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I’m a fan of sexual tension. I think it really has a lot of benefits that go unseen, especially when there is sexual tension at your work. Sometimes I even create tension to make work (when I had a job, at least!) more exciting and productive and interesting. Mundane tasks, such as filing or answering phones, were always more fun when there was a go-to person to flirt with. Now, I get it. Sexual harassment claims aside, there is much to be said about the unyielding and amazing force that is sexual tension.
I can’t think of a job I’ve had where I didn’t have someone to flirt with. Draining the coffee pots at the local grocery store where I checked was actually fun (and not terribly disgusting) when I could chat it up with the produce boy. Hell, one of the best marketing campaigns I’ve been a part of was birthed over beers with a former coworker after it had been acknowledged that we both felt the sexual chemistry. Granted, there have been times where my flirtatiousness has proved to be a hazard to my work environment, but that’s a whole other blog post.
For now, here are six ways to create sexual tension with someone at your work (or, at the very least, keep it going). Be warned: play it right here. Don’t take these tips and use them on people that aren’t receptive. Have some self-awareness and don’t make anyone uncomfortable. On to the list…
1. Sharpen your flirting skills.
People love to be flirted with. The best way to get anyone’s interest is to show interest in them. It’s this weird, untapped resource that I don’t think most people know about. You don’t have to be the smoothest, best looking person in the room to get a date. Just show interest and usually the other person will respond favorably. Truthfully, I hold back around people I know I’m not attracted to, because I know that once I start flirting, they will inevitably flirt back and then, uh oh, I’m in trouble.
2. Make a connection.
At work, people make connections in lots of different ways. Some connect by talking shop. Others connect by completely avoiding work conversations. But, whichever your way to connect with someone, use it. It works. I’ve had jobs where I’ve flirted and had tension with different people because I connected with each of them for various reasons. Work was always fun at those jobs and I never felt frustrated with any task, even when I had to refill the peppermint jar (going into the back of the restaurant was an adventure).
3. Be affectionate.
A simple swipe of the arm or a lingering hug goes a very long way. Subtle bursts of affection are, hands down, the easiest and most covert way to show any person that you have a slight interest. When I worked at the grocery store, I received about fifteen hugs a day; it was one of the best jobs I’ve had. Talk about great timing: the ever brilliant Penelope Trunk has a great piece about hugging at work on her blog today. Also, a couple summers ago I worked at a restaurant in LA and I can’t tell you how much fun I had being a hostess because the servers would come to my area and flirt incessantly with me. I received massages and kisses on the cheek and all of it just made filling up the supply of crayons or dealing with frustrating customers so much more bearable.
4. Have inside jokes.
When you have an inside joke with someone you’re attracted to, it makes everything more exciting. It feels like you are in on some secret that sets your relationship apart from everyone else. It’s special and intriguing and fuels the fire of sexuality. I had a job where a friend and I would flirt over the intercom or whenever he’d call the office; we had an inordinate amount of inside jokes and it was obvious that both of us enjoyed our job more because of each other.
5. Go out to Happy Hour.
Drinking with people will always loosen up the relationships. The things I have found out from coworkers after a couple of beers really could fill a book. To establish great working relationships, you need to have a vantage point outside of work. It’s difficult to have inside jokes or be comfortable to graze another person’s hand when you haven’t spent time outside of PowerPoint.
6. Don’t act on it.
This is a surefire way to ruin whatever mystery and intrigue you have going on with your coworker. Acting on it makes both people question how it will change things or if it will be awkward. Believe me, I acted on a fun flirtation back at the restaurant in LA and the excitement ended there. He seemed to want to go public with it and I absolutely did not want to. Needless to say, we spoke very little after that. Keep limits to the tension, because the flirtation should be harmless. The second it starts to get even remotely serious is when there’s a risk for it to go awry (and that’s the least fun thing to happen at work, believe me!).
The intrigue of the sexual tension has much to do with the fantasy. There’s something off-limits about workplace romances. They are always looked at with a shake of the head and a wag of the finger, but so many find themselves falling for their coworkers. So, remember to keep it harmless and light. There is much to be said about how interesting the workplace sexual tension can be, so have fun with it! I used to get mad at myself for always attracting and/or being attracted to someone at work, but I know now that it actually helps me to enjoy a job more.
What do you all think? What are your stories of workplace romance (god, do I sound like I’m writing an article for Cosmo, or what!?)?
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Comments
02.18.09
Excellent, nuanced post that honestly explores a taboo subject to which we can all relate.
02.18.09
Cosmo's got nothing on you...
This is also one of those situations that as much as you keep things in check, the other person needs to as well. I knew someone who had a guy in their office who flirted with everyone. It got to the point people assumed he always slept with the new girl (even if he didn't). He ended up losing a ton of respect because he couldn't turn it off. My friend had to stop doing anything remotely social (like eating lunch) with the guy to keep herself out of it. He was nice and totally harmless, but had no idea how being a 34-year-old flirt with the 22-year-olds looked to everyone else.
02.18.09
I appreciate all viewpoints, and while your post is excellently written and (I have to admit) pretty provocative, it does suggest behavior that can easily led to a damaged reputation and a quick termination.
I would advise anyone I know to take this piece as a tongue-in-cheek essay.
02.18.09
Agree with Rick here - this is a great observation on a situation many of us are faced with each day of the daily grind. Most important thing, don't act on it. Good thoughts here!
02.18.09
Sounds interesting. Doesn't work with engineers, especially if most of them are of the same gender.
I've found that flirting and any sort of real sexual tension in the workplace is distracting from the work at hand. I mean, when discussing the design of a ultrahigh pressure hydralic system, do you really want anyone diverted by flirting? Not us.
02.18.09
So basically just be a tease ;)
02.18.09
This can't be a serious advice!
02.18.09
It's absolutely tongue-in-cheek advice! I mean, yes, there is truth to this, but it can be abused (the same with ALL advice, ahem).
Thank you all for the comments so far!
@Kat - Flirting is teasing, ain't it? I think the word "tease" has a negative connotation in our culture for all the wrong reasons. It's fun to flirt with the idea of a sexual encounter... it's probably one of the most human things we can do.
@Emily - There will always be people that push the limits. Those are just the ones that should read this and absolutely assume it doesn't apply! Haha.
@Baron - As I said in the post, this behavior should never be taken too far. It, of course, CAN lead to termination (if abused) and that would not be good.
@Matt - Thank you!
@JRandom - Ultrahigh Hydraulic Pressure System? That sounds sexy!
@Ulyana - Eh, take it as you want. There's real things to take away from my post and there's some sarcasm. Extract from it what you will.
02.18.09
Jamie, only sexy if you don't have a containment failure, leak or blowout. Then it becomes truly lethal. Hydralic fluid pressured to 125,000 psi coming through a leak can cut an inch of titanium. I don't even want to think about what it does to a human body.
02.18.09
jrandom - That's what she said.
I think some sexual tension in the workplace can come in handy. If there were more women my age around my office that I was attracted to, I might be motivated to work harder to somehow "impress" them.
02.18.09
Great way to get yourself in trouble at work.
Flirting + Work don't go well together.
As a (cynical) man I can see sexual harassment written all over these attempts at "tension"
02.18.09
Damn Jamie you are hot. Interested in a NSA hookup?
02.18.09
Damn Jamie you are hot. Interested in a NSA hookup?
02.18.09
@JRandom - I'm sorry, but everything you're saying has sexual connotations. I can't help it.
@Phalange - Yes! We work harder if we are trying to impress someone. Thank you!
@Cynic - I've managed to have great office relationships by being flirtatious (but also being smart about it). Sexual harassment can be written all over these attempts, of course, IF they are abused.
@Anonymous - Haha. I don't think Brazen has become a classifieds site, but thanks for the offer.
02.18.09
Jamie,
I know you are having fun with this post, but an engineer I knew several years ago was killed when a poorly designed pressure collar failed during a 150,000 psi pressure test. The collar broke apart and a chunk of it hit him in the throat and beheaded him from 15 feet away.
It's been hard for me to joke about ultrahigh pressure hydralic systems since then.
02.18.09
Sounds like a great way to degrade yourself and compromise your livelihood and ultimately not be taken seriously at work. Instead of being known as competent and hard-working, you'll just end up being known as the work tease who distracts everyone else at work and acts inappropriately. This behavior also takes a giant leap back for women in the workforce. Congratulations on a job well done.
02.18.09
Wow, Susan. You read into my post incorrectly. And, I actually wonder if you read the whole thing.
I just took a giant leap back? I'm pretty sure telling me I would be a work tease, because I'm talking about sexuality, is a giant leap back for women. What happened to feminism being about the freedom of sexuality? The anti-imprisonment of our bodies? The freedom to express ourselves in whatever manner we want?
Go to any current feminist blogs or news outlets and you'll notice that what YOU just said to ME is actually the giant leap backward. The work tease? Same thing as "slut-shaming." And flirting harmlessly with someone is acting inappropriately? Next you're going to tell me to read The Rules when I start talking about dating.
02.18.09
Interesting. I guess it only works if you are good at flirting... =P
02.19.09
Susan - The gist of the post wasn't, "How to Shamelessly Flirt Your Way to the Top!". A little harmless flirtation in the workplace never hurt anyone, except for wound-up fem-nazi tightwads like yourself.
And here's an interesting tidbit, unfortunately I cannot find the link to the actual study:
"March 1, 2005
Sexualized encounters in some work situations can actually contribute to building camaraderie in a workforce, according to a new study by a University of Washington sociologist who examines sexual banter and power in the workplace."
02.19.09
@June - You're probably better at flirting than you think. =)
@Phalange - Thanks for quoting that study! You're great!
02.19.09
Jaime, I'm curious...
If you initiated this kind of flirting and it turned into you being sexually harassed at work by the person you started it with to the point you couldn't do your job - would you go to HR and try to have something done about it? Would you be honest and share that you started it? What would you do if this post was then presented as evidence against you and there was proof that you launched the entire encounter?
I do realize this was meant to be a more light-hearted post, but it has such serious ramifications. I've seen them first-hand...
I have had to career coach several men who have been terminated for 'alleged sexual harassment' but never convicted. You want to talk about how difficult it is for them to get work?! It's not easy to explain why you were let go in that situation. And, all of them say the same thing, 'she started it' or 'it was harmless flirting.' Everyone's definition of this is different and you just can't predict how someone you barely know is going to react on the job.
I'm with many others who have posted, you are definitely playing with fire with this advice.
02.19.09
JT - There will always be people who go too far. There will always be that person who couldn't just have ONE drink at the party who then ruins it for everyone else. There will always be the people who take flirting too far. There will always be people who will abuse power or money or sex or people.
Let me ask you... these men that you've coached, you sure they were as innocent as you are making them out to be? It's easy to say you're innocent and say SHE STARTED IT when it's not true.
I think some people truly do get wrongly accused for sexual harassment. And, that's unfortunate. But, that doesn't mean we can't talk about issues such as flirting in the workplace out of fear that we're going to be accused of sexual harassment. The rules are not protecting people then.
You're asking me if I would admit to "starting it" with someone if I decided to turn someone in for sexual harassment? What? Why would I turn someone in for sexual harassment that I befriended? I, unlike some people, are cautious about who I flirt with. I wouldn't run into that situation. I mean, if someone started STALKING me because I flirted with him, then that's on them, not me. And yeah, I'll show someone this post -- because anyone in their RIGHT mind would see that I am not ASKING to be harassed in this post.
Next, are you going to go to all the women's blogs that talk about sex and say they are asking for rape?
Sheesh, lighten up.
02.20.09
Interesting response Jamie.
Let me clairify - I never said all the guys in question were innocent. I only told you what they said, the challenges they faced as a result of engaging in this type of behavior and how they saw the situation. Although, I do believe there are cases where they are innocent, or at least the other side should take some a degree of ownership of what happened.
I only asked the question to get your thoughts. I also asked because I know of a similar case, where the female got accused by the male for harassment - basically for all the things you are suggesting in your post. Her professional credibility is ruined right now.
No, I guess I can't 'lighten up' as you suggest because I'm in HR and I unfortunately see too many of these things go very badly. It's just my perspective. You posted it, so I assumed you'd be up for discussion and some hypothetical talk.
And no, of course I won't be visiting women's blogs that talk about sex and say they are asking for rape. (Now it's your turn to lighten up.) I never suggested rape - that wasn't what I meant at all. Harassment usually involves being made to feel uncomfortable to the point of being unable to do your job. Brazen Careerist is a career blog designed to build dialog to enhance all genders careers - so, it made sense to comment here when the subject was something that has harmed a lot of people (of all genders) professional credibility.
PS - As you pointed out, there are a lot of people who make a mistake and go too far. That was the point of my post. Even when we feel we have the best judgment in a situation, we might still make a mistake because we can't account for the actions of others. They are variables that can make the best intentions go wrong.
Thanks for the dialog and even though I'm sure you don't believe me, I do look forward to more posts from you. You have an engaging writing style and great passion.
02.20.09
Although, I do believe there are cases where they are innocent, or at least the other side should take some a degree of ownership of what happened.
This certainly seems to be true in a lot of cases, not just sexual harassment claims. People are quick to be victims, but not so quick to own up to their involvement.
I also asked because I know of a similar case, where the female got accused by the male for harassment - basically for all the things you are suggesting in your post. Her professional credibility is ruined right now.
What was the whole story here? I mean, I have a hard time thinking someone would turn another person in for sexual harassment if they were just being innocent (as I wrote about). Of course, like I said, my "tips" could be misinterpreted and abused, but it seems like someone who would do that, is going to do it regardless of if they read this piece or not.
No, I guess I can't 'lighten up' as you suggest because I'm in HR and I unfortunately see too many of these things go very badly.
I respect that and do apologize if I was defensive. Sometimes my passion for these issues can translate into defensiveness. But, anyways, I do understand that it is difficult to look at these things lightly when you are in HR. I have a question for you though: How can people talk about these sorts of things (like flirting in the workplace - something that happens a lot), without feeling like they will be facing the repercussions of potential sexual harassment? How do issues that are important to the dynamics of a work place (or life, in general) get discussed without feeling like it will be used as evidence (like you suggested in your previous comment)? It's a hard space to navigate, wouldn't you agree?
And no, of course I won't be visiting women's blogs that talk about sex and say they are asking for rape. (Now it's your turn to lighten up.)
Agreed! I apologize.
Even when we feel we have the best judgment in a situation, we might still make a mistake because we can't account for the actions of others.
Hmmm. What's the work around here? Personally, I think the less discussion we have about topics that we are afraid to speak about, the more informed people become. And, with awareness, people might be more likely to have good judgment. What do you think?
I am all about the dialog! And I do hope you read more of my posts. I look forward to your responses!
02.24.09
I love this! It's always better to have a little hint of anticipation every time you get an email. It's always awesome to turn the corner and see your work flirt buddy.
Bravo. I enjoy the sexual tension - it makes the day go by faster.
03.05.09
I know I had a lot more fun in the workplace back when.I'm talkin' about the '70's baby.
Giant leap backward? Hardly.I think Jamie is really just saying
to lighten up a little people.
It is my opinion that there is no harm in letting some of the people you work with know that you actually like them.
05.26.09
Jamie,
Thanks for the tips. However I guess that if you think there is someone at work that can be a potenial partner, why pass up on the chance?
If I meet someone at work that I really like, when I feel safe that he feels the same way, I would definitely date him. Of course this would have to be kept very personal if the boss is not ok with it.
But if the guy is cute and I feel that he is no good for me, no of course I wouldn't risk my rep at work for a couple of dates.
You know what I am saying?
06.08.09
This is a really good discussion with valid points by all. (I read them all!) I've worked in the service industry during university, the USA corporate environment, and at the United Nations in NYC for a good while. What Jamie is writing about is valid taken into context. In the service industry light flirting complemented the light flirting approach we took toward customers as a part of customer service, and for good tips - haha. It was not sexual but a communicative extension of our very natures and biology. At the UN there was much more permissiveness of work contextual flirting because in the multicutural environment, varying cultural mores were embraced, and you learned to gauge the person with whom you were interacting. Of course, sexual harassment and sexual advances were not tolerated anywhere in the above two examples. My worry is that in the USA corporate environment, taboos are being created with such a sterilized, non-human approach that it is actually hurting the workplace and leading employees to fear/avoid basic human interaction and modes of expression. We are deprogramming or rather reprogramming our basic modes of connecting and replacing it false behaviors. JT's extreme posting reflects that zealous corporate condemnation of our basic millennia-old capacity to flirt that is embedded in our psyche. By creating fear of the obvious attractions our species has, we are creating depression and absence of self in the workplace. Of course, sexualizing these flirtations is not appropriate, but Jamie's article speaks to basic communication and is well-written.
06.08.09
Great post--while many strictly observe the "no dating coworkers" policy, having some light office banter definitely makes the day a bit more entertaining. So long as you don't go overboard or act in any way that is unprofessional, who wouldn't want a little friendy banter?
08.04.09
I don't mind sexual tension in the workplace, it probably makes the day go by faster. However i've never been good at reading signals from women. I think mostly women create the sexual tension.I've had women bump into me( breast or hip first ask questions later, and it wasn't one of those bumps that could be interpreted as avoidance. At my workplace gossip travels pretty fast and most of them know im single. The question i have is ( since im not a playa with the ladiez) why do women tease me and then play dumb? If you like me just come right out and say it. Some days they talk to me, and some days complete avoidance. Most of them are with boyfriends but still continue to tease? why do they do that?
10.05.09
I have something to say about sexuality in itself. Call me whatever you like, ice queen,lame, frigid. I'll ne that. I am a firm believer in " not getting mt meat where I make my bread at". I also believe that there's a time and place for all of that. Its not in the work place. (well depending where you work). I get upset with women who believe that other women should show less and less restraint about sexuality. They remind of the females who tried to pressure me in highschool to lose my virginity because all of the girls were doing it. "LOOSEN UP THEY SAY, LIGHTEN UP THEY SAY". All I ever wanted was to keep my legs closed until I met my husband. But noooo, These women set sexual tensions so high that any female in my neighborhood that wasn't having sex, got raped. Including me, I want to thank you women out their for flirting with the hormones of men. When men run across women who aren't overly flirty or provocative. We catch hell.
Now don't get me wrong, I've been in the Air Force during desert storm around the finest men. I've dealt within the ranks of power, nice looks, nicebods, money, testosterone, and raging hormones, alcohol, and happy hour. I have stomped with big dogs, and learned men. If you really know men, then you know that its foolish to tempt them sexually. Innocent or otherwise. You must know someone mentally and fully. Too many women have ended up raped and killed because of built up sexual tensions at work or at home.
This very moment I am being sexually harassed by a coworker who was just terminated because he was sexually attracted to me and my other coworker.We were all three working together in a tight office.
She(my other coworker) would support you fully. She was the one who was huggy, kissy, cleavage out, short skirts, legs open all the time. All up on every man in the office. With her married self. The other men was waiting for me to slide up and down the corporate strippers pole and when I didn't , They was hard on my evaluations and promotions.
Now I am being promoted for being intelligent, not flirty. I said all this to say. If more women kept their mouth and legs shut, did their jobs and flirted and had sex with their own husbands. The workplace would be better for erverybody.
10.05.09
I apologize for sounding harsh but I am a beautiful woman and I am aware that I am very desirable.
But my purpose in the workplace is for survival for my family. That other nonsense is unnecessary
10.07.09
After reading everything including the comments, it really begs the question - where's the good balance for sexual tension to be found in a particular workplace? Bear in mind that group dynamics, working environment, organisation culture and the required level of professionalism has direct impact on its acceptable level.
Am all of lightening up workplaces - and am sure creating sexual tensions is only one of the many approaches. Will there be additional discussions/insights in enabling a fun workplace?
08.11.10
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12.13.10
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12.27.10
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01.27.11
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