Already a member?
Welcome to Brazen Careerist!
Emily Ma is using Brazen Careerist to share ideas. Join now to become a member and start networking with Emily Ma and other professionals just like you. Learn more.
Brazen careerist
Where ambitious young professionals connect and grow
Email
Print
Now that I am finished with my graduate studies (Masters) everyone’s giving me THE LOOK and THE QUESTIONS. This has to be the longest running dilemma of my life but I kid you not, with each milestone, the questions begin.
“Soooo, when are you guys planning on having children?”
“You’re going to be pregnant by the end of 2010 right?”
“You guys are waiting awfully long to have kids arent you?”
“When are you going to join the rest of us?”
“So ... is there a problem, when y’all gonna bless us with some kids!!! What’s the hold up!?”
To which we reply, “in due time, we’re on our own time line…“ It doesn’t help that I am planning to apply to a doctoral program and am now met with frowns and questions around how I plan to make it all happen. I honestly want to tell people to mind their frigging business! This is my womb, not yours! It’s bad enough that I have the burden of sacrificing the time in my life where I reach my highest earning potential.
There are days when I think we should have gotten pregnant in our first year and there are days when I’m happy that we are waiting. Then there are days when I think I should just leave it all up to happenstance but if you know me, and know me well, then you know I can’t live life like that. Everything needs to be planned down to the last detail. My mom and I were discussing possible nanny options just in case I do get pregnant during the program because I have no plans on quitting half way through. Enough women have gone down this path for me to know that it is possible. And, she gave me a few people that I’d be able to consider when the time comes. I don’t foresee doing this all by myself. I’m even toying with getting pregnant with twins to lessen the amount of time I’d be pregnant as I’m not looking forward to going through childbirth more than once?
Aside: Do any of you obsess about this as much as I do?
As I plan out the next 3-5 years of my life (and yes you should be too) I need to think about whether or not we should start having children this year but I risk being pregnant during my program interview OR giving birth right before the interview and neither are preferable options for me. Why can’t I be pregnant on the program interview? Well, do you think a major corporation would hire a woman who is 6 months pregnant? Nope! It’s sad, that being pregnant would make professors and adcomms question my ability to be committed to the program and that they aren’t more flexible in this regard. But these are the hands I’ve been dealt as a woman so Im learning to roll with the punches.
I dare not ask or make the statement “they wouldn’t ask my husband how the kids will be taken cared of or if he would still be as committed to his job..” And that’s because as women we are looked upon as primary caregivers because well, we carry the kid for 9 months! I’m totally fine with that, believe it or not.
2009 is the first year I will have FREE of graduate school, working in a field I love and being able to spend more free time with my husband. We met in graduate school and I just feel that I want more time as a free spirited married couple with no obligations other than to pay our bills on time, so that’s part of it as well. But in 2010 I will need to figure out how and when we will pull off having our first child. At this point, I think the best option will be to have a baby in my first year as I hear that is the easiest because of the lighter course load or get pregnant now and have the baby before interviews are slated to begin in 2010.
Decisions, decisions.
Any advice for me and what I should do? Have any of you been in this situation where you had to balance educational and career endeavors with family planning?
For more timely, relevant, and engaging articles,
subscribe to Brazen Careerist.
- A New Kind of Business Mover and Shaker
- How To Find a Writing Partner Who Can Help You Achieve Your Goals and Make More Money
- Continuing Education: Extending Learning Beyond Your Campus Years
- Why You Might Be Better Off Without a Job After College
- The Anti-Stalker’s Guide for Converting Online Contact into Real World Collaboration
Comments
02.10.09
You mentioned you wanted to be 'a free spirited couple with your husband'. Having a baby now would not accomplish that.
Also, if you have a baby your first year, you'll be pregnant during your easiest course load. When the baby comes and needs the most attention from you, you will be getting into your heavier course loads.
Whether you like it or not you have to plan on spending 50% of your time with your child. Both you and your husband. Ignore the questions people are asking you and don't feel like you need to make this decision right now. Sure, planning is great and you feel good when you plan, but if you honestly don't know if you're ready for it, or if you'll have time with everything else you want to do then put off making the decision for a few months. Sometimes you just need a little more time to think about this.
It is a big decision and will change your life completely, its worth taking the extra time to make sure you feel like you're making the right decision.
"Some things in life are worth not planning" :)
02.10.09
And the biological clock goe "Tick Tick" just like on the opening of "60 Minutes".
02.10.09
What's the rush? If you're not looking at age-related pregnancy issues, and you have other things you want to accomplish or enjoy first, do those other things first.
At the same time, it's good to keep in mind that some people have no trouble getting pregnant right away, and others take much longer. This can be true even in your 20s; I've known people in both situations.
That doesn't mean that you have to start now. But it does mean that taking the longer term view, as you seem to be, is smart. Figure out what's important to you and give yourself enough time to do it. Things don't always happen according to plan, so it's best not to put too much importance on timetables, which are often rather arbitrary.
02.10.09
No rush. I get it from my mom all the time, "when are you two going to get married?" I told her the same thing you said above, "in due time."
I'm in a PhD program right now and sometimes feel like I've put my personal life on hold. But I prioritized what I wanted to do when I decided to come here, and realize that I've got plenty of time to have a family in a few short years.
Best of luck!
02.10.09
Great post, I have a friend struggling with many of these same issues.
The Good News: How old are you? I'd say if you are still under 30 you are fine. Between 30 and 35 you might really need to take it seriously, but I wouldn't rush into it.
The Bad News: Though there is that biological clock, some people still have trouble even during their "fertile" years. So getting pregnant now doesn't guarantee it will be any easier than a few years from now.
The Worst News: Getting a job while pregnant is extremely tough if not impossible. Unfortunately, you should be prepared to deal with the prejudice that employers will show you as a young, married woman. They will assume you want kids, and assume it is only a few years before you run off to have kids and leave the company. There is no way to assure them of loyalty, even if you did not plan to have kids. It will never be enough, it is just inherent in the system until men start sharing equal load in child-rearing.
Good luck and follow your heart! If you want kids more than you want a career, maybe now IS the time to have kids!
02.10.09
"It will never be enough, it is just inherent in the system until men start sharing equal load in child-rearing."
Fortunately, more and more Gen X fathers are doing just that. It's a much better framework for families, IMO.
Got Something To Say?
Got Something To Say?
Not a Member? Brazen Careerist is a career management tool for next-generation professionals. Set up a free account today to comment on this post and start sharing your ideas. Learn more.
Login to view your networks!
 |
 |
|
|
 |
