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2009 has been bad to the point where my immune system triggered a defense mechanism telling me all the horrible things is making me strong. So now I think disasters are good because they change me and reveal things. Call me foolish or insightful, I welcome more surprises, the good and the bad.
Here’re my disasters so far:
1. I blacked out on new year’s day spending too much on wine. 3 hours later I found myself in a skirt in the coldest winter night, alone, not knowing how I got there. I literally almost froze to death.
Lesson Learned: Alcohol-enhanced fantasies and happiness are not worth it; its temporary ecstatic joy will only exacerbate the depression afterwards. Quite drinking, especially to the point of getting drunk.
2. I was shut out of possibly the most memorable day of my life, from witnessing the Inauguration of Barack Obama due to mayhem caused by God Knows What after waiting in a tunnel for over six hours. Anger and pain do not begin to describe my disappointment.
Lesson Learned: Injustice happens for no reasons to anyone, all the time. I now understand in the tiniest fraction how Hurricane Katrina people must have felt waiting for help in their abandoned houses, expecting the government to do their job that never arrived because government did not do his job! I do not trust the government anymore.
3. I had a big blunder on my first project of my new job. Basically, I didn’t know what was going on so I didn’t talk. Basically, I acted like I don’t know a lot, which well, you are not suppose to show on the job. And secretly, I think I might get fired. And worst of all, I don’t think I even look forward to conquering the challenges ahead of me. I am dejected and tired, and it’s been only a week!
Lesson Learned: I keep asking myself, what’s the worst that could happen? Getting fired? Well that would be scary considering I have loans, an expensive apartment and limited skills in officially the worst recession since World War II. But really, I’m not scared, I think I might even be a tiny bit relieved. So my lesson learned is this: I should start trying to find my passion in life.
Through disasters I find life bittersweet and sort of interesting, well, I got nothing else left to entertain myself.
To continue disaster relief, here’re my plans:
1. Start running again, because it takes away the pain in my heart, literarily.
2. Attend interesting events instead of dumping cash in bars, because going to bars with hot girls for the sole purpose of finding guys makes me very depressed, in a non-disaster way.
3. Just live. Live all out, give it my all.
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Comments
01.26.09
Excellent post! I really enjoyed this and can certainly relate.
(Eg: Lesson learned after disaster #1 is something I discussed in a recent post called "Learning to Drink Again")
Looking forward to reading more of your work! :)
01.26.09
I've been through too many disasters and lost too many friends and family to ever think they're good things. I've also lost too many households to disaster. I have perservered, recovered and gone on, but I can never think of a disaster as a good thing.
01.26.09
Thanks jrandom42, for your comment.
I should first emphasize that the disasters I am talking about (alcoholism and getting fired) are certainly not even close on the trauma scale to the disasters you are talking about - losing loved ones or losing a house. I am sorry to hear that these disasters have happened to you, and by no means am I suggesting that they are "good things."
I am trying to say, through my own experience, that I have encountered "extremely" negative events in the past few months that have completely stressed me out and brought me down to tears. But while the trauma still persists and the pain and struggle are still there, these "extremely" negative experience have brought upon me new perspectives on life that I otherwise would not have noticed - perspectives like I need to get my act together, and perspectives that makes all the other "negative" events seem not so "negative" after all. So in turn, these experiences have shaped me into a slightly different person today from what I was a month ago.
So while those experiences are not good things themselves (and I would not want them to be repeated) - they have prepared me and made me somehow a better person, I believe.
Again, I can't prove to you that I am indeed a better person, which is why I say that perhaps my defense mechanism is tricking me into thinking all these bad things are somehow good as an outcome.
But I would like to ask you - are you a stronger person now after losing everything? Does your disasters make you cherish what you have now more than before? If so - isn't that defense mechanism at play?
01.26.09
Stronger, yes. But also tougher, harder-nosed, and certainly more cynical. I've also become more self-protective, less inclined to aid others who blissfully had no clue disasters were coming, and probably harsher on those PollyAnnas who say good things come out of disasters of any scale.
I'll admit it. I'm a grinder. Flowery language and happy thoughts carry less weight with me than the practical job of recovery. Am I happy about it and looking at it like a lesson? Hell no. I'm too busy digging myself out of the hole I got dumped into, through no fault of my own. Disasters on any scale entail loss, and I'm never happy at learning anything at the expense of losing aspects of my life, no matter how temporary it is.
01.26.09
Hi,
The key thing you've said here is that you are still too busy digging yourself out of the hole. I would think that once you are out of the hole, you would realize that you are a much better person because of all the crap you had to go through inside the hole. But I guess I would also agree that the crap one experiences inside the hole really never goes away. And you will get out of the hole someday, it's inevitable if not already happening.
I am not a "optimistic person", I just think one cannot appreciate the good things in life without experiencing the bad things. I would have never appreciated my wonderful childhood and my grandmother's wonderful love the way I do now, without moving away from that childhood and my grandmother at the age of 11 to a totally foreign place with my parents.
01.26.09
So to add, I think every good thing in life is and should be somewhat bittersweet, because it is earned through loss and pain. There is no free "good feelings" or automatic happiness, it's all gained through some sort of sacrifice and struggle.
01.26.09
I think good things are appreciated when combined with values. This gives them meaning and lasting significance.
01.27.09
To me, all this talk about "growth" is nothing more than feel-good rationalization. If I could get back people and certain aspects of my life back before the disasters (both big and small), I'd trade all I've learned, all my "growth", and all my "appreciation" in less than half an eyeblink.
01.30.09
You are right, it is totally feel-good rationalization, and it keeps me from getting depressed.
01.30.09
Kevin,
I create values in situations that may or may not actually have values... just to make myself feel better, feel like that was not a total waste of my time (or steps backward...)
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