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For the 4th year in a row, I didn't get to spend Valentine's Day with my significant other.
Now before you roll your eyes and a huge groan escapes from your mouth, I promise this post does not entail me whining bitterly about it. Quite frankly, I could really care less.
However, I gave a lot of thought to the significance of Valentine’s Day, which eventually led me to think about relationships. The dynamic between different couples has always intrigued me.
For starters, I’m 22-years-old and I’m getting married this year. Our engagement was of no surprise to our friends – the same tight-knit group since childhood – because I’ve dated the same guy for years. Now that we’re engaged, we jokingly toss around assumptions about whose going to be next in line and the most frequent responses are:
I realize that there is no expectation for marriage in our early 20’s because at this age, our utmost concern is stability. Not to mention, jumping into the commitment of marriage is foolish if you’re not prepared because it is a lifelong decision. But why is marriage not even a consideration for so many of us today?
Now come back with me to this past weekend, when my parents forced me to go wedding gown shopping and I reluctantly agreed. As their only child, I figured they would only get to experience this once, so they eagerly brought me to at least five different stores. The employee remarks were all consistent in their search for answers:
I gather from these comments that I look young.
Well, younger than they're used to.
I told my fiancé about the whole endeavour and he was shocked: “Someone actually asked you if you were pregnant? Were you not offended? It’s not like you’re a 16-year-old shopping for a gown. You’re 22 for goodness sakes."
After these occurrences, I’m left with a lingering question:
Is it really unusual to find a person in their early 20s who is actually making a reasonable decision about marriage? As a generation: are we waiting for marriage/family?
A couple generations ago, young marriages were the norm because having a family early was a sign of success.
These days, landing a great career at a young age is our definition of success. It’s the first thing on our agendas and understandably so - as a graduate fresh out of university and a whole life ahead of me, figuring out how to pay my way through this life is a top priority for me too. But this shift in mindset has result in the idea of marriage and family to take a backseat. When did family lose its value to careers?
What's your take?
It's hard to qualify yourself as an authority on something so serious to people as the topic of love when you say things like, "I could care less"
I believe you meant to say that you, "Couldn't care less"
Congratulations, Cecilia! Some of the happiest people I know were married in their early to mid-twenties, as was I. There are pros and cons to getting married at any point in life. One person's right time is another person's too early. Marriage has required a lot of sacrifices - some quite considerable - but it has also proven extremely rewarding in expected and unforseen ways. I wouldn't wish marriage on any unprepared soul. Nor would I wish a single life on someone devoted to marriage.
Many young people would probably prefer to make money and enjoy the single life rather than make the sacrifices necessary for marriage. What's the rush?
In my case, I never considered getting married in my early 20s because there was simply no expectation or opportunity. I wasn't even allowed to date in high school, and I didn't show much interest anyway. I'm kind of a slow developer. To add to that, I've never been keen on the idea of marriage or raising a family. The lifestyle just doesn't seem appealing. Of course, a life centered around a career doesn't seem appealing, either.
Married early often solves problems of not maturing together, at a more similar pace. Difference of age, times and experiences are also minimized, to some degree.
The difference between women in Generation Y and the generation before us, are the options we now have post graduation. Now an MRS is not the only degree that we spend thousands of money on, we can actually use that bachelors degree to get a job! We no longer need a guy in order to have an income post graduation. This option leaves the doors open to so many different paths we can take. I have one friend who is already engaged, the rest of my girlfriends are single and looking for jobs just like all of my guy friends. Personally, I don't think lesser of women in their 20s who get married early, but I do think they should consider getting a job in addition. To be able to be supportive on your own is such an important and special thing. We now have the capability to have two lives, one professional and one personal. Both are equally important and enjoyable in the grand scheme of things.
Congratulations Ceclia! Best wishes!
I could never marry at such an age, but my parents didn't marry until quite late into their twenties, both having had decent careers and well able to live on their own and support themselves.
If I marry, and I'm not big on the concept,I want someone who is a full adult, who makes their own decisions and has had a certain degree of life experience - travel, work, education - and by that will have a good idea of who he is. I assume whoever I would marry would also be the type to want the same thing in me.
Knowing who you are helps you know what you want, and in the case of committing myself to someone forever I believe I could be a totally different person in ten years. This may not be the case for others, so this is purely subjective.
I'm sure everyone knows a few totally happy couples who married in their teens and twenties and are still together, but that iS snot usually the case. I don't know statistically how it pans out but I do believe statistics should always be taken into account. In general, those who married younger in life have higher divorce rates, while those who have more education have lower divorce rates. Highly educated people who married later in life have the lowest likelihood of divorce.
Marrying early has a lot has to do with finding the "right" partner, and being sure about it. If you want be with someone, then age has little to do with that decision.
That said, couple marrying young are often warned that this is the "first flush of love" & may not last...that can be quite a deterrent - esp seeing that a lot of marriages dont quite last.
Been married since I was 18 and now 5 years in and still going strong. Everyone laughed and doubted us. The divorced despise us.
I met this female. We screamed and danced all night. Everything felt perfect, secure, and bright. The next day we were engaged and I still today am unable to describe the energy that surrounded us that night. I actually had friends beat the crap out of me for such a "stupid decision". I had recieved her fathers blessing, a black curly haired, Catholic, italian from Bronx. Three months later I was to deploy so we decided to get married a little early.
Never, ever let people discourage you. If there is one thing I have found, it is that the divorced will constantly compare their failed marriage and tell you why yours wont work. How great being single again is. How bad and how much you do not know about marriage...which is correct to an extent.
My favorite being the "You dont know, just wait and see. X did this and that to me. You will see, just wait." Or the famous omg im 21 now break out phase.
Im not saying my wife and I are 100% perfect, but its not looking bad either. A few years after we met we found out we went to the same kindergarten. Crazy.
Marriage is not something you just plan on March 12th, 2015. I was pretty party hardy prior to meeting her and never ever ever wanted to get married...until I saw her. Its hard and their are many many sacrafices and sometimes rough decisions involved.
At the end of the day she is totally worth it. At 23, its nice to know if something ever happend to me I know she is taken care of and can take care of herself. If im around long enough, im ready to spend the rest of my life until her old ass turns to dust.
We have supported each other no less than the first day we met.
She is my life, my Juliet, my best friend, my Punk Rock Princess, and things I want to say NSFW. So, it is definitely possible no matter what others say.
Thank you so much for all of your comments! It's interesting to see all the different views on the topic - it's clear that it's not a very black and white subject in both opinion and life experience. Also, thanks for your kind wishes - I really appreciate the support :)
The majority of young people nowadays care more about themselves. I'm not saying it's selfishness or a bad thing, but more individualism in a sense.
If you do found someone worth marrying for and he/she wants to marry you back for what you are, the perfect soulmate etc then that's great. There should be no reason to look at someone any less because they marry early or marry later.
But i think in the end, it comes down to the individualisticness of a person, so no it's not odd at all to see someone in their early 20s making reasonable decision about getting married. Or someone like me, who don't want to get married in a decade (or two).
If we're talking about "values" that's been put aside, well sort of really.
For men even though I can't speak for them, but the idea of finishing college then finding a stable job for providing a family was always there for them. So they already have the whole "career" in their mindset anyway.
For women, the fact that there had been a lot of women's right and what not being overhauled for the better we have now come to the era that women can and will stand on their own two pretty heels, great jobs, careers, etc. I think we're just catching up. 50 years ago, best accomplishment for a girl out of school was probably to marry well.
I don't want to marry young, don't want to have babies, don't want to have a relationship that's too complicated because i don't have the time anyway. What I know I do want is to have a succesful career, i want to buy a house, get a nice sport car, and maybe lots of moolah in the bank.
50 years ago, the only way to accomplish this for a girl is probably to marry rich. I don't even want a rich guy, i just want me on the driver seat and no passengers. I can't speak for all the women, but a lot of my girl friends who probably have better more awesome careers than me seems to think the way I do.
I do know what love is and experienced it too. Crashed and burnt, rinse repeat, etc etc etc. The whole lot. I could be bitter, but i did learnt that having $$$ helps soothe things to a degree so that's my take on life.
=)
First I would like to extend my congratulations! Being engaged and planning a wedding/marriage is a very exciting (and sometimes stressful) time and it's definitely an experience that you'll remember.
I also sympathize with you completely. My husband and I began dating when I was 16, he proposed a few weeks after I turned 21 (though we had been discussing the possibility since I was 19) and we were married four days after my 24th birthday. Apparently, we are too young to be "settled down" so quickly in the eyes of many of our friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances. Then you had people on the other side of the argument wondering why it took us so long to get hitched in the first place. It was hard dealing with such conflicting views thrown at us constantly.
That said - no one knows you better than yourself. They may have their opinions and ideas of what's best for you but in the end the decision is yours. But the important thing is that you give your decision long and hard thought. You don't want to rush into something as important (and hopefully long-lasting) as marriage.
Thankfully, it sounds like you have given this some thought. You have been dating your significant other for quite some time and you seem genuinely happy. I don't think you're too young to be getting married nor do I think you would be too old if you waited another 20 years. Marriage is a very personal decision made between you and your partner and should not be taken lightly. When the time is right, you will know. I wish nothing but the best for you!
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