Is all fair in love and War?

We agreed that we would split our assets after he got home from Deployment because I still had to be responsible for our joint bills. I had never used his money for my personal expenses, so it was a maintenance of the status quo.

What really happened was that he drained our joint account and put it in an account under his mother’s name so I had no legal right to access it.

We agreed that we would sell the house when he got home and split the profits 50/50.

What really happened was he changed his mind, kicked me out of the house and was willing to delay the divorce to fight for it. I agreed for the sake of expediting the process, but instead of him sending the papers right away he sat on them… why? I still have no idea. I still think it was him being spiteful.

We agreed that we were a bad match, he’d stop spreading rumors and we would move on with our lives.

What really happened was that he told everyone I cheated, married him for money, divorced him for money (ironic since he took all the money accumulated from the marriage) and wanted to find someone else who made more money. Then he told me that he hadn’t said anything negative about me and still gave me respect. Uh huh.

Lesson 1: A word of honor counts for nothing - get things in writing.

My bad! I shouldn’t have taken my Ex-husband at his word since integrity had been such a problem for him before.

I was under the impression that someone’s word was their bond, so when we divorced, I agreed to terms that I felt were fair. When he agreed to them, I thought that was the end of it. I did not think I had to contact a lawyer to hold him to his promise. Call it naivete or what you will, but I thought that it was always important to have your integrity particularly with those you have/have had relationships with.

My mistake was that all agreements were verbal and I thought we had enough of a rappor that it would suffice. I was totally wrong. You should question everything and question motives.

Lesson 2: Just because there are agreed rules doesn’t mean all the players obey them

We clearly set boundaries - he’d stay away from my family (which he didn’t), we wouldn’t discuss with outsiders (which he did), we do this like adults (he slandered me and made mutual friends choose between me and him). Just because you set up boundaries doesn’t mean that everyone respects them. Cover your Ass.

Lesson 3: Mercy isn’t always reciprocated

I agreed to terms that favored him - he was supporting me, I had quit a job because he said he wished he could get more of my attention and we paid his debts off first because his credit was in the tank, so when we divorced, my debts had barely been touched while his had been 100% paid. We could have split up my debt since some of it had paid for his expenses. We could have agreed on alimony until I could find a full time job. He could have given me back the money in those joint accounts that were mine but he didn’t until several months after when late fees doubled how much the bills were.

Lesson learned. If no one else is following the rules and your opponent insists on trying to sap as much as they can out of you, mercy and kindness becomes a vice, not a virtue.

The Real Lesson

Kindness, Mercy and Fairness are traits every human being should have, the only problem is when an opponent tries to take advantage of that. Every rose needs to have it’s thorns. Present the olive branch first, but make sure that you’ve got a sword in the other hand just in case of treachery.

© Kat Argonza for Kat Argonza, 2009.