just want to shop and ignore my bills, I just want my jeans to expand with my body (even if its just a tiny bit).
So I did it. Sunday was one of those, "I'm not staying home and I want to go somewhere I don't usually go" days...so I went to the mall. And I ate chocolate at the mall. And shopped. I felt great. But now my budget is screwed and that one helping of chocolate and a combo of PMS have left me ragged with gut rot. So now I'm broke and feel like crap.
So much for attempting to throw caution to the wind and attempt to please myself. But the pants I paid $70 for are fabulous! The rest will be another trip to the mall to make returns. :)
03.12.09
Part of dealing with frustration is knowing what you can control - and what you can't. Then letting go of what you can't. It also helps to be in touch with your needs rather than your wants, which doesn't mean always passing up the mocha latte but knowing that you can have it sometimes, when you really NEED it, not just every morning when you want it. Same goes for shopping, saving, etc. We need to pay our bills but we often can't control our income. Balancing what comes in and what goes out is frustrating for most of us right now, but I think a few moments of self-reflection in the morning before we shoot off in all directions doing what we think we "should" do helps us realize that sometimes a day spent quietly at home (in or out of bed) is not only what we need but the best guilt-free luxury we can afford.
03.12.09
Sara,
Great post! I often find myself frustrated with responsibility. I find it hard to balance two jobs, frienships and a husband all at once. I realized the other day that I am always in the "go" mode leaving little time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life that used to anchor me.
The other day I made plans to see a friend but by the end of the day, I felt totally burned out and just wanted to hide away and take time for myself. I decided to cancel plans and take a walk on the beach alone instead. It felt so great! I took some deep breaths and just walked. I realized that I needed to do more for myself-I need to just slow down!
If we are always rushing around to the next thing we tend to miss what is right in front of us. Our first priority should be ourselves. how can we be good for anything or anyone if we don't take time to smell the roses.
03.12.09
I can't even afford to live for today... I was one of those wise folks that set aside emergency fund/rainy day money, nearly $15,000. I got laid off in July and have been working at a job for 1/2 the pay I used to make...and the job assignment ends in 2 weeks. I've gone through my emergency fund just trying to stay afloat while I look for another job...
I'd love to take a break from reality, but I'm afraid if I did, I'd just give in to the rest of the weight on my shoulders. I'm an optimistic person by default and I'm very thankful for the small joys along the way...but even those can get squashed when you feel like you have NO control over your immediate future.
Be proud of yourself that you and your partner are so in tune with each others hopes and frustrations. That's a big part of the battle.
03.12.09
Sometimes I get sick and tired of working a crappy job, being responsible, paying everything on time and on budget because I'm a mature responsible adult who actually has to support themselves.
I get extra pissed watching as other people my age just quit their jobs and live off their parents as if that's the easiest thing int the world:
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/03/11/twentysomething-why-its-smart-t...
03.12.09
Sara,
And this is why setting intermediate goals is crucial. Thirty years from now can be like a lifetime. Goals set six months to a year in advance and then achieved can give tangible proof that progress is being made. It's like the idea of climbing a mountain, and having intermediate stops en route to the summit.
03.12.09
Man, you really know you're married when you have deep, thoughtful conversation in the shower. My gf and I have yet to get to that point :P
Sometimes in life you just have to "let go." I'm going to have to disagree with you on this because if I just "let go" of my goals and enjoy what I am doing now, I'll never accomplish everything I want to in life.
My startup is currently making cash flow,but it's not enough to complete our main project. If I just "let go" of making more cash for my startup, I'll never get Viralogy completed.
I'm currently contacting bloggers for our vlog that launches this Monday. If I just "let go" and let the bloggers come to me, I'll never set up more blogger interviews and our site won't have any new content.
I think the point you're trying to make is that we should all still strive for our goals, but at the same time, enjoy what we have right now.
That's all a personality thing. You can't just tell someone, "Hey, keep working hard but enjoy your life right now." Sure you might motivate them to focus on the NOW for a week or two, but after that they'll go back to the same old frustration.
- Jun Loayza
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