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Over the last few months I’ve seen more than a few posts pop up from Gen Y-ers regarding the institution of marriage.
I have to say, it’s been really sad for me to see how many people in Gen-Y are jaded about marriage and it makes me wonder how future generations will view it.
I can understand why people are so worried about becoming one of the statistics – that was something my fiancé was concerned with before we got engaged. To be fair – neither of us have divorced parents and our parents get along very well together, so that may have some impact on how our views of marriage evolved.
That being said, we did not rush into the decision to get engaged – in fact, we had been discussing it for over 6 months. We had purchased a book with 1000 questions to ask before we got married which made us discuss chores, money, kids, careers, insecurities, conflict management, etc.
One of the most important things we learned is that in a serious relationship you really need your partner to be flexible and willing to compromise. I think that is the foundation to a strong a relationship that will last.
My fiancé and I have been together for over 2 and a half years and have been engaged for 7 months. We’ve spent much of that time in a long distance relationship as she lives in San Francisco and I live in Austin – and it still works. We are both whole-heartedly committed to each other.
Ultimately, the reason I asked her to marry is because I cannot stand the idea of not having her in my life. So much so that if something ever happened to her, I don’t know what I would do with my life – because she is my life.
The turning point for me was one day when my mom made a simple comment, “You know Dominic, you always talk about getting engaged, but you don’t do anything about it – so I’m beginning to doubt it’ll happen.” And it hit me – there is no other person in the world I want to be with and nothing makes me happier than holding her in my arms and waking up next to her in the morning.
Falling in love was the easy part – discussing the questions and seeing the challenges we’ll be facing was difficult, but I know without a doubt in my mind there is no one else in the world I would rather have standing by my side as we face those challenges together. I think that level of commitment may be a commitment Gen-Yers are afraid to make.
All I know is that she’s strong, fiercely independent, and a little stubborn – but I love her all the more for it and I am excited out of my mind to be marrying her.
So what are your thoughts about marriage?
I don't think allowing your fiance to become your entire life is healthy.
I love my boyfriend very much, but I also know that my life will continue on if something were to happen to him or us. Yet we are very committed to each other.
I think one of the reasons why Gen-Y is hesitant and resistant to marriage is because of your relationship. You are so absorbed in your relationship that you would go as far to say that your life couldn't continue without your fiance. Gen-Y wants to be able to have independence in a relationship and not have to devote their entire life and time into their significant other. They are okay with healthy relationships where they don't spend every waking moment with the other person just because they are 'together'.
Marriage also has a nasty reputation for being a broken institution. Divorce rates are high, spousal abuse is prevalent and this is what is being splattered into articles and news stories. Sure, not everyone gets divorced, but divorce is also difficult for everyone.
Is there something wrong with our generation if we choose to take our time instead of jumping into a relationship-be it a 'healthy' one or not?
Well said Anonymous!!
OP - Good for you that you are engaged, but you do need to have your own life. Not healthy that your finace is your life....
Sounds like he is still trying to justify his actions and seeking approval on his decision from others. Pathetic.
I got engaged at 22 and married at 25. It felt young - we were the first in our crowd to do it. It allowed us to build our lives together - to invest in each other's educations and careers, to take months off and travel, to decide together where in the world we should live and whether and when to have kids.
For our friends who got married later in life, each person made all those decisions on his own (her own) and brought those "deal-breaker" issues along on first dates and into negotiations about "where the relationship is heading."
Not everyone finds true love, and plenty of people who do find it screw it up by not putting it first. The most important thing to be is together. The other pieces of your life will be placed around that; some pieces will fit better than others.
I commend Dominic for putting his feelings out there, knowing he would get criticized. He isn't afraid to show how he feels about his fiancee, and that she is the center of his life. He is prioritizing the way he feels he needs to, because it is important to him. Why is that wrong? Because he isn't saying, I must make more money and put my career first? Success is defined differently for each person. If Gen Y is supposed to be so accepting of people, this shouldn't be an issue. Live and let live.
@Anonymous 1 -
Thanks for your response! I can absolutely see your point of view regarding the healthiness of our relationship and how many in Gen-Y believe in being independent in their relationships - and that's great! I support that 100%. I just think from my perspective, if I didn't have someone that meant as much to me as my fiance does - I don't think I could marry her. That being said, my fiance and I live in separate cities - so we are far from spending every single moment together, in fact, we see each other once a month. I guess my point is that she's my best friend, love of my life, and I just can't imagine her not being in my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking your time with relationships at all - I think I may have been really fortunate to find my fiance as early as I did.
@Chad -
I hope I addressed your thoughts above - let me know what else your think! I'd be happy to hear it.
@Anonymous 2 -
I'm not sure I understand how I'm searching for approval. Can you elaborate a little bit more? I'm happy with my life and I wouldn't change a thing in the world. Thanks!
@GenXMom -
Thanks for your comment! I think you're absolutely right - one of the things my fiance and I discussed was that we want to be able to enjoy our relationship with each other before we decide to have kids and settle down. I think we both want to develop our life around our relationship and our marriage - I hope that'll give use a strong foundation for when we get older and face other challenges in life.
@Kyle -
I completely agree with you Kyle. I think I might have different priorities than some people in our generation - I very much believe that my family and fiance come before anything else. Thanks!!
I may have interpreted Dominic's statement incorrectly, but when he said that his fiance is his life, I don't think that automatically means everything else was dropped or worthless. I do believe that when you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, your priorities shift. You can still have a great, successful career and incredibly fulfilling activities of your own...but you choose those with your significant other in mind.
While it's clearly unhealthy to drop everything when you find the person you want to marry...I don't think it's unhealthy to modify your individual decisions and make the moves (career or otherwise) that benefit both you and your significant other, not only yourself - marriage is a team sport.
@Meghan
I couldn't have said it better myself. Perhaps saying she is my life was a poor choice of words, but you really hit the nail on the head.
My point was that now every major decision I make is in regards to how it will impact our lives vs. my life. We still have our own interests and hobbies to be sure, for example, I'm a gamer and she's not. She'll play with me occasionally, but would usually rather be doing the things she enjoys.
Thanks for the comment! I think you really helped clarify the point I was trying to make.
I don't think it's fair for all you commenters to criticize someone for caring and loving about someone else! Ultimately, I think relationships & family are very important, and I think these are the things that will matter to you the most in the end - not necessarily your wealth or your success.
Dominic, you seem to be exceptionally loving, caring, and committed to your fiance. I think this sort of commitment goes a long way and it will help you guys stay together in the long run. And since you two are actually having a long distance relationship, I would say that you seem to have built up a really good way of staying loving while also getting on with your own life. I'd say its unhealthy to not have a life apart from your fiance, but since you are living separate lives and managing just fine you don't seem to have that problem! Best of luck, I'll root for you :D
Make sure you get a prenup
Wow, someone writes about the love that they have for another person and the committment they are willing to make and the comment section becomes an assault rifle! Jeez. I didn't take it literally when he said that his fiancee was his life. And I certainly don't presume to know anything about them beyond this blog entry so I wouldn't begin advise on the health of his relationship or the process of getting a prenup. I think that there is just something wholly ridiculous about being purposefully cynical about love and marriage. I agree, there is a lot of divorce and there is nothing wrong with waiting until later in life to make that committment (if at all). But there is also nothing wrong with get married to a person at 25 if it feels right, I mean you are an adult afterall. And it seems to me that he wasn't attacking anyone so I'm not sure there is any reason to go for the juggular, Annoymous.
That being said, I personally believe in love and marriage for everyone :-) I am enjoying building a life with my significant other and planning for our future together. I don't have any judgments or thoughts about people who don't want to get married because frankly, it doesn't really affect my life lol. So congrats Dominic, I wish you two the best!
First of all, Congrats on the pending nuptials. Also, I think this is a great post dedicated to your fiancee. In a society where you don't hear too many men express their (un)dying affection for their Significant Other, it's refreshing to see it unabashedly put on display.
I could write a WHOLE other post about men and their reluctance to share the warm fuzzy feelings, but I think your writing shows someone with a level head following his heart and not afraid to do so.
Thanks, D!
I haven't read through all of the comments, so please forgive me if I'm repeating something that someone else has already said.
Here's the "quick" version of what I'm thinking:
While at 24, I am nowhere near ready to settle down to get married [the demise of my last relationship]. However, I completely respect the fact that you've found someone that makes you feel so wonderful.
People meet their significant others at various stages, and that's a hard thing for people to grasp- I still struggle with it, to be honest.
But I don't think the concept of marriage is necessarily a generation thing, but an individual thing that depends on a variety of factors. [The biggest one for me was the way I was raised- my parents have been married for a little over 40 years now, and haven't really ever gotten along well. And my dad would always tell me that I should wait.]
---
Many congrats on your engagement and your future with your bride. I wish you two the best!
[PS- Kudos for being so positive after some of those comments! After taking a beating for my last post, I was ready to punch someone.]
@Akhila
Thanks for the comment! I completely agree with you about developing our own lives with the long distance - believe it or not, having to go through the long distance has made us a stronger couple. We appreciate the time we have together much more than we did before and it's also done wonders for developing trust between us. That being said, it's not an ideal situation, but I whole-heartedly think we're better off for it. Thanks for the best wishes!
@K West
A prenup is definitely something we have discussed - and considering how divorce statistics look these days, I highly recommend that anyone who is getting married seriously consider it without getting defensive or offended - which is the hardest part.
@Alexis
I'm glad to hear that you're working on building a solid foundation with your significant other. I try my best not to judge others based on their life preferences as well - to put it frankly, I think people should live their life however they are happiest. It just happens that getting married and being a husband is a part of life I really look forward to and I believe will make me happy.
@Raven
I'd have to agree with you completely. A lot of my male friends gave me a hard time (jokingly) about getting engaged so soon, but it was obvious that they were happy for me despite what they said. I definitely think males could be a little more open with their feelings and I think ultimately they'll let you know how really feel when it comes down to it (though, you may have to pull a few teeth to get there). Thanks for the kind words!
@Paige
Thanks for posting! I think marriage is a commitment that you and your significant other both have to be ready for. If you're not ready, I think the odds are already stacked against you. I would agree that views on marriage are based on a number of factors and I hope I didn't trivialize that. It just seems to me that there are a lot more posts on why people aren't getting married than why they are, and it can give the impression that Gen-Y has a negative view of marriage. Thanks for the kudos and I hope you didn't punch anyone too hard! =)
All I've got to say is congrats and I wish you the best! I've learned so much in the past few years about relationship from my partner and when you've found it, it is found!
I've made a response at my blog. Thanks Dominic for bringing up so many issues! http://lynchmj.wordpress.com/2009/02/04/almost/
Oops - forgot to log in for my last few comments...
@Matt
Glad to hear you've learned so much the past few years! I definitely feel the same way since I met fiance. You definitely said it best when you said "When you've found it, it is found!"
@Michael
I'm glad I inspired you to write a post. I wrote a reply on your website - Thanks!
What's the name of the book? Did you live together before becoming engaged at all? I know you said it was mostly long distance.
@Kate
The name of the book is actually "1000 Things to Ask Before You Get Married." It really helped us put a lot of things in perspective and look at our engagement and our future together in realistic terms. We have not lived together, however one of the benefits of our long engagement (it'll be about a year and a half) is that we'll be living together for the last 6 months or so. I definitely know living together will bring up new challenges for us, but it's something we'll have to overcome together and I fully believe our relationship will end up stronger for it. Thanks for your comment!
You know all those people who say they don't want to get married anytime soon (including me)? We are just jealous, secretly kind of jealous that you are TOTALLY comfortable and okay to spend the rest of your life with just one other person... we can't do that. We still think you are crazy, and that we are soooooo not you, but we are also a tiny bit jealous that you are soooooo okay with this crazy idea of getting married sooo young... craziness!
So congratulations!
@ NYC Memories - HARDLY!!!
Marriage does have a nasty and well-earned reputation. No one in their right mind should really want any part of it. I did happen to meet someone who thwarted every attempt to find something that annoyed me. His parents also had one of the best relationships I'd ever seen: no harsh words, so much respect, I reconsidered.
Success in marriage has less to do with age than with the PERSON you choose. Either they have it for you, or they don't. Take a good look, and do your due diligence on them. Look at their parents and ask if that's what you want to be trapped in for the rest of your life. 1000 questions is perfect - we did that exercise as part of a retreat, and we thought we'd been over everything. There were a few we'd missed. I was so paranoid. He wasn't a car I could trade in.
We'll be happily celebrating our 10-year anniversary this month and we've seen many more friends divorce, remarry, become bitter with each other, and treat each other with disrespect than have marriages of true companionship like ours. One of our friends cheated. It's painful to watch. You feel like a part of yourselves is being torn away - especially if you've known them since Day 1.
But if you've been wise in this decision you're making and very lucky, you can hold onto each other and know how lucky you are as over the coming years you witness most others in the the world scrambling to find what you have. We consider ourselves blessed to have found each other somehow. He was my life, he is my life, I am his life.
To this day, we cling to each other. Newborn phase, Midnight feedings .. All that comes with raising children ... Financial problems .. Health issues? We've seen it. We're a team. We make it through.
We do really match each other. If we didn't, by now life wouldn't be very much fun.
Honestly if you don't meet THE right one, don't bother. At all. Being alone is fine.
But ... if you have HER for sure ... welcome to the very small club. :)
Dominic, first I want to extend my congratulations on your engagement! From what I understand, it takes a lot of guts for a guy to work up the nerve to actually propose and it's even harder when everyone around is saying "you're too young to get married!" I'm speaking from personal experience here: my husband was 22 and proposed to me when I was 21. We tied the knot a few years later - he was 25 and I was 24 - and are all the happier for it!
Now I feel I cannot give an opinion about the generation as a whole, but in my experience I am finding that yes, it is true that more and more people are waiting longer to get married or decide not to get married at all. But is this really because our generation is "jaded"? Or could it possibly be that we have been given more choices than previous generations? As a 20-something woman I was able to go to the college of my choice, enter any career field I was qualified for, am able to walk about unescorted and I was taken seriously even though I did not have a husband. Some of our mothers and definitely some of our mothers' mothers did not have it so easy and to them, marriage was their only option.
I CHOSE to get married because I am madly in love with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I share the sentiments you expressed in your post and it's nice to see that other people are taking the step of marriage so seriously (when I know several people who didn't) by really discussing what a marriage will mean to them and to their lives. I also agree that having a long-distance relationship makes your relationship stronger; my husband and I spent five years of our relationship in different states!
I think you are doing the smart thing by keeping an open dialogue between you and your finace, and using the 1000 questions book is a great tool for this! Having a long engagement is also a great transition into marriage; it gives you time to think, discuss and plan. There's no need to rush into such a monumental decision. I wish you both the best of luck!
Marraige, ultimately, is for kids & people who've give up on life "May aswell get married" I've heard that countless times, seriously! people get to a certain age, usually late 20's, rush around in a mad panic & marry the 1st person that comes along who hase'nt got 2 heads, because there "freinds are doing it" and it's "whats expected of them" F**king sheep.
The people who constantly tell you how "in love" they are are the ones you really need to worry about, I've had numerous freinds who desparatly try to convince you how happy they are and almost without fail this is usually to hide there misery & subsequent impending divorce. I've been in a relationship for 12 years, happily (although all that initial la di da love stuff wheres off within the year even if your romeo & juliet if people only had the decency to admit it) never felt the slightest inclination to get married & unless your deeply religious I really would'nt bother.
I love marriage - it's the best thing ever! It is incredibly difficult too. You cannot rely on love, or what my mother calls "the googlies" to see you through the rocky times, which will happen to everyone. My late father's only advice on marriage? "It's all about compromise."
If you can accept that you really "become one" - you will be fine. You don't get to do whatever you want anymore - but it is not negative as it sounds - it's wonderful because two people can accomplish so much more together, working as a team. You might give up some things that are stupid, and even some things that are really important - just be prepared for those times.
This was rambly and may not have made much sense - but enjoy yourself!
The title of this post spoke to me right away. I'm 23 and already married. My husband and I have been together since high school, we got engaged at age 20, and got married this past October.
It's not easy to explain to others why you've chosen to make such a big commitment at such a young age. In the case of my husband and I, we've never even dated other people. But we're both totally ok with that.
It seems to me that our society jumped from looking down on people who marry when they are "too old" to criticizing those of us who now marry "too young." Marriage isn't something that you can generalize- you need to examine the individual relationship, not the institution as a whole.
In our case, both of us are happy with our careers. I've landed a great job at a marketing agency, he's going to grad school and will be teaching high school in the fall. We're able to grow our careers together, rather than each build a plan and have to compromise later.
We're often complimented on our relationship because of the casual nature of our marriage. If I choose to go out late one night with everyone from work, he's not going to call and check up on me a million times. If he ends up going out with friends and doesn't include me, I'm not mortally offended. We've built a marriage on friendship and trust, and all the rest has seemed to fall into place naturally.
Good luck with your upcoming marriage, and stay strong when people tell you you're too young!
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