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Many associate this statement, “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” with weddings, but ironically it also applies to the workplace environment. Recently, a friend of mine was venting to me about how her boss was mistreating her and how sick she was of the entire situation. After she was done venting I asked her, “Did you tell your boss how you feel?” She answered, “No.” Now, before I tell you how I responded to my friend please note that I am not a callous person (I only warn you because some would view my response as so).
Now, I strive to be nice, helpful and patient, but I do have a tendency to be very direct (ironically, I think this is why people come to me for advice). Since I shared a little bit about my personality, hopefully this will give you insight into why I gave my friend this answer:
“Okay, I completely understand that your boss is treating you like a jerk, but this is your fault. If you are going to act like a doormat then you have to expect people to walk on you. Request to meet with your boss and tell her exactly how you feel—otherwise you need to quit complaining because you hold the key to changing this situation.”
I know your probably thinking, “What a bitch!” How could you say that to your friend?” The reason I said this to my friend is because she is my friend. I hate to see others being mistreated because I have been there myself and I know how it feels. However, I finally realized that although I cannot control others actions—I can control my reaction to them. Many people adhere to the old adage, “Just ignore it,” when they are being mistreated. In certain situations, yes it is okay to ignore it, but when you are dreading going to work because your boss makes you feel incompetent—just ignoring it is not going to solve your problem.
What will solve your problem is having a meeting with your boss and letting them know how you feel. I am not a “do as I say not as I do” type of person so rest assure I have performed the advice I offered to my friend. I realize people don’t like confrontations (me included). Ironically, when you confront someone who is mistreating you for some odd reason you feel like you did something wrong or are being too “sensitive.” Get that nonsense out of your head! If you feel like you are being mistreated then it is your responsibility to notify the other person of how you feel—regardless of what that title that person may hold. Just because someone is your boss does not give that person the right to belittle or degrade you.
Misery loves company and those that are miserable seek to bring down those that cause them to feel threatened. This is their (miserable people) sick way of feeling “good” about themselves at your expense. I refuse to have someone receive satisfaction from belittling me so no matter how awkward and uncomfortable I may feel—I will confront that person. I strongly believe in confronting those who seek to cause strife. As an adult, you should be man or woman enough to pull someone aside and say, “I do not know if you mean to come across like this, but I feel like (insert whatever emotion this person is acting like) and I want you to know that I will not tolerate anyone treating me this way.” When you confront those who seek to cause trouble they know that their “game” is up. Speaking from experience, after I have met with the “troublemaker(s)” they tend to straighten up (without needing additional meetings!) and give me the respect that I demand.
I know some people have a fear of being labeled “confrontational.” Some people are so afraid of being labeled “confrontational” that they end up allowing people to use them. Many people have bought into “disproving” this adage by failing to defend themselves. When you do not confront people who are causing conflict for fear of being labeled “confrontational” you are giving these people what they want—power. They want to feel powerful and your silence is feeding into their ego.
Those who seek to cause strife realize that if the shoe were on the other foot they would defend themselves against any accusations or behavior seeking to degrade them. Confronting someone who you feel has wronged you in a professional demeanor is not being “mean” or “sensitive” it is asserting the confidence and respect that God has instilled in all of us.
You’re probably wondering, “What if I get fired?” Speaking from experience, I have been on jobs where I have confronted my superiors. Guess what? I have NEVER been fired. I always left my position on my term, oftentimes for another position that paid more money and offered more opportunity for growth. Many times, the person I confronted was either embarrassed or shocked so needless to say—I never had anymore problems with that person. Plus, if your boss is willing to fire you for sharing your feelings, you need to ask yourself, “Is my dignity worth giving up over this job?” For me being fired for speaking up for myself was a risk I was willing to take—at least I would have peace.
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Comments
03.02.09
This is a fantastic blog! Indeed, your environment reacts to you, not the other way around, meaning it's your responsibility if you're being treated poorly.
Like you said, you can only control your own behaviour, not that of others, but it's amazing when you master your own reactions and mindset toward confrontations - other people's behaviours change accordingly. It's amazing how much our environment is the result of our own unique self-fulfilling prophecies. :)
03.02.09
I couldn't agree more! I call what your friend was doing the "victim effect." Taking all of the blame off of her and putting it onto someone else.
I do believe it is difficult to talk to bosses, but it's the only way. You'll never get fired from it (unless you do something really bizarre during the meeting).
Your directness is the reason people go to you for advice (as you said). I think how you answered was exactly what your friend must have been expecting. The only way any of us can change is to take responsibility for what goes on in our life. We're most likely not going to be able to change people, but we definitely can change the way we perceive, react, and respond to situations.
I liked this post a lot, LaTosha! A good follow up post could be a list of ways to go about talking directly to people (a boss, especially) without feeling nervous. I would love to read a list of tactics on how to approach a boss that is making you feel incompetent or, generally, just putting you down.
03.02.09
@Jamie Varon Hear hear! :)
03.02.09
I think it is great to advise individuals to address issues with their managers in a respectful and professional manner. However, I would caution that there are some bosses (the extremely difficult ones) that this approach wouldn't fly with.
I think the bottom line is the individual's desired outcome. Is your boss a reasonable person? Would having this discussion yield the desired outcome?
I've had my share of difficult bosses and addressing their criticism (even if unwarranted) can be tantamount to saying you don't want your job. For difficult bosses - particularly of the controlling variety - you might want to have one foot out the door (and an offer in hand) before you open your mouth.
03.02.09
@Heledd Thanks for the compliment! There are always going to be people out there who will try to get away with as much as possible. People need to realize that you are in charge of to what degree you will allow troublemakers to do so. I realize and agree that it can be scary to confront people (especially your boss), but if you don’t do so you will start chipping away at your self-esteem. Integrity is what makes us who we are and once that is lost, it is incredibly difficult to gain back.
@ Jamie Thanks for the compliment as well. You’re absolutely right referring to it as the “victim effect.” It’s so easy to blame someone else because it takes the pressure off of you doing something to change the situation. People have a tendency to take the easy way out and you are doing yourself a huge disservice. When people ignore those who are mistreating them it allows the troublemaker to feel powerful and gives them the urge to see who else they can tear down in order to make themselves feel better. Unfortunately, it also makes it tougher for people who are incredibly direct (like me) because these troublemakers expect everyone to act like a doormat. Hence, why people who are direct are labeled “confrontational.” It’s a sick ploy by those seeking to cause trouble to silence people from defending themselves. I definitely do not subscribe to this line of thinking!
By the way, in case anyone is wondering my friend and I are still friends!
Jamie, thanks for the follow up post suggestion. I will definitely do a blog post regarding comments—I definitely have some ideas based on prior meetings I have held.
03.02.09
@Keith Thanks for your comment. I totally understand that there are very difficult bosses out there (trust me—I have had my share of them!) but again as you stated it all boils down to the individual. However, as I stated in my post what is more important to you—keeping your job and allowing someone to mistreat you or standing up for yourself and risk losing your job? I have and will always choose the latter. Once you start allowing others to mistreat you, you will start to have self-esteem issues. It’s hard for many people to have confidence in themselves so why would you allow someone the satisfaction of taking it away from you? Again, it’s totally up to the individual but whether I have an offer or not, I will not allow anyone to mistreat me (when I confronted difficult bosses in the past I wasn’t even looking for a job).
03.02.09
@LaTosha
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Thus, I don't think someone mistreating you should have a tremendous impact on your self-esteem (as long as you don't allow it to).
03.02.09
@ Keith Thanks for commenting again. This is generating great discussion—I am always up for it! Your pride, dignity, and self esteem is what makes up your character and when you allow someone to take this from you, you are giving them permission to take away who you are.
If you keep allowing people to walk all over you it will turn into a domino effect whereby sooner or later you will start to believe that you are a doormat. Next thing you know you won’t be able to look at yourself in the mirror—no one should find themselves in this position. Many corporations don’t respect people in the first place so why would you lose who you are over a job? Again, it is up to the individual to make this decision, but I will not sacrifice who I am over a job.
03.02.09
At the last company I worked at people who were "confrontational" about poorly planned projects ("I don't think this project can be done in that time frame within this budget") were labeled "negative" or "toxic" by upper management and eventually shown the door.
I agree with Keith's analysis. Are the people you work with reasonable? If yes, than speaking to them in a professional, reasonable manner is probably good thing.
However, if the people you work with are irrational and unreasonable, then no amount of polite conversation will change their mind. Case in point: a friend of mine who has a legitimate case of age discrimination against her boss including documented incidents but her boss refuses to admit wrongdoing.
03.02.09
@Olive Thanks for your comment! Again, it's not about them it is about me, myself and I. As I stated before you have to be able to accept who you are and look yourself in the mirror. It’s not easy confronting people (especially your boss) but you have to decide what is more important to you. I refuse to comprise my standards. It did not matter to me whether my boss was reasonable or difficult—it did not matter. I refuse to allow anyone to mistreat me—that’s just asking for trouble in my book.
Again, I truly believe that you will start to believe all the negativity people are throwing your way if you choose to ignore being mistreated. It will have a domino effect and destroy who you are and once this is gone, you can't look yourself in the mirror and be happy. The demeaning comments will cause you to develop a inferiority complex and destroy your self esteem and once this happens you aren’t good for yourself or your company. You will lose the ability to be confident in your decision making which is why they hired you in the first place.
I don’t want to live a life of regrets. There are plenty of people who lose their jobs even though they just “ignored it.” These people are even angrier because they endured being mistreated just to keep their job and ironically they still lost their job (this happened to another friend of mine).
Things happen for a reason. If you are so focused on keeping a job at all cost you are missing out on other opportunities. You have to remember these people hired you–they did not buy you. When people fire you it forces you to do something better with your life. That's how a lot of entrepreneurs got started.
They spoke up to their boss and now they are sitting pretty—whose to say this can’t be you? However, many people never get to find out because they let fear get in the way.
03.02.09
Wow, I meant to say at @Office--not @Olive. Sorry! I hate it when I start thinking about too many things at once...
03.02.09
Excellent post. I can't say anything else, other than that I completely agree.
03.02.09
@ Megan Thanks I appreicate it! I'm in the midst of writing a follow up to this post.
03.02.09
I recently wrote a blog post on my blog about how I am not going to let others (managers specifically) tear me down and tell me what I should do in my career and what I should like or not like in my job. Currently dealing with a few managers who are forcing me to do what the company feels like I should enjoy doing and not where I would like to take my career. Looking elsewhere where I can take my job skills and be appreciated right now.
03.03.09
@Mark I completely agree with you. I believe people tear others down because they are insecure themselves. They don't have the guts to speak up to those bullying them so instead of standing up for themselves they choose to bully someone else in order to make them feel powerful.
By the way, I love your blog post on the subject. Very well said :)
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